


a hundred mini dreams and a healing scar

by sugdensrobert



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mentions of homophobia, Mostly Canon Compliant, Pillow Talk, Reunion 3.0, lengthy convos, lots of conversation and dialogue, mentions of feelings of anxiety / panic attacks, robert needs to get used to life outside of prison, this is basically me giving them all the conversations in the world to work stuff out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-13
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:07:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 65,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22701466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sugdensrobert/pseuds/sugdensrobert
Summary: It had been seven months since everything went wrong and robert went into self-destruct like never before. and now he was back in emmerdale.or, a reunion 3.0 fic and a look into their life together after finding one another again.
Relationships: Aaron Dingle/Robert Sugden
Comments: 86
Kudos: 206





	1. I

**Author's Note:**

> hello! i feel like this is going to be the longest intro ever but let's go. this was supposed to be a one shot but i’ve decided to make it a multichaper fic because this way I can hold myself accountable to actually finish and post it. Also it was becoming quite long with lots of dialogue and i was too scared it was going to bore you all lmao.
> 
> also:  
> i am hoping to do justice to both robert and aaron's perspective in this situation which is why it will involve quite a lot of discussion and dialogue especially in the first chapters. basically this really is self indulgence and i am giving my boys all the conversation in the world to work stuff out.  
> oh we're also switching pov's in this fic just so you know!  
> please keep an eye on the tags and notes as the fic goes along because these might involve (trigger) warnings.
> 
> anyways enough rambling i hope you enjoy this x

Seven months. It had been seven months. In ways it felt like it had been much longer, in other ways it didn’t, probably because he was still supposed to be in there, locked up for 14 years. It’s just another thing to add to the long list of things that haunt him. His hands are shaking, he feels like sinking to his knees, just here, in the shelter at the bus stop. It scares him whenever he wonders whether he would have actually survived 14 years in prison. He was doing fairly okay, physically anyway. A few cuts and bruises and a bone tired body from never sleeping properly were things he was used to. But he was whole and that was at least something.

_It had been seven months since everything went wrong and Robert went into self-destruct like never before. And now he was back in Emmerdale._

Another victim had come forward, his case was reviewed and that combined with the fact that the prison was overcrowded, he got out. Not even after a year of the 14 he was supposed to serve. He doesn’t think it has completely sunk in yet, everything happened in just over a week or so and now he found himself back in Emmerdale. He had planned this, as much as he was able to in the short time he had. His personal prison officer, Chris, had helped him as much as Robert had let him. They'd talked about Robert’s plans after prison and he had known problems would arise as soon as Robert had left the prison, because he wasn’t going to tell anyone was he? Nobody was going to be there once the prison gates had shut behind him. As much as Chris had tried to encourage him to let his family know, it had been no use. Why would he have done that? He shut them out, cut them off, he couldn’t expect them to suddenly come and get him from prison. Why would they even want to?

However long and lonely, the journey back to Emmerdale had given him a lot of time to think, to ponder, whether he really was going to take the train to Leeds once he had gotten back to the mainland, whether after that, he really was going to hop on the bus and go back to the only place that had ever felt like home.

He couldn’t stand here much longer, it was dark and quite late and even though nobody would expect him here he still didn’t want to draw any attention to himself. Now he was finally here he didn’t know what to do. In his head he had it all worked out, he’d go to Vic’s, she was least likely to send him away but now he wasn’t so sure if he could do it. He wondered if another bus would pass, imagined himself hopping on it and starting a whole new life somewhere else. The all too familiar feeling of being a burden was creeping up on him once again. Vic would probably pretend to be happy to see him but in her head she’d be working out what the hell to do with him wouldn’t she? Robert felt tears gathering in his eyes, she has her little boy now. Why would she even want to put up with Robert, he’d just be in the way. The B&B wasn’t really an option either, he would probably be able to afford it but he hadn’t sorted out his finances properly yet. The more Robert thought about it, the more his plan seemed stupid. He had been too hopeful, hadn’t thought it through properly. It was the beginning of June, nearly the start of summer. This time last year was just the start of it all starting to go wrong for Robert but also for his family, the people he cared about most.

He thought about walking to the mill, a tear rolling down his cheek because that had been the exact thing he'd imagined himself doing every day for the past seven months. But now it was in reach it made Robert feel sick. Aaron hated him. There was no doubt in his mind about that, and he deserved to. No, going to the mill wasn’t an option. That wasn’t his home anymore. Maybe Aaron had a new bloke on the go. That’s what he had wanted wasn’t it? All he ever wanted was Aaron to be happy. The younger man never needed him the way Robert needed him, Aaron was strong and would have finally realised it himself in these past months. He shouldn’t have come back here. Seven months wasn’t long, his family had probably just started to move on from him after he had ruined everything. Coming back now would ruin everything again. _You did it again Robert_ , he thought, _wrecking things as usual._

He saw a figure walking up the road and Robert felt the panic cursing through his body. The figure seemed to stop and Robert knew he had to move away before the person would come up to him to tell him there wasn’t another bus coming until the morning.

Out of all the bad options, going to his sister’s was still the best one of them all. She wouldn’t kick him out, Robert hated himself for thinking that selfishly but he just knew she wouldn’t. He could at least get warm and maybe even catch some sleep. He’d leave Emmerdale tomorrow, he just needed some more time to think of a plan.

*

He wakes up with a start to the feeling of someone hovering near him, panic blossoming in his chest and as he sits up, he realises very quickly that he isn't in prison. It takes a second to fully process where he is, the green walls, the furniture-

“Rob?” it sounds so soft, so familiar that Robert almost chokes on a sob before completely bursting into tears.

“Hey, hey you’re alright. I am here remember.” His sister’s face finally swims into view, she reaches out to him but before he can stop himself he flinches, watching Vic’s face fall. It makes him hate himself even more.

“Sorry I didn’t-“ his voice sounds croaky as if he had been crying all night. _Had he?_

“It’s okay” Vic smiles softly although she can’t hide her devastated expression. She carefully sits herself down on the couch and Robert puts his knees to his chest, making some room.

“No Rob it’s fine.”

Robert just shakes his head, waving away her objections. He stares at his little sister, she looks good. Healthy. She also looks sad which Robert knows is down to him. He uses the silence to get his head together, his eyes looking around the familiar room. There are about three blankets crumpled on the couch. He frowns when he also sees crumpled up tissues on the floor. Victoria’s watching him, playing with her hands as if to stop herself from reaching out.

Robert can feel the memories from the night before rushing back but they come to a stop when Vic speaks.

“How are you feeling?”

“I think I’ve got a headache coming on.” He tries to smile, it’s the truth, maybe the least of his problems right now but the familiar dull ache in his head is undeniable.

“That will be all the crying, you’re probably dehydrated” she frowns, looking him up and down concern evident on her face.

Robert doesn’t want to be a concern.

“I’ll get you some paracetamol and water” Vic says.

_Crying_

He remembers, vaguely. He remembers the door opening, his sister sobbing and hugging him so tight. He remembers feeling numb to it all, he had expected his sister to scream but once he'd realised she wasn’t going to, he'd just let her take the lead. It wasn’t until she had him sitting down that the tears had begun streaming down his face, slowly at first until he'd started heaving with sobs. He remembers her laying him down, feeling a soothing hand in his hair and there isn’t much after that. He realises with horror that he probably hasn’t told Vic anything, maybe she thinks he escaped, that the police are seconds away from knocking down her door.

“Vic” he whispers.

“Here ya go” she puts down a big glass of water and a strip of paracetamols. She looks at him questioningly.

“Thank you.”

“Did you want anything else?” she prompts him gently.

“I didn’t escape or anything, I- I got out.” Robert blurts out and thinks he can see an expression of relief flash across his sister’s face.

“Did you travel back here all on your own?” Vic sounds so sad.

Robert nods, can’t bring himself to do anything else.

“Why Rob? Why didn’t you tell us?” She reaches out to hold his hand and he lets her.

_Us_

“How is he?” It’s out before he can stop himself, before he can debate with himself whether he has any right to even ask questions like this.

Vic avoids his gaze, looks down at their hands and Robert feels his heart stop.

“What-“ he stammers.

“He’s ok Rob- I promise. He’s doing ok.”

“But?” Robert can’t help but push, feels barely capable of having this conversation right now but he needs to know.

“It was hard, afterwards, after you- well cut off all contact. It was for all of us but- he really took it badly. I am sure you can imagine.”

“I-“

“You didn’t even write him a letter Rob” Vic sighs. “It was really tough, it still is to be honest. It’s not even been a year after all. If we had known it wouldn’t be longer than this- not that that’s your fault of course but-“

“I am so sorry” Robert touches his cheek, feels the familiar wetness. He wants to scream really, there is so much he needs to say, so many thoughts to get in order but he feels numb again.

“Oh Robert” she squeezes his hand and Robert wishes she wasn’t so kind, he doesn’t deserve it.

“But he’s really ok.” He whispers, needs to know.

“He’s slowly getting back to normal again yeah- it’s just now you’re back-” she struggles to get the words out Robert notices “I don’t know how you see things going now.”

“I am leaving again Vic.” It sounds stronger than he feels, more firm than he’s sounded all morning. It’s because he’s sure of this, there is no way he is wrecking things for Aaron once again. He promised Aaron the best life and after he’s broken his heart the way he’s done, the least he can do is keep to his word. 

“What!?”

“What- what?”

“Robert you honestly can’t be serious.” Robert watches tears collecting in his sister’s eyes but can’t say anything, there isn’t anything to say. He hasn’t got his plan worked out yet after all, all he knows is that he is going to leave, _has_ to.

“You’re serious aren’t you” Victoria concludes. “Where are you going? And what? You’re just going without seeing Aaron are you?”

_Aaron_

It’s the first time she actually says his name, it’s the first time he’s heard someone say his name out loud, it slams into Robert, the too familiar ache in his heart back in full force. Vic is still looking at him, clearly expecting an answer and Robert can only nod before signing and carefully explaining his thoughts.

“I can’t come back into his life after what I’ve done Vic. If he even wants me to be in his life. I was supposed to be locked up for 14 years. It’s why I did what I did. The damage is done now, he probably hates me doesn’t he. And I don’t blame him. Like you said I didn’t even send him a letter. It’s over Vic. I need to leave him alone.” He's aware of how emotionless he sounds but he can't allow himself to be any other way.

“Robert, Rob- listen to me. I get why you did what you did- I think. I don’t blame you, you put your love for Aaron over everything, even if that meant he would hate you. But you’re here now Rob.” Vic says softly, she’s blinking away the tears and Robert can only watch and listen, his heart beating loudly in his chest. “You were supposed to serve 14 years but now you’re out, seven months later. You have another chance at happiness, with Aaron. To do everything you two were planning on doing, to get that life you both deserve."

Robert’s crying again, he never used to cry this much, isn’t sure when this changed. He’s shaking his head, can’t hear it.

“I am scared- I don’t know what to do Vic.”

“Of course you don’t Robert, you thought you’d be spending the next 14 years inside. But please, please Robert don’t do this. And even if you can’t work it out with Aaron, then please don’t move away. I love you so much Robert- I missed you so much. Harry would love to meet you.” They are both crying now and Robert finds it hard to breathe. He feels selfish. He’s hardly asked Vic how she is doing, he basically dropped this bombshell on her and then tells her he’s planning on leaving again soon. He wipes his tears away angrily.

“Harry” he whispers, smiling and Vic nods. “Is he doing well? I am sorry I didn’t send you a letter back congratulating you. I’m just so sorry.”

“Hey- you have nothing to be sorry for. I can’t imagine how hard it must have been for you, thinking about everything you were missing out on. I know you were happy for me, wanted me to be happy. You told me enough times. He’s perfect Robert and such a quiet baby, apparently, I can’t believe he hasn’t made us aware of his presence yet.” Robert smiles, a genuine one.

*

He’s in bed. A real bed, soft and warm. He’s calmed down a bit now, his pillow still wet from his tears. He should really get some tissues from somewhere but he doesn't want to risk drawing attention to himself. He thinks Vic is still up, clearing up downstairs but he isn’t sure. She told him to get some sleep hours ago. After he had reassured her that he would really be fine and that the room was more than good enough she'd left him alone. It was then that the memories and emotions had overwhelmed him- being back here in Vic’s box room, the room where he had spent a lot of time over the years, different memories attached to all those different times. It had been his room so often when he hadn’t had anywhere else to go. _Was this one of those times?_

This had also been his room those first few months of being a dad to Seb.

_Seb_

Seeing Harry had brought Robert so much joy, and seeing Victoria being the perfect mum to him was even more special. She reminded him of Sarah, he didn’t tell his sister this, didn’t feel stable enough for it but he will one day. Seeing Harry did however bring back the ache of missing Seb to the forefront of his mind. If it was even possible, the idea of not seeing Seb for 14 years, not seeing him grow up had hurt him even more than the heartbreak of not being with Aaron. It was everything Robert hadn’t wanted. He had wanted to be a present father, had never wanted to let his son down, he'd promised Seb that when he was born and going to prison had made it impossible for Robert to keep to his promise. He’d let him down, just like Jack had let him down, just in a different way. It had made Robert sick every time he thought about it. It’s why he had always tried to imagine Seb happy, laughing, being looked after by a loving mum and a loving dad. Seeing Vic with Harry had brought the feelings of Robert as a failed dad back. Vic had showed him all the pictures she had of Seb since he had been gone, many of them were of Seb together with Harry and it had made Robert smile. His sister had reminded him that now he’d be able to see Seb together with baby Harry in real life. It had scared Robert but also brought him some positivity, the feeling of actually looking forward to something. It was a feeling he hadn’t felt for months.

Robert was so grateful for his sister. They’d talked a bit but she seemed to get that Robert most of all just needed to get used to not being in a prison cell anymore. So she hadn’t pushed him to talk, hadn’t bombarded him with loads of questions. The three of them had just spent the day together, Robert ending up holding Harry for most of it- it had made him feel calm and the look on his sister’s face watching them together made Robert feel like he was worth something. His sister had promised not to tell anyone he was back. Not Aaron- not Diane. He’d felt relieved when they had made it to the end of the day without anyone popping by to visit Vic.

He was tossing and turning, didn’t seem to be able to fall asleep. He was still scared, scared and anxious. And now he was on his own again the feeling of fear was much bigger than the glimmer of positivity he had felt earlier. 

They had decided on tomorrow. Tomorrow Vic was going to call Aaron and tell him he was here. It felt cowardly, letting Vic ring him. But it just didn’t seem fair to give Aaron such a shock, also there was a chance he’d just yell at Robert. No- it was better to do it this way. He’d believe Vic, would hopefully let her talk him through it before he came running, or not. Robert has no idea how it's going to work out. He feels sick with it. The idea of hopefully, maybe, possibly seeing Aaron again is so overwhelming that he tears up every time he thinks about it, but he also knows that it's not going to be a happily ever after reunion. Vic's right, if he gets even the slightest chance to fix it, he has to take it, after all it's only been a few months. At the same time that's exactly what makes it all extremely raw still. Not that he would blame Aaron for it, not at all - but he knows how his (ex)husband can lash out, can yell and scream. Robert's scared, not of Aaron but scared of what tomorrow will bring. All his hopes could easily be smashed this time tomorrow.  
  



	2. II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> robert and aaron battle with their feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! in this chapter we will see things from both robert and aaron's perspective and there are a few time jumps so hopefully its not too confusing.

Part of Robert wants to pack it all in- or at least wait and drag it out for longer. He doesn't want to fight just yet, doesn't want any shouting. 

“Are you ready?” Vic gives him a soft smile as she goes to sit next to him on the couch. Robert’s playing with his hands, a habit he can’t seem to shake off. His sister’s just gotten back from dropping Harry off at Diane’s, pretending she has some errands to run. Robert had insisted on not having Harry here, he doesn’t want the boy amidst all the shouting. Vic keeps telling him there might not be any shouting but he finds that hard to believe.

“No, everything but. I just can’t believe I am being like this.” He uselessly moves his hands trying to express something he doesn’t understand himself. “It’s only been a few months Vic, imagine if it had been years, I probably wouldn’t have been able to face him ever again.”

“Well it hasn’t been years, and even if it had been you would still try. Rob, you love each other. It might not be easy but we will see what happens yeah? This is the first step.”

Robert nods and she squeezes his hand and grabs her phone from the coffee table. Robert suddenly puts some space between him and his sister, as if that would somewhat remove him from the pretty bizarre situation he had found himself in.

“You want him on speaker?” Robert shakes his head determinedly. He’s definitely still in this fight-flight mode, his mind yelling at him to run.

“Right.” Vic’s smiling at him, encouraging and Robert tries to match it, doesn’t think it goes down very well.

*

His voice. He heard his voice, it was him.

Aaron drops his phone down on the kitchen table, eyes quickly filling up with tears against the memories. He’s gasping for air just like the last time he talked to Robert on the phone- just after he had handed himself in. Robert sounded better now, stronger but- it couldn’t be real could it? Why would Robert get out, he killed someone- killed Lee. He wishes Liv was at home, he needs some prove that this isn’t just his mind playing a cruel trick on him. Suddenly Aaron can feel himself almost double over- just the possibility of Robert being practically across the road… it’s almost too much to take. He pinches himself once more and again nothing changes, nothing happens.

He pockets his phone and runs out of the door.

*

“Aaron, it’s me, I’ve got to tell you something. No I am fine, it’s not about me uh- please don’t freak out or- Robert’s here.”

Robert’s squeezes his eyes shut, straining to hear Aaron’s response, suddenly regretting telling his sister not to put on speaker mode, he just wants to hear Aaron’s voice.

“I am serious, he got out uh- like two days ago- new evidence I don’t really know.”

It’s then that Robert realises how awful all of this must sound to Aaron. Robert had been here for two days without telling Aaron, he’d been so close to him but still didn’t acknowledge him, just like he had done in prison.

“I promise he’s fine, he isn’t hurt. He’s out for good Aaron.” Robert’s heart squeezes painfully at Vic’s words- Aaron’s clearly still concerned for him, he still cares about him.

“He wanted to get his head around it all first Aaron-“ his sister sighs and tries to smile at Robert but he knows Aaron’s angry and upset. He feels this overwhelming guilt, suddenly stronger than ever. Not just towards Aaron but also his sister. Why did he let her do his dirty work? Aaron’s anger is directed towards him but it’s Vic dealing with it first-hand and she doesn’t deserve to. Robert makes a decision as he watches Vic struggling to get her words out, trying to make Aaron understand what's going on. 

He grabs the phone-

“Aaron- It’s really me. I am sorry I-“

He can’t say anything more before he hears the tell-tale sound of the call being cut off.

“That didn’t quite go to plan but-“ Vic’s trying to sound positive but Robert is shaking his head. “Vic it’s fine. Thank you for doing this, I shouldn’t have let you do this for me though. I am sorry.”

“Robert. This isn’t over you’ll see. Aaron’s had a shock, naturally. Give him time yeah?”

Robert nods absentmindedly but his thoughts are already running round in his head in this chaotic way. Aaron isn’t going to come running. Aaron hates him. Robert tries telling himself this is a good thing- for the both of them. It means that maybe Aaron’s found some closure and this way Robert doesn’t get the chance to mess up the younger man's life again. 

“Did he- did he sound happy or-?” he still needs to ask, has to know this one thing.

“I- I don’t really know it was weird. I don't think he believed me at first, then he got angry."

“I should have gone to see him straight away.”

“Rob- you did the right thing okay? You were suddenly free with nowhere to go. You did the right thing by not putting yourself in a uncertain situation alright? I get that this comes as another blow to Aaron, but you had the right to make this decision.” She sounds firm and Robert nods, tries to believe her.

They sit in silence for a bit, Robert already thinking about his next steps, he's contemplating moving away when insistent banging on Vic’s front door suddenly shake him out of his thoughts, his eyes widen as he looks at his sister but before either of them can do anything they hear the door open. Robert knows he has approximately 5 seconds to prepare himself.

*

_Robert drifts in and out of sleep, each time he wakes there's a second of panic before he remembers where he is and what has happened. In normal circumstances he would probably feel far too vulnerable, far too exposed but these aren't normal circumstances._

_“Hey” a voice above him whispers, his voice. There’s a hand running through his hair, Robert’s eyes gently fluttering closed again against the feeling. “Go back to sleep, you’re alright.” Robert wasn’t deserving of this, no matter what Aaron had said, no matter what they had spoken about. But feeling worthy or not- he wasn’t going to leave Aaron’s arms. Even if he’d wanted to he couldn’t. He was too tired. Today had worn him out so much-_

*

“You’re really back.” It’s his voice, _Aaron’s_ voice, he’s whispering and Robert already feels tears welling up in his eyes. He can’t cry now, he needs to be strong.

“Aaron-“ Vic says and Robert can’t breathe. He hasn’t moved since he heard the door open, since Vic rushed to the hall. He’s staring at the coffee table, not sure whether he can bring himself to turn around. He manages it, turns around and gasps slightly. Aaron is leaning against the wall and Robert doesn’t know whether to stand up, whether his legs can take it. Aaron is staring at him, tears spilling onto his cheeks. It’s nothing like the romantic reunion Robert had let himself imagine on the days and nights he needed it most. 

“I’ll go see Diane- leave you to it.” Vic says, her voice croaky. “Rob?” she says and Robert looks at her “call me if you need anything yeah?” Robert tries a smile but he doesn't think he manages it very well. He wants to thank his sister but he doesn't trust his voice. 

The door slams shut and it’s just quiet. Robert doesn’t know what to do, he feels so out of control and its scaring him. He wishes Aaron would start shouting, anything he can just simply react to. The past couple of days his sister had taken the lead, in prison every day had been the same. Having all this freedom again was more difficult to cope with than Robert had ever thought it’d be.

“Are you actually going to say anything? Or look at me at all?” It’s Aaron’s broken voice cutting the horrible tension between them and Robert feels something die inside of him. He’s gone back to playing with his hands, just staring at the coffee table. He senses Aaron moving and before he can stop himself he flinches, hopes that Aaron didn’t see it. The younger man sits down in the chair, he’s so close now and Robert is still finding it hard to breathe.

“Rob- please” Robert can’t deny him any longer and he raises his head, sees Aaron looking at him intently, tears still rolling down his face. “I am not going to hurt you, you know?” He realises that Aaron did see him flinch and he hates himself “I know” he says, tries to keep his voice steady.

“So you are really out? You’re back?” Aaron asks again, he can’t seem to believe it and Robert can relate to that. He nods “another victim came forward. Because Lee is dead they couldn’t do too much, but they did review my case. I got lucky really, I still should have served so much longer. The prison being full helped as well I guess. So yeah I’m free.” Robert can hear the lack of emotion in his own voice. More should be said he feels, more explanation should be needed because Robert can’t even wrap his own head around everything and he had longer to get used to it all. They weren’t going to see each other for 14 years and now they were both here again, together, just 7 months after Aaron had visited him in prison.

He’s not even sure whether Aaron cares about the hows and whys. He’s not sure of anything.

He watches Aaron nod in response, seeming satisfied with Robert’s answer. Robert pushes himself, takes a deep breath “how are you?” he needs to know so badly and it’s also a way to get this going. He wants to get to the shouting and screaming because they didn’t do this. They didn’t talk about the hard stuff without either reassuring touches or loud screaming. There was something missing here and it was blatantly obvious even after just five minutes.

It seems to work because Aaron looks up, eyes fierce.

“How am I? Do you have any idea? Any idea at all what you’ve done to me! You just cut me off Robert! You didn’t tell me anything!” Aaron stands up and Robert is unsure whether to do the same. He kind of wishes they were at the Mill, Keepers cottage suddenly seeming too small for whatever this was. He stands up though, well tries to anyway- “don’t” Aaron hisses and Robert sits back down on the arm of the couch.

“You didn’t tell me you were being moved, you just sent fucking divorce papers! Divorce papers! Bet you hoped that would make it hit home for me! Well guess what Robert, it did. And not even a letter nothing. You sent Vic one, knowing full well I’d know about it but still, I got nothing. I literally got nothing! I was your husband and all I got were divorce papers!” The last part comes out as a sob, pain and anger radiating off him.

Robert tries opening his mouth but the lump in his throat makes it the most impossible task ever. The swallowed down tears are hurting his chest- he wants to go to Aaron, hug him against him and never let him go.

Suddenly Aaron sinks to his knees, hands covering his face. It shatters the last of Robert’s heart.

*

He senses Robert trying to get to him, Aaron thinks he’s come closer but seems to know not to touch, he still knows him so well. Aaron feels like it’s too much, prays a panic attack isn’t on the horizon. Robert’s suddenly here. _Robert_. Over the last couple of weeks Aaron had come to realise that he probably wasn’t ever going to see the love of his life, his soulmate ever again. If Robert didn’t want any contact with him now, why would he want to see him and talk to him after 14 years? The pain and heartache were something Aaron was used to by now, it was part of his everyday life, but he’d sorted himself out slightly, spent most of his time focusing on being a good guardian to Liv and a good dad to Seb. Everything was still hard, it was always going to be or at least that was what he thought, what he was trying to accept but now- now Robert was here, in the same room as him.

The last time they were together like this was during that awful prison visit that still haunted Aaron almost daily. Seeing his usually composed husband breaking down in front of him like that, knowing he couldn’t do anything to help him was a memory that was never going to leave him.

That same man, his (ex)husband, his Robert was now crouching in front of him.

*

Robert's crouching down in front of Aaron, not touching him even though it's physically hard to restrain himself from doing so. He feels sick knowing he’s caused this. Robert once again battles with this overwhelming need to run away, he wants to stop hurting Aaron once and for all, wants to stop messing up his life but he also knows that that exact wish was what had gotten them here in the first place. He owes Aaron all the answers and hopes to make him see that it was all for the best, that Aaron can do so much better than him.

“Aaron- Aaron I am so sorry I know I-” Robert reaches out uselessly, only to pull his arm right back, hesitating. There’s just no reaction at all and Robert doesn’t know what to do.

Suddenly Aaron looks up, hands falling down from his face. He stands up and Robert does the same- he’s scared, scared that this is it now, that Aaron is going to run out of the door. He doesn’t though, not yet anyway.

“Sorry?” He says finally, eyes dark. “Robert I don’t think sorry is going to cut it, do you? After everything we’ve been through together, all the promises and vows we made to each other and you still put me through this. Without a word. I got one visit. You knew then didn’t ya, and you didn’t tell me. You chose not to tell me knowing that that could mean we wouldn’t ever see each other ever again. You didn’t let me make my own decisions, once again.”

Aaron sounds dangerously calm. Robert doesn’t say anything, doesn’t know what to say because he’s sure now. Aaron hates him. Robert can’t imagine the pain he would have felt if it had been the other way round, Aaron cutting him off that way. But it hadn’t been the other way round and Robert just had to do it this way, he just had to. It’s still so clear in his head. Even though he’s been released he still stands by his decision, even if it makes things difficult now.

He would have never been able to live with himself if he had tied Aaron down to prison visits for 14 years, he’d never wanted to be a burden to Aaron like that.

Robert opens his mouth- wants to finally say something when he watches Aaron comes closer. Tears are streaming down the younger man’s face again. “Robert why, why” he’s saying, voice breaking. “And why are you not saying anything- what’s up with ya” Robert flinches at the sudden change in Aaron’s tone of voice, knows he deserves it though. “Open your fucking mouth I-“ Robert isn’t scared of Aaron, he isn’t but he can’t help but feel uncomfortable and anxious-

“Rob?” Aaron’s voice completely drops, his tone completely gentle when he says his name and Robert realises he has his eyes squeezed shut, he opens them and sees Aaron watching him with concern, they are standing close to each other now and Robert blinks quickly.

“God Robert, I wasn’t going to hurt you, I wouldn't do that” Robert nods, hates that Aaron saw him this vulnerable again, that he’d felt the need to reassure him once more. “I know” he whispers.

“Do you want to sit down? I didn’t mean to scare you.” Robert shakes his head furiously. He can’t deal with the younger man’s kindness, he doesn’t deserve it. He wants Aaron to be able to say whatever he wants to say. He doesn’t want to hold him back like this.

“No- no. I am sorry.” He stammers and Aaron frowns “for what?”

“You were asking why.” Robert says, ignoring Aaron’s question and the younger man staggers back a bit, clearly surprised at the fact that Robert wants to continue down this line. He starts shaking his head, fresh tears already gathering in his eyes. He covers his face with his hands again and begins to sob. His shoulders start to shake, his whole body heaving. Robert stares at him for a second, then springs into action. He pretends these past 7 months never happened, they are just Robert and Aaron, the both of them against the world. He carefully reaches out, touches the younger man’s shoulders and brings his whole body towards him.

“Hey- Hey. Aaron please- you’re going to make yourself sick.”

“Robert” Aaron mumbles “I should hate you- so so much” Robert winces but doesn’t let go yet, he can’t bring himself to now he finally has the younger man back in his arms. He feels Aaron starting to push at his chest weakly. Robert starts to let go, suddenly scared Aaron doesn’t really want to be held by him. But suddenly he feels Aaron’s hands on his back pushing him closer again. The younger man buries his head in Robert’s neck and Robert just wants to cry. He knows he shouldn’t let this happen but he doesn’t have the willpower to stop it, he doesn’t want this to ever end. Aaron’s body is still shaking and Robert slowly brings the both of them to the ground.

He brings Aaron even closer towards him, holds him so tightly to his own body he’s almost scared the younger man won’t be able to breathe. He’s suddenly hit by a memory. The last time he held Aaron this tightly and didn’t want to let him go was _then._ That prison visit, his first and last visit in prison. Robert’s finally holding Aaron again, something he never thought he’d be able to do ever again. His hands grasp at Aaron’s back some more, he feels his heartbeat rising. Gentle hands start stroking his back “Robert, calm down for me yeah?” Robert lets out a sob, hot tears running down his face.

Eventually his breathing calms down a bit, the gasping gets less. Aaron stops stroking his back and the feeling of warmth and safety falls away again.

“Please don’t go” it comes out before Robert can think it through.

“I’m not going” Aaron sounds firm and Robert breathes a sigh of relief.

“But I am getting of this floor and so are you” Aaron instructs and Robert stares at him whilst a sense of awkwardness and masked anger and hurt fills the room once more.

“Uh, go sit down I’ll make us a brew.”

Robert’s still on the floor, limbs aching as he nods at Aaron. He winces, stands up. “You alright?” Aaron looks concerned again and it makes Robert feel selfishly hopeful.

“Yeah.” Robert smiles a tiny reassuring smile and sits down on the couch, he starts playing with his hands almost immediately.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope it all makes sense and some of you enjoyed this chapter, thank you for reading x


	3. III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> aaron listens to robert.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this fic continues straight from where the last chapter left off x

Aaron sits himself back down on the chair, knows that if he were to sit next to Robert on the couch it would make it harder not to touch him. The both of them are silent, Aaron waits for Robert to start speaking. He’s decided he’s going to let him talk now, feels like he owes Robert the chance to explain. The younger man already knows the why’s really. He knows Robert like no one else, he knows that all the times his family called him selfish, all the times he called Robert that himself- it was all wrong. Still, he needs and wants to hear it from Robert. He’s still angry, probably will be for a long while but he knows they need to do this. He takes the time to look at Robert- he doesn’t look great but it could be much worse he supposes. He looks exhausted and worn out, thinner than Aaron remembers him being, he’s got a split lip and it looks like there’s a healing bruise around his left eye.

He feels himself start to shake, all these feelings piling up. He never stopped thinking about Robert for one second, when he wasn’t angry, he had been so worried, so scared for Robert. Not having any idea how his (ex)husband was doing, whether he was hurt, whether he was looking after himself, whether he was sleeping and eating. Even now Robert’s sitting in front of him, Aaron rejects even the tiniest possibility of Robert having been hurt, he can’t stand the idea of it, feels tears welling up in his eyes. Robert took that from him, took away Aaron’s chance of looking after him the best he could. But all of that, the heartbreak and pain that Aaron suffered, it doesn’t take away from this overwhelming feeling of protectiveness Aaron suddenly feels. Because he never thought he’d get this, get to talk to Robert again about how he’s doing, what prison was like. And Aaron wants to know all that, wants to protect the older man from the thoughts and memories that prison will undoubtedly have left him with. He only has to look at him to know Robert has suffered too and he had no one, no support network, nobody to talk to other than other prison inmates, no one.

He watches Robert some more, feels himself breaking more and more the longer he looks at him. Robert hasn’t looked up this whole time, just has his hands wrapped around his mug, staring into his drink. The older man had been all alone inside, nobody to talk to. He had literally just been cut off from the world. He did that himself, but Aaron hates to think of what must have gone through Robert’s head to come to that decision.

“Rob” he prompts the older man, hoping to elicit a response. Robert looks up, a nervous, unsure smile on his face. “Talk to me- please?” Aaron asks, it doesn’t matter what Robert will talk about, he just wants him to start talking. He wants him to be able to talk to someone who cares- then he remembers that Robert probably thinks that he doesn’t care.

The older man puts his mug down on the table, links his fingers together. It’s a gesture Aaron recognises, it’s something Robert does when he wants to reach out to someone- to him- but knows he can’t. Aaron relates to having to restrain that desire. Holding Robert just a while ago was the best feeling ever. It had been seven months since he had last got to do that- the last time had been _that_ day, _that_ prison visit. Aaron squeezes his eyes shut trying to shake off the memory.

When he opens them he sees Robert watching him with concerned, wide eyes. He gives him a reassuring smile, hopes it tells the older man that he’s okay, that he’s okay to listen to whatever Robert has to say.

“I was so looking forward to seeing you” Robert starts, evidently finding it hard to speak and Aaron gulps, realises he’s talking about that day. “I couldn’t wait. Just before- I got told I was going to be moved- to the Isle of Wight. I didn’t- straight away I knew I couldn’t do it to you, to all of you. I’d messed up everything and I couldn’t make it worse. You, Liv, Seb, Vic your lives were here, jobs and schools. The reason I did what I did- why I gave myself up was so that you would still have your family near. That Liv and Seb had you. And of course I couldn’t tell ya, you would have told me that we could still make it work and I didn’t want the visit to be about that.”

“Because you knew it’d be the last time we’d see each other. It’s sick” Aaron scoffs, he just can’t help himself. Tears are pooling in his eyes, lone tears already rolling down his cheeks. Suddenly he doesn’t want to allow himself to understand anymore because it means having to accept problems that run much deeper. He curses himself and the aggression cursing through him. He told himself he was going to listen. He takes a deep breath, calming himself down slightly. He looks back up at Robert.

Robert’s also crying now and Aaron wants to hold him despite everything. The older man makes himself smaller, bringing his knees to his chest his body's facing Aaron but he’s not looking at him. Aaron isn’t sure if he’s looking at anything at all, there’s this faraway gaze on the older man’s face.

“It was so awful” Robert manages to continue, voice just above a whisper. “I thought we could do it you know? I had pictures up in my cell, of us and Seb, I felt relatively okay. The move changed everything. I didn’t want to ruin your life.”

“Well it’s exactly what you did do.” Aaron hisses, still finding his resolve hard to stick to. “You could have rang me, you could have written to me or you know- let me visit you there. We could have sorted something out but instead you just gave up. You gave up on us.”

Robert just nods, looking defeated. He seems to be done with his explanation and Aaron isn’t satisfied- not by a long shot.

“Do you have any idea how awful it was? Seeing you in there like that? Breaking down right in front of me and I couldn’t do anything about it. I knew something was wrong and yeah maybe I should have gotten it out of you. I just wanted to help you so much and you didn’t let me. When you said all that stuff about not forgetting and always loving me-“ Aaron can’t continue, feels absolutely sick. He doesn’t think it will ever leave him really. He’s cried about it so many times, other times he can only berate himself because he did have a bad feeling- he should have gotten it out of Robert and fixed it all there and then.

He looks at Robert- it reminds him of that day. The older man has tears rolling down his face, his chin wobbling. All Aaron wants to do is what he couldn’t then- but he can’t allow himself yet- needs to get it all out.

“I just wanted to hold you so badly. When you didn’t want to let me go and I saw you walking away- I had this feeling.” He shakes his head, hates himself, tries to hate Robert. “Say something for god’s sake-“

“It’s all I could say Aaron- I needed to say goodbye in a way. I should have kept it together more I just-“

“For fuck’s sake Robert!” Aaron yells, the overwhelming urge to punch a wall coming over him. “Of course you shouldn’t have kept it together- you should have just told me.” Aaron wipes away the tears on his face, has to keep telling himself to stay calm. He hates how Robert is basically apologizing for the way he acted- as if he really believed he should have kept his feelings hidden from Aaron, his _(ex)-husband._ He feels this terrible guilt bubbling up again, tries hard to push it down.

Robert doesn’t say anything- he seems to gaze at the direction of the door and Aaron feels terrible.

“Do you want to stop? Want me to go?” he says softly, hopes it will make Robert answer truthfully.

The older man shakes his head. “Are you sure?”

Another nod. “If I had told you I wouldn’t have listened to you, you know.”

“What?”

“You said- I should have told you. Like I said I didn’t want that to ruin the visit. But if I had- I know you would have tried to convince me- telling me that we could work it out. I would have probably agreed with you while knowing I would still- well you know.”

“Cut me off.” Aaron finishes for him and Robert just nods sheepishly.

 _At least its honest,_ Aaron thinks. He isn’t really surprised by that admission. Robert is stubborn, always determined to do what he thinks is right.

“There was a moment where I wanted to say it- but then you started talking about Liv and Vic and I just decided not to ruin it- I just wanted to see you smile.” Aaron’s throat is burning with tears, it’s painful as he tries to gulp it all down.

“You said that I shouldn’t have to do this- visiting you for 14 years” Aaron says, it isn’t hard for him to recall the conversation, he’s replayed it in his mind many times after all, but it doesn’t ever get easier to think about. “You’re strong, you can get through anything, you said” Aaron’s voice breaks at that and Robert looks like he’s in pain.

“Why?” Aaron whispers again.

“I told-“

“No- I know why I mean how could you think- why did you think to do this. When I was in prison you came to visit me and yeah you were supposed to serve 14 years but still? I told you I would do it and I meant it. Did our vows mean anything to you at all.”

Robert head snaps up at that “of course they did- that was the whole problem Aaron. But I never doubted you for a second.” Aaron looks up at the ceiling- knows they are finally getting to the core of it all.

“You know you would have done the same if I had been the one going to prison.”

“I wasn’t worth it Aaron.”

_Ah there it was._

Aaron wants to roll his eyes really, wants to yell that this isn’t true that Robert should stop being silly but something in him tells him to listen. “How can you-“

Robert ignores him “I ruined everything, as usual.” Robert smiles this familiar self-deprecating smile. “I couldn’t make it worse-” He sighs as if to prepare himself for something big. “I never deserved you Aaron. But I have always been selfish and didn’t let that stop me, not really. You have always deserved someone better than me but it worked didn’t it? We worked together. But it was only a matter of time before I once again proved to be not good enough for you- that I wasn’t a good person. Yeah Lee deserved to die, I don’t regret that. But I do regret hurting you, ruining us and all our dreams together. I hurt you so much in the past and I did it again. I was then either going to take you away from your family or we were going to be apart. I thought the latter was the best- even though at first I really did convince myself we could make it work with visits. Until that failed.”

“Robert-“ Aaron starts, fresh tears rolling down his face. The way Robert is speaking so calmly kind of scares him and he wants to shake the blond out of this almost trance-like state.

“No- please let me say this.” Aaron can only nod.

“I guess cutting you off the way I did- it was selfish but also what I thought was best. I knew it would make you hate me but that way I hoped it would make it easier for you to cope- it would make it easier for you to move on.” Aaron wants to yell at that, wants to tell Robert that that doesn’t make sense but the older man isn’t looking at him and continues to talk. “I just wanted you to be happy- as happy as you could be and the whole point of me handing myself in was you not being alone and isolated. This way you had your family around you and I couldn’t be a burden to you.”

“Stop this” Aaron hisses, can’t believe what he is hearing. It’s so horrible to hear, so wrong and he can’t hear any more of it. Robert looks at him shocked, mouth closing abruptly. Aaron wipes at his cheeks, it isn’t much use because the tears keep streaming anyway. “You would have never been a burden.” He whispers, can’t believe Robert would think that.

“But I couldn’t be a proper husband to you could I? All our dreams- everything would have stopped. You didn’t deserve that.”

“Everything stopped anyway.”

“But you had a chance to find someone else.” Robert shoots back and Aaron breathes out, shaking his head. “You don’t get it do you? I only ever wanted you. I told you that so often, I needed you, only you nothing else. I would have done everything for you, gone anywhere for you. Why couldn’t you accept that- why couldn’t you just believe that?”

Robert looks at him again, eyes searching his face. “I didn’t doubt that Aaron- it knew you would have been there for me. But it wouldn’t have been fair. Like I said, in a way I was being selfish you know? I wanted you to have the best life yeah- but I also did what I thought would help me cope in the long run. You visiting me, in that kind of environment, it would hurt you and I didn’t want that for you, and I know I wouldn’t have been able to face you hurting because of me. I was just terrified of making you hate me in the long run, it creeping up on ya slowly. It was like ripping off a plaster but then having it over and done with. I couldn’t bear the thought of you hating me more and more every time you visited, resenting me for that kind of life.”

Aaron sniffed, heart aching. He felt his anger subsiding slowly, paving the way for frustration, sadness and _guilt._ “But what about you?”

“What about me?” Robert asks, a sad smile appearing on his face.

“You were alone.” Aaron says, stammering slightly, not necessarily wanting to point out this obvious but painful fact. 

Robert shrugs “like I said- to cope. I was hoping it would help me in the long run and you deserved to be happy.”

Aaron wants to shake him “And you didn’t?”

“Aaron-“ Robert says, sounding far too reasonable- “do you remember what I told you on the phone when- I have done some terrible things in my time- you know that better than anyone. I had it coming really. But the last thing I could do at least- was give you a chance at that life you deserved so much. I hate that I did it by hurting you so much but I hoped you would understand some day and get why I did it.”

_There’s stuff I’ve done, stuff I haven’t even told you about- and it keeps me awake at night._

Aaron remembers it all, that whole conversation and all the times he had thought about it ever since. The guilt he had felt- wondering if Robert would have felt the same if Aaron had made him open up more. Communication between them had improved so much since getting back together but there had still been times that Robert had looked lost, a faraway gaze on his face. Maybe if Aaron had pushed him more-

“I would have loved you- visited you for however long. You were the one I wanted Robert- just you no matter how hard stuff got. You always make stuff better- remember when I said that to you.” He was full on sobbing again and Robert looked like he was in extreme pain. “I should have done more I know that- when you were still here but also after you- I should have hassled your lawyer, should have written you letter after letter.”

Robert looks shocked at that and begins shaking his head. Aaron heart stops when the older man crouches in front of him, a trembling hand on his knee. “Aaron please don’t- you hating me- it’s what needed to happen yeah? I needed that because that way there was less chance you’d be taking all the hurt and anger out on yourself. So please don’t ever think you didn’t do enough. You-“ Robert looks down, not able to carry on. Aaron wants to stop him, wants to tell him to calm down but Robert is looking at him again, eyes determined. “I told you not to forget didn’t I- that kept me going- even if you hated me. And all my own memories- of us it kept me strong. I took those memories out when I felt I couldn’t cope any longer.” Robert is smiling at him- Aaron recognises the smile, it radiates sadness but also pride, pride towards Aaron. He isn’t sure if he deserves it. Robert still loves him so much, thinks the world of him that much is clear. He never really believed it- that Robert had just given up on him- but now he knew for sure.

“You’re still the strongest person I know.”

Aaron feels his heart break at Robert’s words, can’t wrap his head around Robert’s love for him, his selflessness, the way he sacrificed his own needs for Aaron. Robert thought his needs had been his family. Aaron gulps, remembering the way that same family had treated him and dismissed Robert. He knew they had been so glad that Aaron was still in the village- not somewhere in France, but in the same breath they had berated Robert, the one who had made sure that they wouldn't lose Aaron. At the end of the day Robert had only ever loved Aaron, like no one had ever done before and it showed in everything the older man did.

“Rob” his voice breaks and Robert looks at him again, eyes shining with tears. Aaron realises he never replied to what Robert had said- he was probably worried. Aaron just needs to hold him so badly- he can’t take it any longer. Robert frowns, his hand still on the younger man’s knee. Aaron takes Robert’s trembling hand in his own- the contact almost making his heart stop. Aaron goes to stand up- hand still firmly holding Robert’s and the older man mirrors him.

Aaron only takes one step, then sits down on the couch- Robert seems to get what he wants but hesitates, looks down at their intertwined hands.

“Come here please.” Aaron says and Robert nods, when he goes to sit down he pulls up his legs straight away- still wanting to make himself small, Aaron doesn’t mind, it makes it easier for him to pull Robert towards his chest. The older man makes a surprised noise but sags into the hug, before almost immediately shifting himself so that he can press his face into Aaron’s chest. Aaron lays both his hands on Robert’s back, comforting, and presses a kiss into his hair. He’s sure he feels his shirt dampening slightly. “It’s alright, it’s okay I’m here.” He whispers feeling almost faint with it all- it’s been so long since he has been like this, comforting, gentle, in a way only Robert ever got to see. He doesn’t think he could ever be like this with anyone else really. Of course he’s good with comforting Liv, Seb, his mum but Robert is different and always has been. He never thought he get to do this again. Robert’s not sobbing, his body isn’t heaving but he is crying, just silently and Aaron just keeps rubbing at his back.

The pain and heartbreak Aaron feels and has felt, he pushes it away for now- doesn’t even have to try hard. He doesn’t want to do anything other than this for the moment, he’s finally able to be there for Robert properly, for the first time in months.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooo yeah like i said this is definitely a fic with lots of conversation because i just want to give my boys the chance to talk about everything. i hope you are enjoying this! thank you to everyone who's left me comments already, i really appreciate it <3  
> i am hoping to get the next chapter up soon, although i am very busy with uni again atm so please bear with me xx


	4. IV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> robert and aaron talk some more,,, and end up back together <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took a while for me to update! with everything going on i wasn't feeling very inspired but we're back. i hope you're all doing well and enjoy this chapter <3

Robert doesn’t dare move, scared it will break this bubble that he wants to bury himself in forever. He’s cried himself out- silent tears until they had stopped streaming. Aaron’s still rubbing his back slowly and Robert’s mind is telling him how much he doesn’t deserve this. He doesn’t want this moment to end, he really doesn’t but it has to sooner or later hasn’t it? If this is the end he’d rather not drag it out.

He pulls away slowly, eyes flickering to Aaron’s straight away, watching his face like a hawk. Aaron’s smiling, expression gentle. “You okay?” Robert nods, aware of the wet patch on Aaron’s t-shirt “sorry about that” he croaks out and Aaron frowns at him “don’t be daft.” Aaron looks concerned and Robert just wants him to say something, wants him to tell him where they stand- if anywhere at all really.

“Are you leaving?” Robert eyes widen as he hears his own clumsy words tumbling out, they sound blunt. “Sorry- I didn’t meant to- I don’t know.” He looks down at the space between their hands.

“Do you want me to?” Aaron asks kindly and Robert dares to meet his eyes again.

“No-no of course not- it’s just- I didn’t think you wanted to stay. And what about Liv- I don’t know what the time is and-“

“Robert- hey. It’s okay. It won’t be that late yet.”

 _Isn’t it?_ Robert thinks- he seems to have no sense of anything at all at the minute.

“Liv can look after herself you know? I want to be here but only if you want me to.”

“Yes, please?” Robert whispers and Aaron squeezes his hand smiling sadly. He watches him reach for his phone. “It’s only four.”

“Oh.” Robert replies- realising that Aaron was right but still- they had been here together like this- talking, crying, shouting- for hours.

“Shall I make us another cuppa?” Aaron asks, clearly at a loss of what to do, what to say. Robert would laugh if he didn’t feel so confused, so on edge. Everything feels so breakable. He’s just waiting for Aaron to leave, or to start shouting again. He also can’t wrap his head around the younger man still being here in the first place. Is he just being kind? Will Aaron leave later today and that’s it? Would they start acting like total strangers from tomorrow onwards? Robert can’t bear the thought but then again, he’d never expected anything from the younger man, least of all the patience and the kindness. Anything Aaron wants to offer him he’ll take, Robert suddenly decides.

“Rob?” Robert realises he hasn’t given Aaron an answer, too busy staring into space while his thoughts run away with him. “I’d like that, thank you.” Aaron smiles although the concern is still clear in his eyes. Robert looks away.

*

Aaron watches the older man from the kitchen, he looks painfully confused and Aaron isn’t sure what to do for the best. The last thing he wants to do is push Robert away but he’s also afraid he is only confusing him more. He knows what he wants though, it’s so clear in his head. Aaron wants a future with Robert, despite the past seven months, despite the pain the older man has caused him. He knows Robert did what he did because he loved him- _loves_ him. Aaron still loves him, so much it hurts him everywhere. Things are different now though. Robert knows to an extent what his actions have meant for Aaron and Aaron knows the whys. But he has no idea what Robert’s been through in prison, and Robert has no idea what has been happening here with Aaron. All those men, Seb, Wendy. Aaron gulps, hands beginning to shake slightly while he works on the drinks.

“Here ya go.”

“Thank you Aaron.” It sounds so sincere and Aaron sighs “it’s just a cup of tea Robert, another one.”

“Still.” Robert shrugs, shrinking into himself again. After some hesitation Aaron sits back in the chair. He isn’t sure whether he’s imagining Robert’s face falling slightly.

“Are you hungry?” Aaron asks, suddenly wondering when Robert’s last eaten. He is aware that the older man looks thinner, tries not to worry about it too much.

“Are you?”

“I’m asking you.”

“No. But you can help yourself if you want to.”

“I’m not either.” Aaron says.

Robert takes a deep breath, looks down for a second then meets Aaron’s eyes again. Aaron senses that he wants to say something that’s painful.

“Seb- how is he doing?” Robert asks, his voice trembling.

Aaron feels his heart sink. He thinks of the little boy and how much he loves him. When it seemed like he wasn’t going to be able to see him anymore- it felt like another instant of his whole world falling apart. He can’t imagine how hard it must have been for Robert to know he was going to miss out on so much- thinking he wasn’t going to be able to see him grow up. Aaron isn’t ready to explain the whole situation with Rebecca. It’s sorted now and he decides that Robert doesn’t need to know just yet that he suffered even more heartbreak while he was gone.

“He’s great Rob-“ Aaron’s voice breaks, he feels barely able to carry on and Robert looks alarmed. “He’s amazing Robert, honestly. It’s just- he misses ya you know? But I’ve always spoken about you whenever I’ve seen him.”

Robert looks devastated, fresh tears in his eyes. “He asks for me?”

“Of course he does Robert.” Aaron tries to push away the memories of the hurt he had felt whenever Seb had asked about Robert.

“He missed ya- I missed us all together. But he’s fine, growing up so much already.” _He reminds_ _me of you_ is what Aaron wants to add but he doesn’t feel strong enough. “He’ll be so happy when he sees ya I promise.”

Robert’s sobbing now and Aaron’s eyes widen. He crouches in front of the couch, places a hand on Robert’s knee. “Rob- it’s alright, hey please don’t cry.” Aaron says helplessly, feels like crying himself. _Is it really alright, can it ever be?_ Aaron thinks, it’s only been seven months and there are already so many painful memories to get through, so many things that Robert missed out on.

It hits Aaron once again that they were apart for seven months. Not in each other’s life for all that time, no contact- nothing. In the past- when they’d been broken up or not even together properly, they’d at least still been able to see or speak to each other. This has broken them both, but he also knows that these seven months really stop here. There is no way he can ever be apart from the older man ever again.

“Rob” he presses “look at me.” Robert does and Aaron tries to smile at him, he reaches a trembling hand to the older man’s face, gently wiping away the tears. Aaron then grabs one of Robert’s hands, gently stroking his thumb over the knuckles, he sees that they are slightly bruised- pushes that to the back of his mind for now. “You’re here now hm” he continues, tries to keep the smile on his face, just wants Robert to match it so badly. “You’re here and you will get to see him so soon. It’s not even been a year yet Robert.”

Robert nods, eyes on Aaron, a few tears still slipping down his cheeks but he seems to have calmed down a bit. “But it shouldn’t have been like this” Robert says and Aaron frowns “I should have been in there for years Aaron, years. I’ve been so lucky and I just can’t-“ he trails off, clearly getting overwhelmed again.

Aaron gets that this is one of the things Robert is struggling with- the knowledge that he’s out when he was supposed to serve 14 years in prison.

“Rob, listen to me. Yeah, you were supposed to be in there longer and you’ve done some bad stuff in the past. But L- he- he was evil and I am glad he’s gone. I just hate that he took you away from me. But Robert you belong here yeah? I know you and you have always looked out for your family, worked on being a better person and you are. You’re a good man alright?”

Robert looks overwhelmed and Aaron hopes it wasn’t too much.

“Thank you I- thank you” Robert says, he’s looking at Aaron in awe and Aaron’s heart stops. Aaron moves to sit next to the older man.

“How about we call it a day for now eh?” Aaron says, watches Robert closely.

“What- yeah okay” he stammers. “You’ve been here for hours, of course.” Robert says quietly, putting some space between him and Aaron on the couch.

“No Robert- no that wasn’t what I meant unless you want me to go now? Get some rest?”

“You’re not going?” Robert questions, looking confused.

It’s like a repeat of earlier and Aaron decides to be clear.

“I am staying, If you want me to” he takes a deep breath “Rob- I don’t want to overwhelm you right now but I want to- I want to be here for you, be with you.” He winces at his own spluttering. Robert looks at him shocked “you mean- but?”

“Yeah. Me and you against the world right?” Aaron thinks of when Vic described them like that, how true it is.

“But I- I’ve” Robert shakes his head, struggling to get the words out. “After what happened?” He’s blinking against the threatening tears.

“Messed up forever you and me, remember?”

*

Robert does remember but he can’t help but feel that all of this is more than just a bit messed up. He knows he must look shocked and that Aaron is getting worried but he’s trying to get his head around what’s happening, not really managing thus far.

“Robert, talk to me please.” Aaron reaches for his hand again, strokes his thumb on the back of it.

“This can’t happen” he whispers and Aaron looks heartbroken, his thumb stilting.

“Why not?”

“You think this is what you want Aaron- but how can it be after what I’ve done to you. I don’t want you to think you have to or something. I am not expecting you to do this.”

“You can’t honestly think you are somehow making me do this. Robert look at me.”

Robert sniffs and dares to look up, Aaron’s searching his face with wide eyes. He can only nod, it’s exactly what he thinks.

“Robert, I just- I only want you alright? I haven’t completely forgiven you for the way you’ve handled things although I get it yeah? I’ve always known deep down that you thought you were doing me some kind of favour. I get it I promise. And yeah we have so much to work through, together and separately but Robert- the thought of leaving here knowing there’s no way back for us, knowing I can’t be there for you the way I have wanted to be for the past seven months I- I don’t think I can do that. So even if you’re not ready yet, I still want to be here for you yeah? I never want to think of you broken, alone and possibly hurt ever again so if you want me.. I am here. Please don’t shut me out.”

Aaron lets out a shaky breath and Robert can feel the wetness on his cheeks, his nose all runny.

Just a few days ago he was still in his cell, now he was back here, with Aaron sitting next to him, the younger man telling him he still wanted him. It felt too much like a dream he’d soon wake up from.

He takes a deep breath “in prison I thought about this moment all the time- never thought I’d get it though. There’s nothing more that I want other than being with you. I am just not sure how good I am going to be at it.”

“Good at being with me?” Aaron repeats softly and Robert nods. “Why wouldn’t you be?”

“After everything. It all just feels so weird right now. What if I am not the way you remember me?” it’s a fear that Robert never thought he’d get to speak out loud considering he never expected to get back together with Aaron. He was different, even after seven months and it scared him.

“That’s okay Robert. We will just take it slow yeah? And we will talk- always. Just talk to me about stuff. I know what that place can do to people. You’re still my husband.”

“I am?” Robert gasps and Aaron smiles sadly “you always were Rob.”

“I am so so sorry about that Aaron.”

“I know Rob- I wish I never signed them, I wish I fought for us more, whatever you say- I should have done more.”

“Aaron no. I never expected that from you and you weren’t meant to, remember? I wanted to let you go.” Robert sighs, he feels exhausted. He doesn’t want to go round in circles anymore. “Can we just-“ he trails off, not knowing if he dares to ask.

“What do you want Rob?”

“Can we just sit here for a bit- just” Robert shrugs his shoulders uselessly, he can’t seem to articulate what he wants. Aaron had suggested calling it a day but now they were talking about everything again and Robert didn’t feel like he had the right to make Aaron stop. Aaron had the right to ask questions, to be frustrated with him.

*

“Course we can. Sorry, I got carried away.” Aaron smiles sheepishly, realising that he really had just dropped all that on Robert. “I meant it though Rob, I want us but I don’t want to push you so please don’t say you want this too if you don’t.” He gulps, the last thing Aaron wants to do is push the older man into things considering everything he’s been through.

“I want nothing more, honest. I just hope I am good enough.” Robert smiles sadly and Aaron shakes his head “you were always enough Rob, always.” _And I probably should have told you more_ Aaron thinks, decides that from now on he will never let Robert believe otherwise.

*

Aaron hasn’t had much sleep but he doesn’t mind. Robert’s back in his arms.

It had gotten dark by the time Vic got home. Aaron saw the tears in her eyes when she saw the two of them. They hadn’t exchanged many words, Vic clearly happy to leave them to and disappearing upstairs after kindly draping a blanket over them. it and Aaron appreciated it. He also hadn’t wanted to wake Robert up. He looks down at the older man, not being able to resist stroking his cheek. Robert has his head in his lap, face half tucked into Aaron’s stomach. Aaron hopes he’s comfortable enough, Robert needs all the sleep he can get, that much is clear. The older man had woken up a few times, each time he had seemed panicky and anxious at first but had calmed down when Aaron had reassured him that everything was alright, or when he had gently ran his hand through the blonde’s hair. It seems to be all Robert needs and Aaron’s happy he can do this for him although it also breaks his heart because he wishes he had never been forced to stop being the person Robert needed. He hates that Robert’s been alone and isolated for so long. Aaron can’t wrap his head around the blonde’s strength.

He blinks back the tears that seem endless and goes back to stroking Robert’s hair, hopes it will sooth him in his dreams. Aaron can’t do anything about the past seven months, they happened and they were a living nightmare. But he can do something about the present and the future, _their_ future. Aaron never wants to let Robert out of his sight ever again.

*

“Aaron-“

“Hey you alright?”

Robert blinks sleepily, making Aaron’s heart melt. “What time is it?”

Aaron struggles to get his phone from his pocket but manages to see the time.

“About three.”

“You’re still here.” Robert says, an expression of wonder on his face and Aaron gulps. “Of course I am- going nowhere as long as you don’t want me to.”

“Don’t want you to leave.”

“I know. I’m not leaving.”

“Have you slept?” Robert asks, searching Aaron’s face and the younger man nods. It’s not true but he can’t risk Robert getting them to move, he doesn’t want to move, wants to stay like this forever.

Robert nods before frowning “this can’t be comfortable for you.” It isn’t really and Aaron’s been in this position for a long time now but still he’s desperate not to burst this bubble. “I am fine Rob honest. Go back to sleep yeah?” Robert stares at him for a few seconds but eventually nods and presses his face against Aaron’s stomach once more, Aaron’s hand resting in Robert’s hair.

“What’s going to happen to us?” Robert mumbles.

“We’re going to be alright. I promise.” And Aaron’s desperate for that to be the truth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if any of you remember that little flash forward from the second chapter,,, i hope that makes more sense now! thank you for reading x


	5. V

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> robert moves back into the mill and the boys enjoy each other's company.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is very soft! be prepared for some fluff. 
> 
> warning: there are mentions of distorted eating in this chapter, it's not talked about in huge detail but there are mentions of robert not having that much of an appetite so please be aware of that <3

It had been a tough week and Aaron wasn’t sure how much more he could take. He was torn between pushing Robert to talk more and giving him the space to get his head around everything. Robert had been quiet, too quiet. Robert just wasn’t himself and Aaron was concerned. He was concerned about the older man’s state of mind and the way he was coping with the fact he was out of prison. Aaron also couldn’t help feeling this gnawing anxiety and fear at not knowing what Robert had gone through in prison. When he had been inside things had been bad, extra bad. What if Robert had had to deal with more than just average prison life as well. Not that average prison life was easy, anything but and Robert had been all alone, isolating himself completely. Plus he’d never been inside before. Aaron sighed, these thoughts and more had been tormenting his mind for the past few days and he was desperate to do something about it but the fear of upsetting Robert even more kept holding him back. They hadn’t talked much since the day they’d reunited at Vic’s, the whole thing had clearly taken it out of Robert, so much so that Aaron was almost scared he’d pushed Robert into everything that had happened since, even though deep down he knew that wasn’t the case.

Aaron had suggested that Robert moved back into the mill, into his own home the very next morning after they’d fallen asleep together on Vic’s couch. The older man had understandingly been taken aback by that, Aaron had been shocked at himself really, but after holding Robert through the night it just hadn’t been an option to let him go again. Robert had been hesitant, asking him whether he was sure over and over again, Aaron reassuring him in turn again and again. In the end they had decided that Robert would stay at Vic’s for another three days while things settled down, which basically translated to Aaron having to tell everyone Robert was released from prison and that they were back together. Liv had been easy, so easy. She couldn’t believe it at first, had then started shouting at Aaron for not telling her sooner. She had still been mad at Robert on his behalf, but after promising him she’d only be kind to Robert he’d let her run off to Vic’s to see him for herself.

His mum and Paddy had been harder. Aaron hadn’t wanted to tell them, he’d wanted to keep him and Robert locked away from the rest of the world, safe in their own little bubble for a while longer. But he’d figured telling them straight away would make things easier in the long run. Aaron loved them of course he did, but he hated the way they’d acted towards Robert, the way they were always able to dismiss him so easily. Things had gotten better over time, the longer Robert had been gone but Aaron would never forget the way they had talked about Robert, the way they had talked about them and their marriage the first few weeks after Robert had cut him off. Aaron knew it had all come from a feeling of concern for his wellbeing but his parents erasing Robert and everything the both of them had been through hadn’t exactly helped him.

They hadn’t been happy, naturally, and Aaron had asked them to keep their distance for a while. He didn’t want them near Robert now he had really realised how they had always felt about him. It hurt Aaron to think about how Robert probably really believed Chas and Paddy cared about him- and why wouldn’t he really. After they had gotten back together and married for the second time things between Robert and his parents had seemed great. Chas and Paddy cared about Robert, hell maybe even loved him, but it seemed that that wasn’t important anymore when things went wrong between Robert and Aaron. And maybe that was logical because Aaron’s their son but at the same time Robert was their family too and the older man should have had them on their side especially because he had done all of this for Aaron, so that he could be with his family. Robert hadn’t deserved the both of them badmouthing him while he had been battling with all these feelings and while he was all on his own. No, Aaron was going to protect Robert from it all for a while longer if he could help it.

Aaron’s throwing some lunch together for the two of them even though he knows Robert will just politely smile and take some bites before pushing his plate away. Aaron glances at the older man who’s laying on the couch. He had been there ever since he moved back into the mill really, well moved in- Robert didn’t bring that much stuff which had just been another thing that broke Aaron’s heart. Robert had one bag with stuff he had taken home with him from prison, that bag was still unpacked in the bedroom _, their_ bedroom. Then there had been all Robert’s stuff that had been stored at Vic’s after Aaron chucked them out. He had cursed himself about that, wished he had gotten all of it back before Robert moved in but it had been too late. Robert had hardly commented on it, just said that it didn’t matter and that he’d be wearing mostly lounge stuff anyway. So those bags were also still unpacked.

Robert had been sleeping on the couch ever since he moved back in, it was his bed hence why he had been in that exact spot for days now.

*

_“I’ve brought all your stuff upstairs. I haven’t unpacked any of it but if you want me to do so or if you need any help please tell me.” Aaron says, walking down the stairs._

_“Thank you, no it’s fine. I will do it soon.”_

_“There’s no rush Rob.” Aaron says quickly. He doesn’t want Robert to think he doesn’t want his stuff lying around, Aaron doesn’t care about that, all he cares about is having Robert here, in their home. And really, it’s his fault Robert’s clothes are all packed in bags in the first place. He’s staring at Robert who’s sitting on the couch, looking quite bewildered._

_“Rob?”_

_“Hmm.”_

_“Are you sure this is what you want? You seem- you’re quiet.”_

_“I want this.” Robert says, it’s the first thing he’s said today that has sounded half confident. Aaron sighs slightly with relief._

_“I am sorry, I guess I’m not sure what to do.” Robert shrugs his shoulders, he glances at Aaron quickly, his expression shy. It makes Aaron’s heart melt but also break simultaneously because he hates seeing Robert this unsure of himself._

_“It’s ok. You don’t have to do or be anything yeah? There’s all the time in the world now.” Aaron isn’t sure if it’s the right thing to say to Robert, especially because the older man’s still haunted by getting out so much earlier than he was supposed to but he looks up at him and nods “yeah, you’re right.”_

_Liv’s out of the way, staying at Gabby’s. She wasn’t best pleased about being sent away at first but accepted it after Aaron had said that even though it was Rob’s first night home there wasn’t going to be some kind of celebration. Aaron just wants it to be quiet and calm for Robert- no fuss._

_“It’s so strange being here.” Robert suddenly says. “But I think I’d rather be here than Vic’s, it’s bigger here for a start- a bigger space.” Aaron frowns before realising what Robert’s getting at. “You’re safe here Rob.”_

_“I know. I’m sorry I’m not much fun at the minute.” Aaron’s eyes widen. “You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for. Like I said, you don’t have to be anything.” He watches Robert fiddle uncomfortably and knows there is more. “You can talk to me.”_

_“This was just never how I imagined it you know? I mean I didn’t think I’d ever be welcome here again. But even if I did allow myself to imagine this I- we were happy and laughing and smiling.”_

_“Robert” the tears in Aaron’s voice are audible, he tries to gulp it all away._

_“No- god I don’t mean it like that. I am happy- I am. But I also feel- I don’t even know what I feel most of the time.” He laughs but it’s a hollow laugh, one to fill the silence._

_“I am happy too Rob, because you’re here no matter what. You just need time yeah? To get used to everything again. But we will do it together alright? And you can always talk to me about anything.”_

_Robert nods “what about you though?”_

_“What do you mean?”_

_“After everything, me being back here- it’s different for you too.”_

_“Yeah you’re right, so we will both have to get used to it all again won’t we.” Aaron wants to bump his shoulder against Robert’s but isn’t sure whether he can. Robert smiles slightly, nods._

_There’s silence between them again and Aaron’s busy trying to push away what Robert has said. Because he’s right. Aaron also needs to get used to having Robert back here again- and there’s still so much to talk about, so much that needs to be said. He tries not to think about it now, he just wants to concentrate on Robert’s wellbeing._

_“Aaron?”_

_“Yeah.”_

_Robert’s playing with his hands again and Aaron wants to remind him again that he can talk about anything when Robert opens his mouth._

_“I think- I think I’d like to sleep here tonight. Not in our bed- I mean your bed, if it still is. Sorry ignore me.”_

_“Robert look at me.” Aaron takes it as a win when the older man finally meets his gaze properly and holds it. “Whatever you want yeah? Of course you can stay here, I’ll get you blankets and cushions. And it’s our bed, just like this is your home.”_

_“Aaron, thank you.” He sounds so sincere and before Aaron can stop himself he stretches out his hand before hesitating but Robert grabs it in his. “It’s just- I don’t like sleeping in proper rooms, I like the open space.”_

_“I get it Rob, it’s okay.”_

_He doesn’t tell Robert that he himself hasn’t been sleeping upstairs in their bed since long. That he’s only managed to have full nights in their bed for a couple of weeks now. Instead he squeezes Robert’s hand tightly._

*

Aaron clears his throat, the sound filling the room. He watches Robert closely, trying to gauge his mood. The older man keeps staring into space, he’s been doing that a lot and it makes Aaron want to cry most of the time. He can’t help but fear that Robert’s knee-deep in this darkness and he’s scared to think about what that would mean. Aaron knows they have to start talking about what’s next- not because he’s desperate to go back to how things were because that’s impossible, but he knows he can’t leave Robert like this for too long, drowning in thoughts and memories.

“Aaron?”

“Hey, you’re alright? I’ve made us some food, you want to sit at the table or shall I sit with you?”

Aaron watches Robert get up and Aaron smiles.

“How are you feeling today?”

“I’m alright. You?”

“Good yeah” Aaron almost winces at his own tone, knows that Robert’s able to tell he’s lying.

“Liar.” Robert is smiling slightly and it makes Aaron feel better almost instantly. “Honest I am fine.”

“I was watching you, you were just staring at these plates for five minutes. Don’t tell me you’ve suddenly developed an interest for food presentation.” Robert almost sounds like himself, the whole conversation actually sounds like _them._

“Says you.” Aaron dares to say and Robert meets his gaze properly. “That’s fair. I know I’ve been difficult.”

“What, fuck Robert no.” Aaron almost chokes on a piece of bread trying to get the words out. “None of this is your fault. I’ve just been worried about you and I feel like I’m not doing enough to help.”

“You are Aaron. You are. I know I’ve been- well absent but you’ve looked after me and made sure I was drinking and eating properly. You’ve been amazing especially because I don’t-“

“No Rob-“ Aaron interrupts, knowing exactly what the older man was about to say. There are tears in his eyes and he sees that it’s the same for Robert. “You deserve to be looked after and cared for.” Aaron feels it so passionately that he has to gulp against the lump in his throat. He grabs Robert’s hand, grateful when the older man doesn’t resist. “Of course I am looking after you Robert and I don’t care that you’re absent but- but it does mean that you are struggling and I don’t want to push you I really don’t but please don’t shut me out Rob. You can talk to me about anything. I am here yeah? And I know people always say that, and I’ve said it a lot these past few days but I really mean it. This is me remember? Whatever you need or want to say, you can. I’ve been scared to push you- but please Robert, know you’re not on your own anymore.”

Robert’s not looking at him and Aaron’s heart is almost beating out of his chest. He’s staring at their hands when Robert takes his hand and holds it against his face. Aaron just about manages to stop himself from gasping, the softness bringing fresh tears to his eyes.

“I love you.” Robert whispers and Aaron can’t stop how he cries. It’s the first time he’s hearing Robert say it since the last time he saw him, in prison. But Robert’s telling him again, right here right now in their home. Aaron doesn’t have to think about that prison visit anymore when he thinks of the last time Robert said it because he is saying it now.

“I love you too. I never stopped.” Aaron manages to whisper and Robert looks up, the recognition of what Aaron’s just said evident in his expression. He kisses Aaron’s hand, before holding it against his cheek again. The older man is slightly shaking his head and Aaron uses his free hand to pinch at Robert’s arm, getting him out of his own head again.

“I just can’t believe any of this.”

“I know Rob- I know.”

Robert lays both their hands back on the table but keeps holding on. “I- the past week has been very hard, and strange and overwhelming. But I think I am ready to take steps towards getting back to normal again.” He frowns, clearly gathering his thoughts. “I know it will take a while, and things are different but I don’t want to spend days on end on the couch anymore either. I know what you’ve been thinking- that I’m depressed or whatever- I don’t know whether that’s true but I do know that carrying on like this- not letting anyone in will only have me sinking deeper into whatever I am feeling.”

The pride Aaron feels is almost overwhelming. The both of them have gotten better over the years- but they never were the ultimate poster boys for being open about their feelings, especially when it came to mental health. Aaron admires the way Robert just managed to articulate his feelings. He hasn’t heard the older man talk like that often and even though it’s scary to hear Robert admit that he’s been feeling very low, Aaron is relieved to know that Robert himself realises what’s happening and that it possibly could get worse and most importantly- that he doesn’t want that to happen.

He squeezes Robert’s hand, reassuring. “I am so proud of you.”

“I haven’t done anything.”

“You have, I promise ya.” He stands up to give Robert a kiss on his forehead before asking “how about I make us a brew and we cuddle on the couch and talk about everything that’s going on in that head of yours yeah?”

“Cuddle?” Robert repeats, eyes smiling.

“Don’t tell me you haven’t missed that?”

“The most.” Robert replies, tone soft and serious.

“Same.” Aaron says, trying hard not to get too emotional again. “So shift, I’ll bring them over.”

They cuddle up together, not as close as Aaron would like but he isn’t quite sure about the boundaries, doesn’t know what Robert’s comfortable with yet. Robert has his knees up on the couch facing Aaron, who decides to mirror him, their knees now touching slightly.

“So what do you want to know?” Robert asks, taking a sip of his tea before putting it back on the table. There’s really this lightness about the older man and even though Aaron is happy to see it- he also worries that it’s just Robert pushing himself too hard.

“You must have questions- about how it was inside. I know you’ve been wanting to ask.”

Aaron hesitates again- he can’t seem to help it even though he suggested talking about stuff. He bites his lip.

“I don’t want to upset you. I know it’s been a week now but when we were at Vic’s- talking about everything- it took it out of you.”

Robert looks down at that, shoulders slumping slightly. After a few beats of silence he starts speaking again “it was just prison you know? It wasn’t fun but I kept my head down. I was alright- most of the time.” Aaron feels how his heart starts beating faster but Robert doesn’t elaborate. “Mostly it was just lonely. I was alone and I know I did that myself but I think that was the worst.” Aaron doesn’t know what to say to comfort Robert. He knows the older man is beating himself up about his actions even though he’d do it all over again if he had to. Aaron can’t imagine how it must have felt- has to close his eyes when he remembers that Robert was supposed to live like that for fourteen years. It makes him want to hold him and never let him go.

“You put others before yourself in the most unimaginable way. It’s not about whether it was the right thing to do or not okay? Not now. What’s important now is that you’re here and you’re not alone anymore. I won’t let you.” _I should have never let you in the first place_ is what Aaron can’t help but think, still. He can’t let the thought go. That’s the thing he keeps beating himself up over.

“I was alone but I always thought about you and the life we had and I thought about Seb, Liv, and Vic too. It hurt, but also reminded me of why I was doing it and I knew you wouldn’t forget about me.”

Aaron’s eyes widen, he grabs Robert’s hand.

_Promise me you’ll never forget._

“I thought about you every second of every day. I’d never forget you Rob- I could never. You made me promise that didn’t ya? I’ve always known you love me even when it was really hard.” He’s horrified that it could ever be something that Robert’s scared of. Even though deep down he knows it was always one of the blonde’s fears- to be forgotten and abandoned, even in people’s memories.

Robert smiles softly at him in reply before raising his hand to wipe away the tears on Aaron’s face he hadn’t even realised had fallen. “Do you want to talk about things?”

“Eh?” Aaron asks, still half lost in his thoughts and concerns about Robert.

“How you coped- only if you want to talk about it?”

Aaron doesn’t because it means more difficult conversations that he hasn’t prepared for.

“I take that as a no.” Robert’s still smiling at him and Aaron lets out a little laugh while shrugging his shoulders.

“We can always just put on some mind-numbing show, not think for a while.” Robert says and Aaron can’t help but nod enthusiastically.

Aaron wakes to inaudible mumblings close to his ear and the feeling he’s on the floor. After blinking a few times he realises both things are not a dream. He’s on the floor- well one thin blanket removed from the floor and Robert’s next to him on the couch, a frown on his face and his head shaking. He sits up, resisting the urge to gasp at the pain in his back. He goes to sit down at the edge of the couch, careful to not make Robert panic even more when he’s like this. Aaron doesn’t know whether to touch Robert- before, he had always woken Robert up from a nightmare by touching him, now he has no idea whether he can still calm the older man down the same way. He has no idea what Robert’s seeing in his dream and whether he’ll kick out more if Aaron touches him. He risks it though, doesn’t want to let Robert suffer any longer.

“Rob” he whispers, reaching out with a shaky hand to touch Robert’s hair. “Hey- you’re alright. Wake up, it’s fine.” He’s softly stroking Robert’s arm- “you’re safe.”

“Aaron?” Aaron watches Robert wake slowly, relieved to see he doesn’t look scared of Aaron half hovering above him. “Are you alright?- sorry stupid question.”

“I had a nightmare?”

“I think so- you were trashing about, talking nonsense. I didn’t- I didn’t like seeing you like that.” Aaron suddenly feels stupid, “sorry if I just woke you up for no reason.”

Robert shakes his head, a sheepish smile appearing on his face “I have nightmares most nights. It’s just sometimes I seem to forget them the minute I wake up. But I can feel my pulse racing.” Robert says, grabbing his own wrist. Aaron studies him closely looking for any discomfort.

“Can I get you anything? Water?”

Robert’s frowning suddenly seeming lost in his own head.

“Rob?”

“You slept here, on the floor?” Robert is looking at him with wide eyes.

“You fell asleep. Do you remember?” He suddenly feels this crushing panic- not comfortable with the thought that Robert might not have wanted this. “I am sorry.” He whispers, trying to swallow against the massive lump forming in his throat.

“For what?” Robert asks, still looking confused.

“You probably didn’t want that- me sleeping so closely. I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable. It’s just we were chatting remember?”

“I don’t- I don’t mind it. You really slept on the floor for me?”

“Of course. You didn’t want me to leave and I wanted to stay with you so it worked out well.” Aaron smiles. “Are you alright?” he asks after a few seconds of silence, he needs to be sure.

Robert nods “thank you for being here, waking me up”. It sounds so sincere and Aaron’s heart clenches. He can’t help but reach out to grab hold of Robert’s hand.

It had been a good day, after they’d decided to watch some tv they just stayed on the couch for hours, holding each other’s hand- just being together. Liv had been out for most of the evening and when she returned- a quick glance towards them had told her enough and she’d left them to it, probably happy to see them like that again. Aaron had made them some beans on toast for dinner which Robert had laughed at but Aaron was just happy to see that Robert could enjoy it and finish it all up. After their meal and a few cups of tea later the tv shows that the both of them could manage to feign interest at were well and truly over and Aaron had switched off the tv. Sitting in silence had never been awkward for them and luckily that hadn’t changed. Eventually Robert had dozed off, falling half asleep against Aaron’s shoulder.

_“Rob.”_

_“Hmm.”_

_“You’re dozing off. Go lay down.”_

_“Aaron- please don’t go.”_

_“I’m not going anywhere remember?”_

So Aaron had stayed. They both would have fitted on the couch, they had napped on it together enough times before but Aaron hadn’t wanted to assume. The both of them sleeping on there meant that they would be really close to each other, half on top of each other really. Not sure of the boundaries and not ever wanting to make Robert uncomfortable he had gone upstairs to get some blankets. One to sleep on and one to cover himself with. He had wanted to do this for ages. Of course he had suggested it to Robert the night he had told Aaron he wanted to sleep on the couch. But Robert hadn’t wanted to hear anything about Aaron not getting a proper night’s sleep because of him. But that hadn’t stopped Aaron from checking up on Robert at least once every night.

He suddenly feels guilty. Robert said he had nightmares most evenings. How had he not noticed anything before?

“Aaron?” Robert squeezes his hand questioningly and Aaron smiles at him.

“Do you think you can sleep again?” he whispers, shaking himself out of his thoughts and fully focusing on Robert.

“Can we go upstairs?”

“What?”

“I’d like to try and sleep in our bed- with you. If that’s okay with you of course?”

Aaron opens his mouth- lost for words. “Of course, yeah. Of course I’m okay with that Rob. Are you sure though?”

“Not sure how I am going to feel about sleeping in a room again but yeah. I am sure of wanting to be there with you.”

Aaron just presses a kiss to the older man’s head in response.

*

It’s scary and he feels pathetic about the way he feels. He isn’t scared of Aaron, or of being close to him. He’s worried about his own reaction. What if he has another nightmare and ends up kicking Aaron harder than usual. What if he wakes up in a panic- or worse has a panic attack because he’s in a small room again.

“Robert? It’s okay to change your mind you know? You can sleep downstairs- I will stay with you if you want that or-“

“No. I want this, I’m just not sure how I am going to react when I wake up and not know where I am. It happened a few times when I was in my room at Vic’s. It’s why I decided to sleep downstairs here, I wanted to avoid that- especially because I didn’t want to scare you.”

Robert goes to sit down on the bed, looking at Aaron who’s standing on his own side of the bed. He’s biting his lip slightly, processing Robert’s words.

“We can leave the door open and maybe the curtains?”

“I’d like that- but the curtains?”

Aaron smiles slightly. “I am not sure but maybe it helps? If you wake up and recognize the shadows of the trees and the street lantern? You might be able to realise where you are a bit more easily?”

“I love you.” It’s the first thing that comes to Robert’s mind so he blurts it out. He’s so glad he told Aaron this earlier today- it makes it easier to say it again, over and over.

“I love you too.” Aaron grins and walks over to the door. “Wide open or just a smidgen. Whatever you want?”

“Isn’t wide open weird? Liv will think it’s weird.”

“She won’t. And I don’t care Rob- whatever makes you feel comfortable.”

“Wide open then- and see how it goes?” Robert replies and Aaron nods coming towards the bed again.

Robert suddenly notices how hard it is to keep his eyes open before remembering that it’s literally still the middle of the night. “Thank you” he whispers, it doesn’t even cover half of what he feels when it comes to Aaron’s love for him but it’s enough for now.

“Don’t be daft.” Aaron replies and it’s almost like old times.

Robert crawls under the duvet, watches Aaron do the same. They turn towards each other, smiling. Robert feels almost giddy with it and has to resist laughing at the situation, luckily Aaron seems to be feeling the same.

“I know you’re about to fall asleep but I- I never thought I’d get to have this again.” Aaron whispers.

“Me neither” Robert says smiling, squinting at Aaron.

“Aaron?”

“Yes?”

“Kiss me goodnight, please.” Despite the tiredness his body is still able to produce butterflies apparently- the nervousness suddenly pulsating through him. They hadn’t kissed yet, not properly. Robert hadn’t initiated anything because somewhere deep down he was scared that Aaron would reject him- that it was a step too far after everything he put the younger man through. Aaron hadn’t tried either- which first seemed to confirm Robert’s suspicions before he realised that Aaron probably didn’t dare to try either- scared to push Robert too far.

“What-I” Aaron’s blinking like mad, tears pooling in his eyes.

Robert feels stupid, closes his eyes against the feeling.

“Hey-“ he feels Aaron’s hand cupping his cheek. “Rob?”

Robert opens his eyes, Aaron has scooted closer to him, looking deep into his eyes searching for permission.

Robert smiles at him again, nodding slightly.

He closes his eyes, feels Aaron so close. Soft lips are pressing against his. Then the feelings gone but before Robert can open his eyes again he feels Aaron’s lips again. Robert kisses him back, it’s soft and gentle. Nothing more is needed. Robert feels Aaron touching their foreheads together before the younger man presses another kiss against his head.

“Night Rob- I’ll see you tomorrow morning. Wake me up if you need to yeah?”

Robert can only nod, feeling overwhelmed but in the best way possible. His lips are still tingling and his heart is soaring. Aaron knows- he always does. He knew Robert needed that reassurance, that reminder that Aaron is going nowhere- that he’s here for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a massive thank you to all of you who continue to support and love this fic, i really appreciate it!! i hope you are all well <3


	6. VI

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> robert opens up about life in prison and the boys get closer to getting back the domestic life they had been living before things fell apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! i know it's taken a while for me to update again, sorry about that! i hope you all like this chapter <3

Aaron wakes up realising that he will absolutely never tire from seeing Robert lying next to him. The older man is still sleeping, looking peaceful and Aaron is relieved. Robert had had a nightmare that night but didn’t fully wake from it, Aaron managing to calm him down enough just so he could fall into a deep slumber once again. Aaron looks at the time, it’s not particularly late, just gone nine. He will let Robert sleep until he wakes up naturally. He hopes the older man is up for another day on the couch, watching movies because Aaron isn’t prepared to part from Robert at all today. He’s decided to have a full day of work tomorrow, at the scrapyard- which means leaving Robert. He knows he can’t take any more time off. He’s been to the scrapyard a few times since Robert’s been back in the village, always leaving either Vic or Liv with Robert, and accounts could be done from home but Aaron knew he had to start pulling his weight again. Especially now Robert was back. It was probably weird but Aaron hadn’t really cared about earning money when Robert was gone. He did obviously go to work, bills and food had to be paid for, but he hadn’t had any desire to spent cash on anything fun really. Having Robert back had given him back the light in life that he hadn’t even properly realised he had lost, over time it had come to be normal he guessed. He also hadn’t spoken to Robert about his plans yet, having Robert bringing in money wasn’t necessary at the moment but he knew the older man had always enjoyed his work- enjoyed feeling useful. As he dares to think about their future, he watches the older man blink awake slowly.

“Morning.”

Robert smiles at him, his face glowing especially with the sun shining right across his face. They still slept with the curtains open, Aaron didn’t mind.

“Good morning” Robert mumbles, still smiling, watching Aaron’s face.

“Have you been staring at me again.”

“Of course. It’s still fairly early- you can sleep some more if you want.”

“Nah- think I’ve finally caught up what with all the sleeping I’ve been doing.” Aaron smiles at him gently, knows Robert will probably go for a nap later today.

“You had a nightmare.”

“Again? I am sorry- did I kick you. I can’t remember.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for. You didn’t wake up- I calmed you down I think.”

“Thank you.” Robert always thanked him for helping him through his nightmares, as if he ever needs to.

“It’s getting better I think” he says but when Robert doesn’t respond he panics “or not?”

“No- I think so too. I think I’ve said this before but I don’t always remember whether I had a nightmare. But I have been feeling better in the mornings, less panicked- less drained. I can’t explain.” Aaron nods understandingly. “That’s really good Rob.”

They had been sleeping together in their bed for four nights now. Aaron could have cried with happiness and relief when Robert, after his first night in their bedroom, told him that he wanted to continue sleeping there. The door has been ajar for the last three nights and Robert seems to be doing well.

“So, what do you want to do today?” Aaron asks after a few beats of silence. He sits up in bed and Robert mirrors him.

“I dunno, you have anything in mind?”

“I was thinking another day on the couch- maybe do that Disney movie marathon you keep banging on about.”

“Sounds good. It’s not like we have been spending our days in any other way lately but as long as you’re not bored with it all I am all for it.”

“Rob- as if I could ever get bored of you- or bored of spending time together.” Aaron says calmly but there’s an edge to his voice, something that can leave no doubt in Robert’s mind.

“Yeah I know that. I’ve always known.” Robert says, looking slightly pained and Aaron knows what he’s thinking about but he doesn’t want to let Robert go there- he doesn’t want to think about them having been apart for the past seven months- today needs to be a good day.

“Today needs to be good.” He didn’t mean to, but suddenly his thoughts are out in the open and Robert frowns. “Uh- is today a special day?” he asks sounding light but Aaron can tell he’s worried.

“I- just.”

“Aaron-“ Robert interrupts him, anxious now.

“Rob- it’s fine. Sorry I didn’t mean to worry you. I am being silly. It’s just- I am thinking of going back to work tomorrow.”

Robert stares at him and Aaron stares back, knows that Robert’s trying to suss out whether he’s lying.

“I though you were going to say something bad.”

“Well it is bad.”

“How is that bad?”

“Because it means leaving you. I don’t mean just going in for a couple hours. I mean a full shift.”

“Okay. That’s okay.” Robert shrugs- you’ve been off for a while now. I know you’re the boss and all but I was wondering.”

“Yeah, well that’s why I am going in tomorrow.”

“Well, we best be making the most of today then hey.” Robert says- he’s smiling and Aaron is relieved to see that the older man doesn’t seem to be taken the news badly. He smiles even more when Robert comes closer to kiss him, running his hands through his hair.

The credits are rolling and it’s good timing really, because Robert is half asleep against his shoulder. Aaron contemplates staying like this, just letting Robert have his nap against him when there’s a knock at the door. “What?” Robert mumbles bleary eyed and Aaron sighs, hopes whoever it is gets the message and goes away. But there’s another knock “we’re expecting someone?” Robert questions.

“Not that I know of” Aaron replies, feeling panicky at the thought of it being his mum. He hasn’t gotten round to telling Robert why exactly they are staying away from them, he thinks it’s because they just want to enjoy their time together- which is true of course but it’s slightly more complicated.

“Aaron, Rob! It’s me.” _Oh._ Aaron can’t help but grin, feeling relieved and Robert is smiling too. “Checking up on me again is she?” He says, while Aaron walks over to open the door.

“Hi Vic” Aaron mumbles.

“Please tell me I didn’t interrupt- eh something.”

“Uh no you didn’t.” Robert replies, looking slightly uncomfortable. Aaron gives him what he hopes is a reassuring smile- telling the older man that he doesn’t mind waiting. He’d wait forever.

“I am only here on a quick visit- Diane is with Harry and I was popping to David’s anyway” she’s rambling while holding up a plastic bag “I am not sure if you wanted any of this but it’s just some tat of yours that was still at mine. Mostly from your bedroom- well the spare room.”

“Too right, he only has one room and he shares it with me.” Aaron laughs and Robert looks all shy- he revels in it. Vic is smiling brightly as well and Aaron can tell she is relieved to see her brother like this again- to see _them_ together like that again. Aaron can relate to that.

“Thank you” Robert says, walking towards his sister to grab the bag. “You alright?” Vic asks and Robert nods- “thanks to him” he nods towards Aaron and now it’s his turn to turn all shy.

When Vic has said her goodbyes Robert moves back to the couch, the bag on his lap. “Anything you missed in there?”

“Nah it’s just clutter really, think I can spot that shower gel of mine you like so much though.” Robert grins and Aaron grins back shaking his head slightly.

“Right” Robert announces seconds later. “I think I am going upstairs for a nap. We can watch some more movies later if you’re up to it?”

“Of course.” Aaron had been expecting it. Robert had felt tired by the afternoon most days. “Do you want some company?”

“No it’s okay- I’ll let you get on with your thing.”

“You know I don’t mind.” There had been times that Aaron had kept him company, just listening to music or scrolling through his phone. “I am fine honestly.” Robert says, giving him a quick kiss- Aaron closes his eyes, holding onto him tightly.

“Love you.” Aaron mumbles and Robert blinks at him gently “I love you too. You okay?” And Aaron’s heart just bursts at Robert’s concerned expression, watches him search his face. “I am all good. Just having a good day you know, it feels- normal.”

“Yeah- I know what you mean. I like the feeling.”

“Me too.” They just stare at each other for a few seconds and Aaron decides that this is all he wants and he knows that they are so close to getting exactly this forever.

Aaron has been staring at his laptop screen for about twenty minutes, trying to get a grasp on all his planned scrap runs for the week now he’s going back to work. He thinks about how weird it’s going to be not spending the whole day with Robert anymore, but Aaron’s not going to complain because not so long ago he couldn’t see or even speak to Robert at all. Sometimes it feels like it still hasn’t completely sunk in, that Robert’s really back where he belongs, other days it feels like he’s never left. A knock on the door startles him out of his thoughts. He can’t resist rolling his eyes before getting up anyway- not wanting to risk waking up Robert.

“I know, I know- I’m sorry I just thought it made sense to drop this off as well while I am at it.” Vic blurts out before Aaron can say anything at all. She is holding out a little red notebook. “What’s that?”

“I forgot to put it in with the other stuff- left it on the bedside table of the spare room.” Vic says, not answering his question in the slightest.

“Is it Robert’s?” He asks, taking it from Vic. When she confirms it is, Aaron feels his mood drop straight away, he tells himself to stay calm. “From prison?” he asks voice shaky and Vic nods again. Aaron knows it had to be really- why would any of Robert’s stuff be at Vic’s from before he went to prison. “Right. Have you read it?”

“Should I have read it?” Vic replies gently. Aaron shrugs- “I don’t know.”

“Just give it to him hey.” Vic says, touching Aaron’s arm, clearly realising how anxious he is.

“What if it’s bad. Like a diary?”

“A diary doesn’t have to be bad.”

“It is when you’re writing it in prison I’d think.” Vic looks down at that, sighing.

“Maybe it’s just blank pages?”

Aaron nods, trying to believe it. “Or its Robert writing a book” she continues and Aaron can’t help but smile at that, somehow that seems more believable.

It’s not right to open it, Aaron knows that. The notebook has one of those strap things on it. It makes snooping in it less effortless, less justifiably.

“Just put it in the bag” Vic suggests, a questioning look on her face.

“He’ll know.” Vic nods at that. “Hey don’t look so worried. Whatever it is- he’s here yeah? And he’s doing so well. He’s a far cry from the man who turned up at my doorstep about two weeks ago.” Aaron nods, blinking quickly. He feels this stab in his heart anytime he thinks about Robert making his way back to Emmerdale all on his own- because he thought he had no one.

“I know. He’s- he’s doing really well.”

“Mostly because of you eh.” Vic smiles before launching herself at him, hugging him tightly.

“Thanks Vic. I’ll text you later, for an update or whatever.”

“Yeah I’d like that- although I know he’s in good hands with you, always.”

*

Robert comes down about half an hour later, wearing Aaron’s hoodie. He’s been wearing Aaron’s clothes a lot recently, come to think of it- it’s all he has worn really. The younger man’s hoodies are soft and comfortable, they make him feel safe. Sometimes he even grabs one that’s already in the washing basket- just so he can be reminded of the fact that he’s really home at all times.

Aaron is sitting on the couch, legs on the coffee table. Robert is about to join him when he sees it, the notebook. It makes him feeling panicked. He didn’t see it in the bag Victoria brought? Why does Aaron have it?

“Hiya, had a good sleep?”

“Uh yeah I-“ Robert fidgets, then decides to just ask “Aaron? Where did you get that?” He looks at the notebook and Aaron follows his eyes to where the notebook is laying on the table.

“Uh Vic brought it round while you were sleeping, she’d forgotten to put it with the rest of your stuff.” Aaron looks slightly uncomfortable and Robert thinks quickly, trying to remember exactly what’s in it, what he might have seen.

“I haven’t looked in it if that’s what you’re thinking. It didn’t seem right. Vic didn’t either.”

Robert can’t help but sigh with relief but Aaron is still looking scared and he wants to stop it.

“I know what you’re thinking. Like it’s a diary or something. It’s not, well not exactly.” Robert sits down next to the younger man, giving his hand a quick squeeze before continuing.

“I used it for drawings. There isn’t much choice of stationary in the canteen so this had to make do. I drew with a normal pen. It’s quite ugly really but yeah that’s what it is. I drew whatever I was feeling if that makes sense, sometimes I would just doodle for a bit, just so my hands were busy and I could try and empty my brain a bit.” Robert shrugs, he feels a little sick looking at the notebook that’s now tightly held in Aaron’s hands, he saw it in his cell every day, it takes him back to the lonely days but he’s also aware that he’s sitting next to Aaron- that it’s over.

“Are you okay?”

“Honestly- I am fine.” He gently takes it from Aaron and opens it up. His hands are shaking slightly but he just wants to give Aaron an idea of what he means. He feels safe and brave enough to get into his head a bit- so he can tell the younger man a bit more about his experience in prison.

“Like I said, it’s really not my best work.” He laughs lightly “this is supposed to be me.” He says pausing on a page that shows a man staring out of a window. “And this is us” he quickly scans the page to see if there are any signs of tears on the page but he doesn’t see any. “I drew this when I was feeling very down and lonely so I am not sure if it actually helped drawing all of you but I do like this one.” He’s drawn the four of them on the couch, Aaron, Liv, Seb and himself.

“I don’t know what to say.” Aaron’s voice is barely there and Robert just squeezes his hand in reassurance.

“You don’t have to say anything.”

“It’s actually not bad you know. Didn’t know you were good at drawing.”

“Give over.”

“No, honestly. You should do it more, if you want to of course.”

Robert smiles “well thank you. Here.” He closes the notebook, handing it over to the younger man. “You can look through it, I don’t mind. I’ll make us a brew yeah?”

“You sure?” Aaron asks, taking the notebook from him.

“Yeah.” Robert says as he kisses Aaron’s head.

  
Robert watches Aaron while he makes the teas. He can just about make out what drawings Aaron is seeing. “Rob, these are honestly really good.”

Robert shakes his head slightly, letting out a laugh. “You keep saying that.”

“Well it’s true.” As Robert puts their mugs on the table and sits down again, Aaron shows him his drawing of the woolpack.

“It was a good distraction I guess. I read quite a bit too, but drawing- it made me want to really try you know? Make it look the best it possibly could.” He watches Aaron nod, he looks less sad about it all now and Robert is relieved. “I drew whatever I missed or something that could somehow express my feelings at the moment.”

“We’ll keep it somewhere, if you want to? But if you don’t want it as a reminder I understand as well.”

“No- I would like to keep it, I think. I kept in a draw in the bedroom when I was at Vic’s. It’s where she must have found it.”

They sit in silence for a bit, sipping their teas. Robert realises how much better he feels after opening up a bit about stuff. He watches how Aaron’s expression suddenly turns troubled and frowns.

“Aaron?”

“Sorry I was just thinking about something you said.”

“Care to share?”

“About reading. What did you read? It’s just- you moved prisons without any of us knowing. You didn’t have much stuff even in Hotton. Sorry- I was just wondering.”

Robert gulps around the painful lump in his throat. He thinks back to when he had given himself up- how one of the officers had told him his husband had dropped off some stuff- all he really needed at that moment. The same stuff he took away with him to the Isle of Wight. “You’re right. I took the books you dropped off for me- the one I was reading at the time and two others. But I had access to a library. I reread the books you gave me over and over again though. Made me feel close to you.”

“Robert-“

“It’s okay. Eh- it’s a good thing that out of the two of us I got the longer sentence, at least I read.” He grins, hopes that Aaron will match it.

“Oi, I read! But I’m glad you had your books I really am. I missed seeing you read so much though, I also missed falling asleep to you reading to me, even if I am clueless about the plot.”

“Well- you don’t have to miss it any longer.” Robert has the urge to finish the sentence with _Mr Sugden_ but he can’t- it will just remind Aaron of those awful divorce papers, he pushes the thought away.

“I like the sound of that” Aaron smiles.

*

Aaron is watching Robert in his element. He’s perched on the kitchen stool watching the older man cook. It’s the first time since he’s been back that Robert has felt like cooking again properly, making something from scratch. Aaron watches him skilfully prepare whatever it is he’s making. Aaron doesn’t even know, he’s just content watching.

“I did this in prison you know?”

“Eh?

“Cook.” Robert responds, leaning against the kitchen counter looking at him.

“As a job?” Aaron watches Robert nod. “Rob- that’s great.” Aaron knows how much the older man enjoys cooking so it fills him with an unexplainable feeling of joy that he didn’t have to lose that hobby completely.

Robert matches the big grin he knows is on his face. “It’s nothing special but yeah. Not for the first three months though- but by the end of January I decided I wanted to feel useful and I knew there was a job going. Plus I was a good prisoner of course, so I was allowed to work.”

“Of course. But I am really proud of you for doing that you know? Taking the opportunities you had, however little so you could make things a bit easier for yourself.” Aaron says, knows just how much Robert hates feeling useless

Robert smiles at him bashfully but beautifully. He walks over to Aaron, putting his hands on his waist. “You’re the perfect height like this.” Robert grins leaning in for a quick peck.

“Shut up you.”

Robert had gone upstairs a while ago now and Aaron has started to fidget. He doesn’t want to make Robert feel like he’s checking up on him or anything but he isn’t sure what’s taking the older man so long. He had gone up for a shower, had taken the stuff Vic brought with him.

“You okay?” Liv shocks him out of his thoughts, she staring over at him from the couch.

“Yeah yeah I am fine.” She nods, then frowns. “Where’s Robert I thought we were watching a film.” It was after tea and after both Aaron and Liv had showered Robert with compliments about his cooking, he and Liv had done the clearing up.

“Yeah we are.” It’s as good an excuse as anything “I’ll go up, see what’s taking him this long.”

The door of their bedroom is ajar and Aaron gently pushes it open. Robert is sitting cross legged on his side of the bed.

“Robert? You alright?” He asks, the light feeling he’s been carrying all day slowly draining out of him.

“Sorry-“ Robert looks at him “I know I’ve been ages. I went through some of my stuff.” Aaron takes his eyes off Robert for a second to look around the room. The bag that Robert had brought with him when he moved and had left untouched for ages was now crumpled up in the corner of the room. He also saw the familiar books on Robert’s bedside table.

“Oh right.” He bites at his lips not knowing what to say.

“There wasn’t much to unpack- I put my clothes in the- our wardrobe. I hope that’s okay.”

Aaron can’t help but tut. “Of course it is.” He finally moves from his spot by the door, decides to take a risk. He walks over to their bed and slides behind Robert, rests his head on the older man’s shoulder, hands gently touching his waist. He can’t help but melt with relief and love when Robert leans into his touch. It’s only then that he notices the photos clutched in Robert’s hands. Devastation slams into him when he realises that Robert must have had them with him in prison.

“God Rob- are those?”

Robert sniffs, nods and then drops them in his lap and grabs Aaron’s hands to get them round his stomach. Aaron wants to say something but before he can even come up with something, Robert starts speaking. “They were in my bag. I had them up in my cell- both cells actually.”

Aaron can’t help but gasp, watches Robert pick up the photos again so he can see which ones are there. “Robert fuck- that’s from our wedding. I-“ he gulps, can’t speak properly. The both of them stare at one of their wedding photos, the one where they are holding Seb, the one with the floral background that Aaron had rolled his eyes at.

“You had these up?” Aaron doesn’t know whether he wants to shake Robert or wrap him up in his arms even tighter and never let him go. Robert just nods and Aaron shakes his head trying to wrap his head around Robert’s bravery, and stupidity.

“I had a cell for myself.” Robert says, knowing exactly what Aaron’s thinking.

“Still? It’s dangerous.”

“I needed it Aaron.” Aaron mouths shuts abruptly, biting down on his lip. “It helped me, gave me something to smile about.” Aaron presses his face down against Robert’s shoulder, trying to hide from the pain he feels at Robert’s admission. Seconds later he lifts it again, drops a kiss on Robert’s shoulder. The older man shifts in his arms and Aaron untangles his arms. Robert moves so that he’s facing him and reaches out a hand to his face. “It’s ok. I am fine aren’t I?”

Aaron sniffs, shaking his head, still in shock. “You’re so brave Robert. After everything you’ve been through- you had our wedding picture up in your cell eh.” He lets out a little laugh and Robert smiles at him. “It’s because of everything I and we have been through. I wanted to be able to see the photos all the time, not having to uncover them from a hiding place constantly. I don’t know, I can’t explain it. It made me feel stronger. I didn’t want to hide the life we had and seeing all your faces reminded me of why I did what I did.”

“Like I said, so brave.”

“Says you.”

“No but really Robert. You also wanted to hold my hand, that day, for everyone to see. I know it was because you were saying goodbye and-“ he has to look down when he says that, the memory of it never failing to make him feel sick, sees that Robert’s doing the same. “I love you so much. I would have never forgotten.” They had already spoken about Robert’s fear of exactly that happening, but Aaron was again taking the opportunity to make Robert see, make sure he was never going to think otherwise. “I love you too.” Robert leans forward so their foreheads are touching. “So much.”

Aaron wants to stay in this bubble of safety forever, relish in the fact that this man is really his to keep. It’s Robert who moves away first. “Oh my god, Liv. Is she still waiting for us saps to come downstairs?”

“Oh shit.” Aaron laughs, “you’re still up for it?”

“Course I am. Honestly I am good, I promise. Thank you for coming to find me.” Robert says, presses his forehead against Aaron’s again.

“Always.”

*

Aaron comes out of the bathroom when he is drawing the curtains shut.

“You sure about that?” the younger man asks as he goes to sit on the bed.

“I think so, yeah” Robert turns around to face him and Aaron is smiling encouragingly.

“I am not sure if I should go to work tomorrow.”

“What? Because of me?”

“It doesn’t feel right Rob.”

“No don’t be daft, I’ll be fine I promise ya. And otherwise I will ring you.” Robert says, praying that the younger man will listen to him. He crawls under the duvet as he watches Aaron contemplate this.

“Hmm you won’t” Robert can’t help but laugh a little at that, knowing that Aaron probably isn’t wrong.

“No- well what if I promise you that I honestly will call you when I’m not doing well. I’ll be fine, really. You’re not far are you. Aaron please, I don’t want to keep holding you back.”

“Oi. You don’t and never have done. Look at me.” Robert does and Aaron holds at his face for a few seconds and then says “right so I will go tomorrow, but I’ll have to set my alarm.” He’s looking at him pointedly and Robert shrugs his shoulders at him, not knowing what he’s getting at.

“The sound. Ever since you started sleeping here again I turned it off- just let us sleep till whatever hour. I didn’t want it to shock you awake or something.” He looks shy now and Robert heart bursts, in all honestly he hadn’t even realised because they had been waking up early anyway, early enough to hear Liv go to college or even see her off. Aaron’s thoughtfulness never failed to make him feel the most loved man in the world.

“That’s so- thoughtful Aaron. But a bit of ringing is a lot better than slamming prison doors and heavy sets of keys eh” he says lightly.

“Robert” Aaron tuts “don’t joke about that.”

“It’s true though. So c’mon lazybones, set your alarm and don’t be too jealous when I get to sleep longer.” He grins as he watches Aaron role his eyes at him lovingly.

They’ve let the silence settle around them for a bit, nightlamps still on when Aaron speaks “you want to read for a bit- to me even?” Robert turns his head to look at him and melts a bit at Aaron’s almost hopeful expression. “Or not” Aaron’s face falls a little and Robert realises that he hasn’t answered him yet, that he’s just been staring at the younger man.

“I want to but I- I haven’t read since I’ve come home. I am almost worried that it’s now something I associate with that place, because it was one of the only things I could do there that I enjoyed. I don’t know if that makes sense.”

Aaron’s eyes widen but he nods his head, seeming to understand. “What about you read something that you’ve never read before, or haven’t for a long time. Some books from in there?” He nods towards the bookcase they have in their bedroom. “This is not me pushing you or anything. I just don’t want you to lose one of your hobbies because of that place. But you don’t have to, or you can just leave it for a bit longer.” Aaron is biting his lip, looking worried again.

Robert smiles at him reassuringly, reaching out to touch the younger man’s cheek. “I’d like that.”

Aaron smiles wide and bright at that and Robert gets out of bed to grab one of the books.

“Now” he says as he props up his pillow and then gestures for Aaron to lay his head on his chest.

“Don’t go falling asleep before I have at least read up to five pages.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't know much about life in prison, so i might have taken some liberties there (again). i also remembered the other day that cain moved in with aaron, obviously this is not the case in this fic.
> 
> anyways as always, thank you to everyone who's left me comments on this fic, i really appreciate it!  
> thank you for reading, and i hope you're all well and staying safe <3


	7. VII

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> aaron goes to work, robert is left alone and chas wants to make things right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> helloo! i promise i haven't forgotten about this fic. i am very sorry about this update taking so long but finishing this year of uni took a lot of my time! now i have some more free time again, updates will hopefully be much quicker! i hope you enjoy this chapter <3
> 
> (flashbacks in italics)

He feels unsettled driving to the scrapyard. The last time he was there he was still heartbroken, empty, working in a zombie like state trying very hard to forget that he was most likely never going to see his (ex)husband again.

He hadn’t wanted to leave Robert this morning but he knew he had to go back at some point and if he powered through a whole shift today he could grant himself some flexibility again for the rest of the week which basically translates to taking the rest of the week off really. The thing was that he didn’t want to be anywhere else than at home with Robert, making sure that he was alright. It hadn’t been long since Robert had come back and even though they had come far in the past two weeks they were far from being back to normal, especially Robert. There was still so much to talk about, although Aaron was grateful for everything that Robert had told him about his experience. Aaron still had so many questions though, ones that he hadn’t felt ready to ask yet because he wanted Robert to tell him stuff on his own accord, make sure that whatever the older man told him was because he felt ready to.

Robert had woken up when Aaron had checked on him again just before he left. His husband smiling sleepily at him had reassured Aaron that it would be okay. He didn’t want Robert to think that he didn’t trust him to cope, that he saw him as weak. Robert was anything but.

_“Sorry didn’t mean to wake ya. Brought you a coffee, probably needs warming up by the time you decide to get up but I just wanted- I don’t know.” Aaron smiles bashfully, watching Robert blink away the sleep._

_“Soft- thank you.”_

_“You’re gonna be alright?” Aaron asks, the concern in his voice clearly audible._

_“Course. I’m fine, now go so I can get back to sleep.”_

_“Cheeky. Right Liv’s gone to college already so you’ll have the place to yourself. You know you can call me whenever yeah?”_

_“You only told me about a 100 times.”_

_“I know but I just need you to know.”_

_“And don’t you dare come and check up on me at lunchtime.”_

_“Eh? But I thought- we always have lunch together, well used to.” Aaron trails off._

_“Yeah but I’m not working am I?”_

_“One of us working from home didn’t ever stop us having lunch together did it?” Aaron reasons, not letting it lie._

_“No you’re right but I just want you to have a normal day. You’ve been stuck inside with me for a while now. Just have lunch with Ellis at the pub or something.”_

_“Rob-“ Aaron couldn’t stop his voice from shaking, tears already pooling in his eyes. “You’d tell me if there was something wrong wouldn’t you?”_

_“Yes I would, now go-“_

_Aaron sighs before wrapping him arms around Robert. “I’ll miss ya.”_

_Robert sags into him a bit, mumbling “I’ll miss ya too, but it’s just for a few hours, nothing compared to-“_

_“You’re right.” Aaron sighs, cutting him off. He knows exactly what Robert was going to say and it’s enough to make him feel ill. He quickly presses a kiss to the older man’s forehead before leaving the room. Staying just a second longer would have ended with him not leaving at all._

Aaron turns off the engine, he can see Ellis inside the cabin and suddenly feels exhausted. He’s not sure whether he can muster up the energy to act normal. Not that he really knows what that means anyway. Ellis hasn’t seen him acting normal for months now, he’ll be used to it. Since Robert’s been back, Aaron has not been around anyone who isn’t him for longer than an hour. He thinks about what Robert said this morning and curses as he realises that he didn’t really reassure Robert. It’s true that they had been spending most of their time together, at the mill but Aaron didn’t want anything else. Robert hadn’t stopped him from going out or hanging out with other people besides him, he just hadn’t wanted to. And it wasn’t as if it had ever been different was it? It wasn’t often that they would have picked any sort of outing, any sort of event including other people over a night in at the Mill, over it just being the two of them. Aaron smiles a little at his thoughts as he pulls out his phone.

_As if I would ever pick anyone’s company over yours. I don’t mind being stuck inside forever as long as it’s with you. I’ll see you at lunch, no excuses. I love you xxx (09:13)_

*  
  


Robert feels restless, mentally that is. Physically he doesn’t feel like doing anything other than stare at the wall. Being able to fall asleep again since Aaron’s left seems impossible, despite him teasing the younger man about being able to get a few more hours than him. It doesn’t come as a surprise of course, ever since prison- sleep wasn’t easy for him at the best of times and knowing that Aaron had gone and he was alone in the house had made falling asleep again practically impossible.

He contemplates picking up the book he had been reading to Aaron last night when he catches sight of the coffee Aaron has left for him or rather the mug, _that_ mug. It reminds him of Aaron telling him that they’re still husbands, despite what happened. Robert’s vision gets blurry as he thinks about it all, how he sent Aaron fucking _divorce papers,_ Aaron signing them because he thought Robert had given up, and he had hadn’t he? Robert wipes at his face and feels so undeserving of being here, it makes his throat close up and his mind go blank. It’s a muffled ping that seems to somewhat lift the fog that has clouded his mind. It takes him about five seconds to fully realise what it is, and what it means. He opens the draw of his bedside table and tries to remember how his phone got there. He hasn’t seen it for seven months, obviously couldn’t have it with him inside. Was his phone one of the things that Aaron hadn’t given to Vic? Had it always been in here? Robert can’t imagine the battery lasting this long even if nobody had used it in ages, it must have been turned off right? He thinks of Aaron turning on his phone knowing he would want to contact him and it makes him feel warm and _seen._ He’s about to close the drawer again before he realises he hasn’t actually checked his phone.

It’s weird Robert thinks, how quickly people can adapt to new situations. His phone feels heavy in his hand. He hadn’t even missed it since he got back, hadn’t even asked for it. He feels a tear trickle down his face at the familiarity of it all although it’s exactly that that also makes him feel sick to his stomach. All their texts are still there, the date of their last conversation making him gasp for breath, hot tears now running down his cheeks. The emoji next to Aaron’s name, the one of the two men holding hands, the one that Aaron had scoffed at him for still there as if nothing had happened. As if they hadn’t spent seven months apart- almost as long as their longest breakup. Robert stops himself from scrolling though all his texts, knows that it will only have him sinking even deeper into this sadness. It will remind him of a time that the both of them were so oblivious to what was going to happen, how they were going to lose each other. As much as he loved the mill, the house he built for them- it reminded him enough already of a time where he thought that he had it all.

He finally lets his eyes wander to Aaron’s most recent text, it makes him smile, gives him the strength he needs to put his phone back in the draw and go downstairs, mug in hand. Not before he sends his first text in seven months though. _I love you, so much xxx (09:22)_

It’s not easy though, actively avoiding drowning in your own thoughts. That damn mug doesn’t help either. It’s the word _husband,_ Robert thinks, it’s the word that reminds Robert of his betrayal like nothing else. As he sips his coffee he realises how used he is to not doing anything. Before, if he was on his own he would have scrolled through his phone, read the paper or a book now he’s content enough to just stare into space- his mind processing about a million thoughts one minute, a state of numbness the next.

He misses Aaron and that in itself makes him feel selfish. Aaron had constantly tried to make him feel less guilty and now there was no- one to notice that Robert’s guilt was eating him alive once again. He misses his reassuring and loving touches, the way he makes him smile and makes the memories and guilt less difficult to cope with. His eyes drift through the living room, _their_ living room. He walks over to the photos on the mantelpiece, the one with the both of them smiling while feeding Seb staring him in the face. He misses Seb so much but he’s told himself he isn’t ready yet. His moods are all over the place- he doesn’t want to risk crying in front of Seb, or having a breakdown while he’s with him. And he’s so scared that the little boy won’t recognize him, despite Aaron telling him that he’s asked for him.

It’s 10 o’clock. Robert’s suddenly relieved that Aaron will be coming home for lunch despite telling him not to. He thought that he could do with some space, considering he had months of being on his own with just his thoughts for company and suddenly he was surrounded by people again- people he loved, but he was wrong. He misses how the younger man always manages to ground him, how he is a reminder of how good life can really be. What he told Aaron, that he doesn’t want to hold him back- make him look after him all the time, it wasn’t a lie. Deep down he knows that the two of them being together had always been enough for Aaron but it’s been keeping him awake lately. Because as far as Robert is aware, Aaron hasn’t seen Chas and Paddy since he moved back in and Robert hadn’t wanted to make things awkward for him, hadn’t wanted to force Aaron to tell him how much they hate him. Robert had never wanted Aaron to have to choose between him and his family. Robert was embarrassed to realise that he had actually missed Aaron’s family, _his_ family- if he could still call them that. He would like to see them again but they clearly didn’t feel the same and Robert couldn’t blame them. Aaron had told shown him pictures of his new baby sister though, Robert’s heart melting at the ones where Aaron was holding Eve.

Robert sighed, head in his hands. It was happening again, he was letting everyone down and he knew it. He had hardly spoken to Vic since he moved back in with Aaron, had almost immediately disappeared from Harry’s life again just days after he’d met him. He hadn’t seen any of Aaron’s family, hadn’t even met his new sister and even though he had been back for over two weeks he hadn’t even seen his own son. And Liv, Liv still tiptoes around him- clearly not sure whether she can go back to a normal where they make jokes and tease each other. As all these realisations are hitting him he realises that no, he hadn’t needed space at all- too many overwhelming thoughts came with that.

He isn’t sure how long he stays like that but when he lifts his head again he’s made a decision.

The shower has made him feel better although his own clothes feel uncomfortable after so long, they are slightly loose as well but they will have to do for now. He sets about preparing lunch for him and Aaron. It’s all part of his plan to prove himself, show Aaron that things can get back to normal and that he is ready to show Chas that he is worthy of her son.

They need to do a food shop, he realises as he lays everything out on the kitchen counter- ever since he gotten back Aaron or Liv had popped out to get whatever they had run out of. He hadn’t braved going to David’s yet or Tesco’s for that matter- another thing that that had been so normal for him a while back but seemed extremely out of his comfort zone now. Aaron won’t be back for at least an hour but he needs to do something, can’t just let himself sit on the couch uselessly. His hands are shaking slightly as he sets the table for lunch, he wants it to be perfect- well as perfect as a thrown together lunch can possibly be.

He expects it to be Vic, when there is a knock on the door. It’s not.

“Oh I didn’t expect you to open the door.” It’s not said nastily necessarily, but Robert can’t help but wince.

“Chas-“

“You’re going to let me in then?”

“Yeah, yeah of course-“ Robert stammers, feeling unprepared for whatever’s to come.

“So how are you- you look well, relatively speaking.”

“Uh thanks I guess.” Robert frowns, still unsure of what to do. “Sit down” he gestures vaguely, the realisation that this is his chance to start making things right kicking in.

“This looks nice.” Chas says as Robert watches her walk over to the kitchen table.

“Aaron’s not here, he’s at work.” He says as he perches himself on the arm of the couch.

“Oh” Robert doesn’t dare look at her, doesn’t want to see the disappointment on her face that’s become all too familiar to him in all the years he’s known her.

“Robert- love.” His head snaps up, not sure if he’s heard right.

“You know I haven’t come here to have a go at you right?”

“No you’ve come to see Aaron.”

“Well yeah- to see you both actually.”

“I am sorry Aaron hasn’t seen you in a while. I promise I didn’t tell him to I just-“

“Rob- come here. I don’t bite.” Robert feels his heart give way a bit at her motherly tone and tells himself that maybe it’s not that bad. She didn’t seem to hate him before he left- before he hurt Aaron, _again._

“Robert” she starts “do you remember our chats?”

“Which ones?”

“All of them” she laughs and Robert smiles a little.

Her motherly concern is rising to the surface as she watches him. He looks thinner and wary and she hates how that’s partly because of her presence. When he’s finally sitting next to her at the table she starts speaking. “I am mostly talking about our chats before you left. When you were so worried about how Aaron would cope, how you were getting yourself into more trouble just because you wanted to make sure your family had enough money when you were gone.” Robert makes himself even smaller and she realises how he probably hates talking about the months before he left, what sort of memories and feelings that must bring back. “I saw it then and I’ve always seen it- the way you care about my boy. God Robert when he came to tell me you two were going on the run I was so angry, more angry at him even for making that decision. And when I got him back I didn’t forget for one minute that that was because you gave yourself up.” She can’t help but cover his hand with her own, holds it there. “It was probably not what I wanted for him but I really believed you were going to make it work.”

“So did I-“ Robert’s says, voice just above a whisper. She waits for him to say more but he doesn’t.

“He told us about that visit- how you kept holding on to him.” Robert visibly gulps, sadness clearly washing over him.

“I didn’t mean to upset you love.”

She watches him make a vague hand gesture clearly trying to tell her he’s ok.

“I know he’s not seen much of you lately. He’s been here with me I-“

“I don’t think he wants you around us, well mostly me.”

“Eh?”

“You didn’t know?”

Robert frowns, “I thought you just didn’t want to see me. And I didn’t want to bring it up with Aaron because it’d be awkward.”

“He’s warned us off and I guess I can’t really blame him.”

“Chas?”

“I’ve just seen Aaron, at work- I knew he wasn’t here. And I think you two still have a lot to talk about- and don’t look so worried Rob, that boy loves the bones of ya.” When Robert nods at her she continues.

“When you came back and gotten back with Aaron- he said he just wanted to be with you for a while.” She sighs, squeezes Robert’s hand a little. “When you had cut off contact I didn’t mince my words about you to Aaron- I told him you had caused him enough grief and that he needed to move on. He had only just realised you had been moved and I wanted to make him see that there was nothing he could do- that wasn’t really fair because I knew that I got to keep my boy because of you. Aaron didn’t really cope after you’d left, as you can imagine but I am sure he’s told you about this. After he’d gotten himself together a bit more, and he got to see Seb again he kind of stayed away from me because he didn’t want me to badmouth you whenever he was upset. He held on to the things I said about you because he started to realise that you never really gave up on him but thought you were setting him free. So when you got back he didn’t want me around you, didn’t want me telling ya those things that I told him. He’s protective.”

“I know.” Robert feels incredibly overwhelmed, he wants nothing more than to have Aaron next to him. “I- why are you telling me this.”

“Because I know Aaron is worried about you- and your state of mind. I needed to make sure that you realised that I don’t hate ya, Paddy doesn’t either and maybe you wouldn’t believe Aaron when he would tell you this himself.”

“You want Aaron to come to the pub again.” Robert says, maybe a little bitterly.

“No, I want you both to come round but not until ya ready love. I just want you to know that you’re welcome.”

“You don’t hate me?”

“Oh Rob, you and Aaron have been through so much and there’s been a lot of tears but I have always known that you love Aaron, would do anything for him and I should have tried to help Aaron move on without saying some of the stuff that I did. Aaron is worried about you- but I have also seen how happy he is now he’s got you back. I saw it today and I saw it when he came to tell us that you were moving back in. Even if it’s one thing after another with you two, I could never try keeping you apart. I’ve tried before remember? It doesn’t work. Yes you hurt Aaron by cutting him off but I know you probably hurt yourself even more. I get that now. The way you sacrificed everything- for your family to live a normal life, I can’t imagine what you’ve been through Robert.”

“It was stupid.”

“Maybe, but look where you are now- back where you belong. I wanted the best for Aaron when you were gone, but I also want the best for him now. And that’s you and him, together.”

“Even though I hurt him?” Chas sighs, “yeah because I get why- Aaron gets why. Try to forgive yourself Robert. That scumbag- you should have never even been in there in the first place. But I need you and Aaron to take this lifeline and be happy.”

Chas can tell how overwhelmed Robert is. “Are you ok Rob?”

“I am fine.” Robert says, hardly bothering to sound convincing.

Chas clearly hesitates before she says “when you were all over the place- trying to make sure everything was organised before you went to prison, Aaron told me how worried he was that you were going to have a bad experience, like him.” Robert nods, a sick feeling emerging once again as he tries to blink away tears. “I know Aaron feels guilty thinking he didn’t try hard enough but I know I didn’t make it easy for him. I told him back then, that we had to make sure that the same wouldn’t happen to you and I didn’t try and help ya.”

“It was still different then though Chas- I know that. Lee- he wasn’t dead. I don’t blame Aaron- he knows that him moving on, not waiting around for me was exactly my plan, stupid or not. I don’t blame you either. I did what I did because I knew he would have his family to help him cope.”

Chas nods wiping at her eyes. “You’re back now Rob. He’s your family and so are we. “You’re welcome at the pub anytime. I mean it.” She adds when Robert still looks doubtful. “Everyone’s been asking after you especially Sam and Lydia and don’t forget Charity!”

Robert can’t help but grin a little at that. As he shrugs he says “I haven’t seen much of anyone really, not even Diane.”

“Another person who’s worried about ya Rob. Try and let people in eh.”

“I’ll try. Aaron’s been amazing though.”

“Good, and oh I know.” She laughs as she thinks about how protective her son can get when it comes to Robert. “Oh and Robert? Eve would love to meet you at some point.”

Robert smiles widely at that “I’d like to meet her too.”

“I’ll tell her you be round soon then shall I?” and Robert nods.

*

_“Uh Aaron- is that your mum?”_

_Both him and Ellis are in the cabin- already sipping a brew about an hour into the shift. Aaron can’t stop himself from checking his phone about every five minutes, making sure he doesn’t miss a text or call from Robert. The older man’s reply to his text earlier had made him smile so wide that it didn’t escape Ellis’ attention._

_“I’m happy for ya mate. Everyone knows you two belong together. It’s nice seeing you smile like that again.”_

_“Like what?”_

_“Like you’re texting Robert.”_

_Aaron had forgotten how much strength he could draw from a simple text from Robert, how it could see him through whatever really._

_It doesn’t feel real that Aaron can get off for lunch in a few hours and actually see Robert instead of drowning in sadness at the fact that all the mundane things he used to do with his husband are taken from him._

_He’s lost in his head when Ellis points out that yes indeed his mum is here. He feels anger bubbling to the surface already at the thought of her seeking him out now he’s not with Robert- doesn’t even know how she knows he’d be here today._

_“Morning boys.”_

_“Morning Chas.”_

_“Mum, what are you doing here?”_

_Ellis raises his eyebrow, noticing the tension. “Uh, I’ll just go and make a start on the next car yeah?”_

_Aaron watches his mate hurry out of the cabin and sighs, sits himself down in one of the chairs as his mum perches on a desk._

_“Is this Robert’s desk?” Aaron’s heart drops at the mention of Robert’s name before he remembers that said Robert is not far away from him anymore and never will be again. It makes him realise that he’s far from used to that._

_He’s so taken aback by the question that he stammers over his words “uh yeah, well mine now but I guess not for long anymore.” Aaron hopes that either Jimmy or Nicole don’t come barging in soon, at least not before whatever this is, is over._

_“Mum, what are you doing here?” he’s asking again because his mum still hasn’t answered that particular question._

_“Liv told me you’re working.” And that explains that._

_“She was on her way to the bus and I just asked how you were all doing. She told me in passing.”_

_“And you just thought- great Robert’s not around so I can talk to Aaron.”_

_“You know I would have just come to the mill if you hadn’t given me orders to stay away.”_

_“I wouldn’t have had to if I-“_

_“If what Aaron- if you didn’t think I’d have a go at Robert. I wasn’t planning on doing that you know?” And Aaron just frowns at his mum._

_“You’re not happy about me and ‘im being back together.”_

_“I wasn’t at first no. I thought it was too hasty but love- I quickly realised that there is no way to keep you two apart. And I saw how happy you were.”_

_“Right.”_

_“Aaron- don’t be like that.”_

_“Mum. I am not stupid I know you said all that stuff back then because you wanted me to be ok but you said stuff like Robert having caused me enough grief. And it wasn’t fair. I was angry too, god you know that and Robert knows that too but we were- are his family too.”_

_“But you’re my son.”_

_“Yeah but Robert has proven over and over again that he loves me. And what he did? It was the ultimate sacrifice, for me mum. For me so I could stay here and you know what I hate it.”_

_“Aaron-“_

_“No- mum. Because you and Paddy- you treated Robert and what we had- as if it was nothing. As if it was something to just get over. How was any of that ever going to help me move on if you didn’t even acknowledge what he meant to me in the first place. You knew I was worried about him- I told you way before we knew that he’d be going down for that long.” Aaron was crying now, all that pain flooding back. “I get that you meant well- but I just wish you had let me grieve on my own terms, by not trying to erase him the minute he had cut me off.”_

_“And I get that now, I promise.” She says as she crouches in front of him, hand on his knee._

_“But do you? Really?” he sniffs, wiping at his face angrily._

_“Yes I do. I am so sorry that I didn’t acknowledge your loss the way I should have done. I get that dismissing Robert like that was wrong. But I know you love him, god I’ve seen it every day for the last four years. I’m sorry love I really am.”_

_Aaron covers her hand with his. “I love him so so much. He means everything to me.” He suddenly starts sobbing and concern flashes across his mother’s face._

_“Aaron?”_

_“I haven’t told him everything yet mum. About how I- slept with others.” His mum sighs and looks at him questioningly “no- I have to tell him. There’s no way I am keeping that from him, I can’t even if I wanted to and I don’t.”_

_“He’ll understand.”_

_“I feel so guilty, while he had lost everything I just went around sleeping with other lads instead of trying to make him see sense.”_

_“And you know why you did that.”_

_“Not just because you-“_

_“No but isn’t that exactly what Robert wanted.”_

_“He’s told me that so many times.”_

_“And love, he is right- he wouldn’t have set you free if he didn’t want you happy.”_

_“But I wasn’t.”_

_“No you did it as a way to forget. And he’ll understand that.”_

_Aaron nods, knows his mum is right. “I am going to tell him.”_

_“You’ll be fine love you’ll see. Somehow you two always are. Look at you now.” And Aaron laughs._

_“So go help that poor lad with whatever he’s trying to smash outside and meet your Rob for lunch.”_

_“Not at the pub though- I don’t think he’s up for that yet.”_

_“Know he’s welcome though yeah?”_

_“I know. I am sorry for telling you to keep away. I was just worried about Robert, you should have seen him days after he’d gotten out.” Chas nods, frowning. “I get it love, I am used to you being protective when it comes to him. But I promise, I love and care for him, even if it doesn’t always seem that way.”_

His brain is scattered so without any logic he just grabs whatever he fancies at David’s, feels his heart lurch when he sees the donuts, imagines telling Robert that he can have them all if he wants to. He knows they don’t have much in but he can’t remember exactly what they are in need of. He grabs some bread, milk and eggs- frowns at how basic it seems but it will have to do.

“Haven’t seen much of Robert since he got back, come to think of it I only know he’s back because everyone has told me so. Don’t know if it’s true.” David says as he goes about his task far too slowly for Aaron’s liking.

“Well it’s true I can assure you.” Aaron can’t help but snap a bit but he wants to make the most of his lunch break.

“Yeah- yeah sorry of course mate. Hope he’s alright.”

Aaron smiles a little apologetically. “He is, thanks David.”

“Aaron!” he hears as he tries to jump in his car. He wants to ignore it but knows he can’t.

“Hiya.”

“Pet! How is Robert, do you know I haven’t even seen him yet since he gotten back. Vic keeps telling me not to visit, what’s wrong with him?”

Aaron tries not to sigh too visibly. He likes Diane, he really does and he knows he’s important in Robert’s life, that she is a mother figure to him that he hasn’t lost yet but he’s glad that Vic told her not to come round. Diane, she can be overwhelming sometimes and she’s not the most tactful person ever. At the same time it hurts a bit that she hasn’t ignored Vic’s advice and visited her stepson anyway. Diane almost disappeared from his life after Robert had left. And he gets that she had to be there for Vic and Harry and Aaron doesn’t care about himself- but the fact that she hasn’t asked after Robert much hurts. Especially when he knows how Robert cares for her, he’s seen the video he recorded for her- tries not to think about that too much as he’s standing right in front of her.

“He’s fine Diane, it will just take a while for him to settle back into normal life you know?”

“Course.”

“Maybe we can all come round to Vic’s at the weekend?” He will obviously discuss that one with Robert first but Diane is smiling and nodding. “That be great pet. Give him my love- I’ve been wanting to call him but wasn’t even sure if he still had his phone.” Aaron nods at her absentmindedly before registering what’s she said exactly. He suddenly remembers that Robert hadn’t used his phone since he gotten back until he texted him this morning. He thinks about how he should have warned the older man because god knows what memories are on that phone- when Diane waves a hand in front of his face.

“Oh uh yeah, he still has the same phone. But I will ask him about this weekend.”

“Alright pet, I’ll leave you to it then. I can see you’re in a hurry.” Aaron smiles at her gratefully, “Robert’s at home” he says as an explanation as he finally gets back in his car and Diane smiles understandingly.

“Hiya! It’s me.” Aaron feels himself automatically smiling as he sees Robert emerging from the kitchen. He looks good, Aaron thinks, happy and glowing. It’s then that he properly realises that Robert is wearing a shirt of his own and it brings tears to his eyes.

“Aaron? You alright?”

“Rob, you look great. I’m fine. It’s just the shirt- it’s nice seeing you like this again that’s all, I am not upset. Not that you haven’t looked nice in my stuff it’s just-“ he’s rambling and Robert laughs at him, eyes soft.

“It’s ok, I get what you mean. Just wanted to look nice I guess.” He shrugs, feeling a bit embarrassed again but Aaron finally comes closer and touches his cheek “well ya do.”

Robert watches Aaron register the kitchen table “what’s this? This looks nice.”

“I made us lunch.”

“But we barely have anything in.”

“Luckily I’m quite a good cook and I’ve rustled something up for us.”

“Rob you didn’t have too, but this is great and I am sure the food will be as well.” He holds Robert by the arms, comfortably stroking them.

“What’s that?” Robert nods towards the plastic bag on the floor.

“Oh well just a few bits from David’s, just to make sure we could have something but you’ve already sorted it.”

“Oh yeah. And I know we need to do a big food shop, I’ll come with ya when we go?”

Aaron smiles at him, eyes sparkling.

“Let’s eat eh, before Ellis gets another opportunity to tell me that the boss can’t be late.”

“I want a kiss first though, I missed ya.”

“Missed ya too.” Aaron replies as he wraps his arms around Robert’s neck, obliging happily.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in all honestly, writing chas this reasonable was not my initial plan but when it came to it i couldn't help myself. apparently i just want everyone to absolutely love robert :)  
> this chapter was also getting extremely long which is why the next chapter will start off from where its left off 
> 
> thank you for reading <3


	8. VIII

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> aaron tells robert about how he coped without him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another dialogue heavy chapter, but they are not uncommon in this fic :)  
> hope you enjoy x
> 
> slight warning: towards the very end of this chapter robert asks aaron if he self harmed while he was away in prison, the answer is no but the mention is there.

“Do you like it?” Robert asks.

Not much has been said yet and Robert doesn’t know whether the timing is right for what he wants to bring up. Aaron will have to go back to work soon.

“It’s lovely Rob- thanks for doing this.” Robert smiles shyly while he stares at Aaron’s hand and then his own. Now Robert has worked it all out in his head, the fact that both of them aren’t wearing their rings seems more and more wrong. When he has just about worked up the courage to bring it up Aaron interrupts him.

“You ok? You look uncomfortable. Did something happen while I was gone. I haven’t even asked ya how your morning was I’m sorry-“

“Aaron-“ he sighs, decides to bring up a different topic.

“Your mum came round earlier.” He watches Aaron’s eyes widen.

“What-why didn’t you say anything?” Robert opens his mouth but Aaron continues “did she say anything to ya, did she-“

“Aaron-“ Robert says again, trying to calm down the younger man. He wasn’t expecting an outburst like this. He thinks about his chat with Chas and how she had called Aaron protective. He covers Aaron’s hand with his own.

“We just had a chat. It was really civil actually. She wasn’t angry. She told me a few things.” Aaron pulls his hand away at that and Robert frowns. Aaron looks distressed, tears in his eyes and Robert doesn’t understand.

“She came by the scrapyard this morning. We talked but she didn’t say she was going to see ya- she didn’t-“

“She explained that you are just being protective” Robert interrupts him, watches how Aaron is still just staring at him. “She said that she and Paddy had said some things and that now I’m back you don’t want to risk me hearing any of it. She doesn’t hate me- well not fully anyway.”

Aaron says nothing for a few seconds, just watches the older man. Robert doesn’t seem angry or sad. He seems almost cheerful. When Robert had told him that Chas had come to see him, all progress he had made with his mum that morning seemed to fall away- he’d thought that once again his mum had taken it upon herself to talk for him but looking at Robert- he doesn’t think she did. If Robert knew about his behaviour just after he had been locked up he wouldn’t be looking this cheerful would he?

“Aaron?”

“Sorry- uh yeah. I just thought the last thing you needed after you had just gotten out was my mum on your case, spouting all sorts. When she came to see me she said she wouldn’t do that- if we’d come to the pub- but I didn’t know she would come to see you.”

“I am glad she did. She said that if you were to tell me she didn’t exactly hate me I wouldn’t believe it.”

Aaron grins slightly “you probably wouldn’t have - but I’m sorry that I didn’t tell ya why I was keeping us away from them. But aside from all that I wanted us to just be us.”

“Yeah I get that- and I did think that was why- just didn’t want to bring up your mum at all because I didn’t want to make things awkward for ya.”

Aaron brings his hand back to cover Robert’s “You wouldn’t have done. Should have just told ya I was protecting ya.” Robert grins, knows that the younger man was still shy about communicating stuff like that, understands why he didn’t.

Aaron lets go off his hand to continue eating while Robert plays with his fork.

“Don’t you want to talk about it more?”

Aaron looks at him, eyes softening at Robert’s nervousness “talk about what?” He asks.

“Well, about you. Your mum explained why she said stuff about me, understandably. Because you were not coping.”

“Of course I wasn’t coping Robert!” Aaron can’t help but snap “you left me remember.”

Robert looks down at his plate and Aaron sighs.

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to snap, it’s just-“

“Don’t be sorry. You’re right. And that’s why I am asking. It wasn’t that I had forgotten that what I did to you hurt ya but sometimes it feels like we’re only talking about my hurt.”

“You were in prison for seven months Rob. And if I’m honest I know you haven’t told me everything either.” Aaron says sharply.

Robert’s almost pouting “still feels like I’ve told you much more about my last seven months than you have.”

“Can’t I just be happy that I’ve got my husband back.” Aaron blurts out before thinking and Robert winces at the term.

“But if you keep it bottled up it will explode at some later date- it’s better to talk about it now.”

“Robert there isn’t anything to say. You know as well as I that I’ve expressed my anger. And that the anger and hurt is still there but it doesn’t mean that I don’t want you here. Or that I have to get over all that before we can fully be together again. It will take a while, maybe forever. The memories, they hurt Robert but I’ve told ya- I know why you did it.”

Robert gulps “I understand that but I mean what you went through and how you coped after I was gone. I don’t know much about that.”

Aaron sighs “can we talk about this later? I promise this is not me trying to get out of talking about it but now’s not the time. How about tonight?”

Robert nods, knows that Aaron’s right. The air between them is tense and Robert wants it to go back to how it was- before they started getting deep. He takes a deep breath and decides to go for it.

“Aaron I was thinking this morning about- how about we wear our rings again? I know you said a while back that you still see me as your husband and I just thought-“ he stops when he sees Aaron looking distressed once again- tears pooling in his eyes and they’re clearly not from joy. He’s not saying anything, he’s just staring at Robert as if it will make him forget what Robert just said.

“God, forget I said anything. I just thought-“

It hurts and it shouldn’t. It wasn’t as if Robert hadn’t just told Aaron that he understood if he was still angry and here he was asking them to wear their rings again, one step further to normality. Aaron didn’t want that and he should have known.

It’s not like Robert to run away from a situation really, whenever they have a row or something is uncomfortable, Robert would normally be the one that wants them to sort it out before going any further- or he used to be that kind of person anyway. But Aaron still isn’t saying anything and Robert can no longer stand the shame he’s feeling.

He storms up the stairs, leaving Aaron at the kitchen table looking bewildered.

*

“Robert, please open the door- let me know you’re alright.” Aaron’s standing in front of their bathroom door- listening out for any sound.

“I am alright Aaron- go back to work. I’m fine.” Robert sniffs and Aaron’s heart aches.

It had taken him about five seconds to follow Robert- not even believing how quickly everything had gone so wrong. He knew he had to tell Robert now- no more excuses. He texted Ellis saying he should take the rest of the day off. It didn’t seem fair to let his mate carry on on his own.

“I am not going Robert- we need to talk. Please come out or open the door.”

Aaron had expected Robert to be in their bedroom, the fact that he had locked himself in the bathroom concerned him. Aaron tries to remember whether he’s done this before but he doesn’t think so. Aaron reckons it somehow reminds Robert of prison- that feeling of being isolated, being alone. Aaron doesn’t like thinking about it.

“Please.”

There’s nothing and Aaron knocks on the door again, this time even more persistent.

“I don’t blame ya for not wanting to wear your ring again. I don’t. I was silly to suggest it even- it’s too soon.”

Aaron sighs, hates how wrong all of this is. He leans his head against the door, his speech muffled. “It wasn’t too soon. I just didn’t expect it that’s all. Please come out Robert so we can talk about this.”

There are a few beats of silence when Aaron hears the lock and the door opens. Robert is watching him- his eyes are red and Aaron wants to hug him but before he can do anything Robert pushes past him and walks towards their bedroom.

“It’s okay Aaron, honest.” Aaron hears as he follows the blond into their bedroom.

“No it’s not.” Aaron’s heart is practically beating out of his chest. Robert doesn’t seem to listen, he’s staring out of the window “this morning, I just had the urge to prove myself, prove that I was doing better and then your mum was telling me she didn’t hate me and I just thought that we could wear our rings again. I even wanted to ask you about cancelling our divorce- I know it isn’t completely official yet.” Aaron freezes at that but Robert doesn’t stop rambling “It was stupid- those decisions, they should come from you. Not me- because I’m the one that ruined us.”

“No.” Aaron can’t not interrupt. He hurries over to Robert, wants to desperately reach out but the fear of frightening the older man stops him from doing so, instead he goes to stand next to him.

“Robert look at me. You’re wrong. I want that I promise ya I do and I never thought about who should bring it up first because it doesn't matter. And you didn't ruin us, don't think like that.” He wipes at his eyes. Robert’s watching him and he can’t stop himself from reaching for his hand.

“I just need to tell ya something first yeah?”

In all honesty, Aaron was planning on telling Robert today. Just a little later, when he had finished work and had thought of what he was going to say, when he had used some old car as an outlet for the fear he felt.

When Robert brought up the rings he had wanted nothing more than to kiss him and run upstairs to find said rings. But he couldn’t when he was still holding stuff back from Robert.

Robert nods and Aaron can tell he’s scared. He doesn’t know what Robert’s expecting him to say- if he’s expecting anything at all. Aaron is still wondering whether this will come as a surprise to the older man or not when Robert has already disappeared from the window.

He turns around and sees him sitting on the floor, against their bed. “Come sit then.” Robert smiles at him weakly and Aaron smiles back, praying that he isn’t going to lose this- that this isn’t going to be a major setback for them.

Aaron makes himself comfortable and is met by a memory of three years ago. It seems fitting, the fact that back then they were also sat on the floor, after having had that difficult conversation. Somewhere Aaron knows that Robert won’t be angry, more hurt- that’s worse he thinks.

So he tells Robert. He can’t really look at the older man- doesn’t want to see the realisation, hurt and sadness on his face.

He tells him how he slept with other lads- when Robert hadn’t even been gone two months.

Weirdly enough, when he’s finished and braves a quick glance at Robert he doesn’t see any of those expressions on the older man's face. Well- the sadness is there but it’s not the disappointed kind.

“Aaron” Robert says, voice just above a whisper. “Look at me please.”

He does and Robert smiles at him weakly, reaching out to cup his cheek.

“Why are you not mad?”

“Because I am not.”

Aaron frowns at him, feelings frustrated. “Robert I betrayed you.”

“No you didn’t. I am not gonna sit here and tell you that it doesn’t hurt at all but- at the end of the day I did what I did so you could move on.”

“This wasn’t me moving on.”

“I know, I know. And that is what does upset me. That you did it because you needed to find a way to cope” Robert gulps “Aaron I’m not angry because I have no right to be, we weren’t together anymore. I just- I hate that I did that to ya, that you felt you needed to do that to cope.”

Aaron can’t say anything because the lump in his throat is making it impossible.

“Did you keep yourself safe? Please tell me they didn’t hurt ya- or force ya or anything.”

“Robert” Aaron says, ignoring the pain he’s feeling at the memories and focusses on reassuring Robert.

“I wanted it like- I knew what I was doing. It was consensual if that’s what you’re asking. I wanted it when it was happening I guess, but I hated myself afterwards because like I said it was just something that I thought was going to help me cope, it didn’t but-“

“I understand” Robert says, taking Aaron’s hand. “It’s what I wanted to hear.”

Aaron feels tears rushing down his cheeks again.

“Aaron- please don’t cry. I’m not angry at you not at all. I just hate myself.”

Aaron doesn’t want that, he didn’t tell Robert so the older man could hate himself more.

“Please don’t. I hate this so much. But there was no way I couldn’t tell ya. I wanted to tell ya for ages and then you brought up the rings and I knew I could no longer hide it from ya.”

“How many were there- sorry you don’t have to answer that at all.”

Aaron sighs, wipes at his face and then reaches out to wipe at Robert’s tears “It’s okay. I think three? I’m not sure anymore. I used to match with people and then just ignore them. It wasn’t a good time. I often couldn’t remember their names if I had even looked at their names to start with.”

Robert nods and Aaron just stares at him before hiding his face in his hands again.

“Aaron please-“

“It was just so awful Robert- and I hated myself so much because I felt like I was betraying you all the time but I just couldn’t stop it. I had them here in our house- in our bedroom. How can you not hate me.”

“Aaron I could never hate you never. And I caused this I-“

“No you didn’t. You didn’t make me do stuff with other lads in our house did ya.”

Robert gulps and Aaron continues, another memory hitting him “one of them- he saw the mug. _World’s best husband_ ” Aaron whispers and Robert looks down. “He thought I was cheating on ya- thought that I was trying to get him out before you came home” He can’t say anymore, the onslaught of tears hindering him. He just remembers wishing and wishing that Robert _was_ about to walk through the door.

Seeing Aaron cry has always been like a punch to the gut for Robert. And seeing him like this hurts so much more than what Aaron’s told him. Because Robert knows him- knows Aaron isn’t someone who’s like that, Robert’s actions made him do that. Imagining the state of the man he loves just months after he left hurts even more. He wipes at his own face before attempting to calm down the younger man. It’s clear that Aaron needs to let it all out- the pain and the memories of that time but Robert is scared he’s making himself sick.

“Shhh Aaron, please take some deep breaths ok.” Aaron nods and Robert is relieved to see that what he’s saying is registering with the younger man.

“I’ll get you some water ok?”

“No.” Aaron all but shouts out, gripping Robert’s wrist. “Please, don’t leave me.”

“Ok ok, I’m not leaving I promise.“

Robert doesn’t know how long they sit in silence for- possibly 10 minutes but he’s not sure. He feels frozen- doesn’t even dare move. He thinks about how the hell they are going to move on from this because it’s clear that Aaron’s still hurting so much from his actions and sitting here next to him feels so wrong, he feels like a fraud. He’s thinking about all of this when Aaron interrupts him- voice calmer but still very much broken.

“You can ask questions you know?”

Robert frowns “what do you mean?”

“Anything?”

“Aaron it’s ok. You’re clearly upset maybe we should just call it a day for now yeah?”

Aaron shakes his head adamantly “no- it’s better to have it all in the open now.”

“I don’t have any questions Aaron- I just want to know whether it got better or-“

Aaron nods “It did. Like I said it started around Christmas and carried on in January. I guess I came to my senses because Vic and Liv were worried about me and I just didn’t want to feel like I was betraying you anymore. I got more involved with Harry- seeing him and being around Vic- it helped. I- the last one, he tried to take my wallet and I went mad. Vic and Liv walked in on us and- yeah it got better.”

Robert’s eyes widen and he feels his heart sinking “what- did he hurt you?”

“It was fine Rob, honestly. He didn’t do anything- well except try and rob me.”

Aaron’s head is spinning and he could do with some water but he doesn’t want to leave this spot. He feels like they’re getting somewhere. Robert has always been Aaron’s entire support system, really. Robert isn’t like his mum or Paddy- he is able to just listen and often that is all Aaron wants. His mum and Paddy have a habit of trying to find an immediate solution and in the last couple of months that had been _get over Robert._ They wouldn’t just acknowledge the fact that Aaron was hurting and that he needed time. Robert never judges, he listens and tries to help Aaron in a realistic way- acknowledging what he needs and doesn’t need. Aaron feels safe, sitting here next to Robert on the floor- and he feels ready to sort stuff out in his head, knowing that the person listening isn't judging him.

“Things were bad when you were gone. I don’t remember much from November to be honest. I know I was angry, upset and confused. Even when you hadn’t been moved yet- I wouldn’t sleep in our bed, was just on the couch all day everyday- and I drank, a lot. And I know that wasn’t healthy but nobody understood how I was feeling. Liv wanted me to get back to normal so quickly and I get that- I’m her guardian but I guess I just felt like I couldn’t grieve properly and my mum and Paddy- they didn’t understand either. Nobody got how much I missed ya and how lost I felt without ya. How we had had our whole lives ahead of us one minute and the next it was gone, just like that.”

_I don’t want to do anything without him_

_You still got your life, we have been robbed of ours_

Aaron sniffs and takes a deep breath “they just wanted me to be ok when I wasn’t.”

Robert reaches out for his hand hesitantly and Aaron grabs it to reassure him.

“Aaron I am so sorry. I was so worried about you before I got locked up and me and your mum talked about it- she promised to look after you. I know I don’t really have a leg to stand on but-“

“You have always been my biggest support- being without you. It was bad.”

Robert relates to that and wipes some stray tears from his face.

“Wish we had just ran away- that we had never been apart.”

“Yeah I know, I imagined a life like that many times.”

“At least we would have been together.”

“You’ll never know how sorry I am.”

“Robert I know. I always know. My family- they tried but they would have never understood I guess.”

“C’mere you.” Aaron whispers, bringing Robert to his chest. He knows the older man needs the comfort. “I am not telling you all this to make you feel guilty, you know that right?”

“Of course I do, it’s just hearing what you’ve been through- I hate myself.”

“Please don’t.”

Aaron sighs, his mouth is getting drier by the minute but he isn’t done yet. Robert has started shifting uncomfortably and Aaron grins “ya still alright sitting here.”

“It’s getting a bit uncomfy but I reckon I’ll survive.” Robert lifts his head up to look at him “spill, I can see there’s more you want to tell me.”

“Right.” Aaron says, grabbing Robert’s hand again.

“Is it bad?” Robert asks, looking worried.

“No, well it was but it’s all good now. I just couldn’t tell you at first. “Back in January, when I went off the rails it was also because Rebecca- she’d stopped me from seeing Seb.”

“She did what? But I thought that-“

“Robert- like I said it’s ok now. But yeah on top of everything else that threw me off. I don’t completely blame her though Rob- it was confusing for him. He asked after you and I tried to explain but-“

“Hey, you have always been a great dad to him.”

“Yeah but it wasn’t ideal. He missed ya- I was a mess and Rebecca and Ross- well they thought a clean break was best. I became even more of a mess, that night, after I found out I went out- where I met that bloke that ended up trying to burgle me. But it was also then that I started coming out of that state. I said some horrible stuff to Vic and Liv the next day and it just made me realise that I didn’t want to cope like that anymore. I went to Scotland to help Debbie for a few weeks- sorted my head out a bit and with Vic’s help I wrote to Rebecca asking her to change her mind. A letter seemed more formal and that way I had the chance to say everything I wanted to say. I had no rights and I knew that, I’m nothing to Seb really-“

“Aaron”

“Robert- it's the truth- legally, especially when I signed the divorce papers.”

Robert squeezes his eyes shut and Aaron squeezes his hand to comfort him.

“Anyways- she agreed and we continued a sort of routine. Seb coming to see me every other weekend. It kept me going. I couldn’t bear the thought of losing him and part of you.”

“Aaron I am so so sorry.” Robert looks pale and Aaron cups his cheek.

“You don’t have to keep apologising to me.”

“Of course I do. I’m such an idiot- I tried to organise everything before I went away but I never even thought about you not having access to Seb.”

“Because when you were sorting all that out- things were still different.”

“Yeah but I should have sorted it from prison, I could arrange the divorce papers couldn’t I.”

“Robert please-“ Aaron hated seeing him so distressed.

“God I’m such an idiot- Aaron if I had known she would do that- I just didn’t think she would. I am so sorry. I can’t imagine how you must have felt, having him taken from you just like that.”

“Robert- you lost him too.”

“So often I thought about you and Seb being together and it kept me going, when all the while you weren't- not for a while anyway.”

“Rob- please getting angry right now isn’t going to help anyone.”

“But I just don’t understand. I hate thinking of him being confused, but taking you away from him so he lost both dads would have been confusing too. I just don’t understand the logic.”

Aaron relates to Robert’s anger. He had understood where Rebecca came from but at the same time seeing neither of them anymore would have confused Seb all the same.

“I am angry at her but I’m mostly angry at myself.”

“But Robert- what’s important was that I got to see him again in April. And he helped me sort my head out because I wanted to be a good parent to him. And do you remember when Rebecca and Ross moved away and we had all that fuss? You didn’t want it to go to court, you didn’t want all of us fighting over him like that. And this time we managed to avoid that again.”

Robert has his head in his hands and Aaron squeezes his arm “okay?”

“Okay” Robert says when he’s wiped some fresh tears from his face.

“I am so proud of you, you know that?”

“Why?”

“Why? Because you fought for our son. You went away to sort your head out and came back with a plan to get to see Seb again- without any fighting or legalities.”

Aaron smiles shily, “I never thought about it like that- but yeah I guess I’m proud too.”

“You should be.” Robert smiles.

Aaron’s about to suggest they move when he practically sees Robert’s face fall, sees the change in mood.

“Rob?”

“What- sorry?”

“You look upset.”

“I was just thinking.”

“Mind sharing it with me?”

Robert smiles weakly “I was thinking about what I told Seb- last summer. I told him to look out for you because I was so scared that- that you weren’t going to cope and that you’d get sick again.”

“You told him that?” Aaron gasps and Robert nods, slightly absentmindedly “it’s so long ago now but yeah we were outside the cafe and you went back to work. Of course he had no idea what I was on about but it was all that had been playing on my mind. I wanted him to be your focus- and the new baby.”

Aaron frowns and Robert looks sheepish “when we were still planning on finding a new surrogate- it doesn’t matter.”

“No go on.”

“It was when you still thought I had just been charged with GBH. I thought that a new baby could be something for you to focus on. It’s not that I wanted a baby with you anyway but yeah that was a large part of it. It sounds bad now but it made sense in my head at the time.”

“I see.”

“Have I ruined it- are you mad?”

“No Robert. And you haven’t ruined anything. I see what you were thinking.”

“I just needed you to be happy and back then there was still a chance I’d get a reasonable sentence so I thought let’s go for it. Selfish really.”

“No the opposite of selfish. Stupid yeah but I get it.”

“Can’t even remember whether I believed it could actually work I mean we couldn’t have hidden the fact I was about to go to prison but I didn’t even think beyond the point of still wanting that for us regardless of what would happen. I just knew any child of ours would be safe and happy with you.”

“I never wanted any of that without you though Robert- you were always part of the deal.”

“Well I still would have been, sort of.”

“You’re such an idiot.” It’s all Aaron can say because his head is spinning once again and sometimes he can’t quite deal with the way Robert thinks about himself.

“Aaron.”

“Yeah?”

“Did you get sick again?”

“I didn’t hurt myself if that’s what you mean. I promise ya I didn’t do anything like that. My coping mechanisms, well as you heard they weren’t great but I didn’t- harm myself.”

Robert nods “I am proud of you for that too, so proud.”

“Give over.”

“It was what I was so worried about.”

Aaron looks at the blond, sees how he still looks anxious and worried and probably just as dishevelled from their conversation as Aaron and throws his arms around him.

“I love you.” It’s what Robert needs to hear.

“Love you too, so much.”

Aaron buries his face into Robert’s shoulder and stays there for a while- would stay there for the rest of the night if he could.

“Do you forgive me?” Aaron whispers, not even sure if Robert can hear him.

“For what?”

“Betraying you like that.”

“Aaron you didn’t. There’s nothing to forgive I promise.”

Aaron just holds on tighter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope most of this was quite fitting with what was happening in canon at the time, i watched some aaron scenes from after robert had left to refresh my mind and hopefully it all made sense. the fact that aaron never really lost seb is obviously something that doesn't fit with canon but there was no way that i was going to have seb lose both his dads in this world.
> 
> thank you so much for reading  
> 💗


	9. IX

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> robert and aaron have a good weekend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a quite happy and fluffy chapter ahead <3
> 
> warning: this chapter contains a mention and discussion of seizures.

Aaron wakes up to the smell of coffee and he blinks against the sunlight shining into the room. With squinting eyes he watches Robert who’s standing with his back to Aaron, looking out of their bedroom window.

Aaron speaks gently when he says “morning you.” Robert turns around and smiles at him brightly “morning, I made you a coffee.”

Aaron takes the mug which is still warm and cradles it in his hands “what’s all this for?”

Robert is still staring at him “I wanted to wake ya with a coffee but you looked really comfortable so I thought I just let ya sleep.” Aaron catches Robert’s mug on the window sill and it makes his heart feel all fuzzy, the fact that Robert stayed here with him instead of sipping his morning coffee downstairs.

“How are ya feeling?” Aaron frowns before understanding what Robert’s getting at. “I’m fine- glad I told ya I guess.” Robert nods and comes towards their bed. He cups Aaron’s cheek and Aaron smiles at the glimpse of the silver, he covers Robert’s hand on his cheek as he stares at him, _his husband._ Robert seems a bit lost in his head, but happy nonetheless. “Do I get a kiss then Mr Dingle.”

“Sugden-Dingle” Robert smiles and Aaron melts at the fact that Robert is here with him- that they get to say this sort of stuff again. Robert gently brushes his lips against his and Aaron kisses him back with a bit more force, not minding the bitter taste of coffee between them.

Last night, after they had been on the floor- holding on to each other for what felt like hours, Robert had gently suggested that they’d move. Neither of them had been too keen on leaving the comfort of their bedroom though so they made themselves comfortable on the bed. Robert preferred to have important conversations in their bedroom and especially _pillow talk_ was something Robert loved. Aaron had to admit he had started to see the appeal of it more too. Their bedroom felt more closed off to the rest of the world, more private than even the downstairs area of their own house. Aaron had also noticed how Robert seemed to prefer spending time up here ever since he moved back in- a smaller space clearly something he gotten used too.

Robert had brought them up some beans and toast, something that Aaron never thought he’d see the older man make but neither of them had been in the mood for a big meal. Robert had carefully asked him some more questions about how his family had helped him- clearly shocked at the fact that they weren’t there for him in the way that Robert had hoped. Aaron kept telling him not to blame himself over this- that he did everything he thought was right and that his family thought they were doing the same but went the wrong way about things.

He told Robert about Cain and how he was one of the only people who seemed to sort of get it. He told him how he had gotten lost in the woods after Vic had gotten a letter from him but Aaron didn’t.

_“I was just so upset- I told ‘im that you knew what you were doing to me. He was understanding towards ya you know? Bet you thought he would be the last one to show you any sort of sympathy but he was the opposite really. He told me how you had given me another shot at life this way. I told him that I didn’t want that- that I just wanted you and our family- that I had a family. That I only ever wanted more children with you. I was really down Rob- said that without ya there was nothing to live for-“_

_Robert had paled at that, mouth dropping open and eyes widened in fear. Aaron had been quick to reassure him, squeezed his hand and held it against his chest._

_“He sorted me out Rob- reminded me that if he hadn’t saved me that day when I tried to end my life that I wouldn’t have met you, found Liv or gotten married. And hey- look at me now. I’m here with you again, the pain when you left- yeah it was bad but it was worth it- I’d do it all over again as long as you always come back to me in the end. Don’t ever think I won’t.”_

_“December was bad wasn’t it?”_

_“Yeah it was” Aaron agreed. Liv had a seizure that day, it put things into perspective, for a bit anyway- because then I went on those apps and well you know how that ended.”_

_“What? Is she-“_

_“She was okay and she is doing okay now. I promise.”_

_“I let you all down so badly. I know I can never make it right.”_

_“Robert please don’t do this. It’s not like you just left for the fun of it is it? You went to prison.”_

_“Yeah but-“ Robert choked and Aaron just wiped away his tears._

_“It’s wasn’t a good time, for neither of us. All we can do now is be better and move forward. Maybe not forget because we both went through so much pain- but we can move forward. We’re already doing that.”_

_“No we’re not- because you are telling me the worst things and I don’t deserve to be here with you.” Robert sniffed._

_“Don’t say that- you love me so much and everyone can see that. Cain even told me that you know? Not that long before you were released- he said that it had always been clear how much you love me.”_

_“Really?’”_

_“Really. I had a bit of a wobble.”_

_“About what?”_

_“About you not loving me, which was down to me head not you. God Robert, all you have ever done is show me how much you love me.”_

_Robert said nothing at that, the upset written all over his face. He had hidden his face in Aaron’s neck and Aaron ignored the wetness he felt, just rubbing at Robert’s arm to comfort him._

_“It was what I wanted ya to know more than anything- that last visit.”_

_“I know I know. And I’ve always known okay- it was just the voice in my head making me doubt it all.”_

_Silence had settled over them and Aaron found an important question running through his head after the conversation they had just had._

_“Rob?”_

_“Hm” Robert made a noncommittal sound._

_“Did you have any more seizures? In prison.” Ever since he saw Robert seizing on the floor, the idea of it happening again had been a new worry that was added to Aaron’s mental list. It was one of the things Aaron feared happening to Robert inside and after Liv suffered another seizure it had been on the forefront of his mind more than ever. Robert hadn’t said anything about suffering any more of them but knowing the older man, he probably wouldn’t unless he was prompted to tell Aaron._

_“I-“ Robert squeezed his eyes shut and Aaron already knew he wasn’t going to like the answer._

_“Once. Only once. I think it must have been December, I’d probably been locked up for about a month then and I missed you so much, I wasn’t sleeping, had nightmares, cried a lot and the dehydration- partly from all of that caused me to seize, again. I woke up in the infirmary, confused because I didn’t remember what had happened. They told me it was due to dehydration, just like they did back then. I wasn’t worried, necessarily. Because I knew it was because I wasn’t looking after myself properly, refusing what I did get offered in there. So I did everything I could to make sure it didn’t happen again. Because I didn’t want to draw attention to myself- and being in the infirmary did exactly that. I didn’t want to appear weak.”_

_Aaron felt sick at the thought of Robert suffering a seizure all on his own, he felt sick knowing that Robert had to first be found in that state before anyone could help him. His eyes were wet and he looked at Robert, practically checking him over. Aaron couldn’t say anything- the image of Robert laying on the floor being the only thing on his mind._

_“You’re not weak because you suffered a seizure Rob.” He whispered._

_“I know that but I just wanted to keep my head down you know?”_

_“Robert- you are clearly prone to it. You need to look after yourself.”_

_He wished he could have reminded Robert to take care every day._

_He remembered telling Robert on the phone, when he hadn’t even been sentenced yet._

_He felt helpless, even with Robert sitting right next to him._

_“Promise me Rob. I know you’re here now but- things aren’t back to normal yet are they? Just promise me that you’ll look after yourself and please let me help you.”_

_“I promise- I’ve got you now eh.” Aaron smiled up at him before frowning again. “I’m serious though Rob-“_

_“I know, I am too.”_

“Aaron?” Aaron blinks up at him questioningly.

“You’re in your head.”

“Sorry I was just thinking- about you and what you told me last night.”

“Aaron, I am doing okay honest. I’m still here aren’t I?”

“Yeah and it better stay that way.”

“Yes husband.” Robert says teasingly and Aaron grins at him, shaking his head.

After Robert had told him about the seizure he had seemed lost again, a faraway gaze on his face that Aaron didn’t like. Then Aaron remembered the very thing that had prompted their long, emotional conversation.

_“Rob- I’m going to make us a brew yeah? Back in a sec.” He said before kissing the older man’s head and leaving the room._

_It was downstairs that he had found the abandoned bag of stuff he had bought earlier including the donuts. Smiling, he got to work._

_“Almost forgot about these.” Aaron said as he pushed open the door with his foot, carrying two mugs and the bag of donuts inside their bedroom._

_“What’s that?”_

_“Donuts- for you. I got them from David’s earlier, hopefully they’re still okay.”_

_“Course they will. Was wondering what was in that bag when I made us our toast.”_

_“Hm yeah a few donuts are such a big surprise that I’m glad you didn’t spoil it by having a peek.” Aaron joked and Robert chuckled._

_“Oh, there are quite a lot.”_

_“All for you.”_

_“Don’t be silly. I can’t eat all them.”_

_Aaron laughed “Well guess I have room for some.”_

_“I have missed these.” Robert smiled as the sugar was already visible on his lips and Aaron looked at him fondly._

_“Well you don’t have to anymore. You can have as much sweet stuff as ya like.”_

_“Thought ya hated my sweet tooth.”_

_“As if. I love everything about ya.” Aaron took a deep breath before he continued “which is why you’re right about the rings. You now know why I was hesitant at first. Nothing to do with you.” Aaron said shyly, watching Robert’s face lighten up. He reached out to open the draw of his bedside table. “I- they are here. I kept them in here.” His hands were shaking slightly and he could hear how Robert’s breathing was quickening._

_“Hey, it’s alright.”_

_“Aaron are you really sure about this.”_

_“I want nothing more.”_

_“But the divorce papers, what about-“_

_“We’ll sort that out yeah? We’re husbands, even if it isn’t legal.” Robert eyes were wet but he grinned “we’ve been there before.”_

_“Exactly. Come here then.” Aaron whispered as Robert scooted up closer towards him holding out his trembling hand. A tear rolled down Robert’s face as Aaron slid on his ring. “Sorry- it’s just the last time I wore it and then-“_

_“Shh, I know. You don’t have to apologise Rob. That’s behind us now yeah? I’m here with you and I will be here tomorrow, next week and forever.”_

_“We never look back.” Robert muttered and Aaron nodded and kissed his head._

_Robert grabbed Aaron’s ring, taking his hand gently. Once it was in its rightful place, Robert stroked his knuckles. Aaron could feel the tears on his own face and he chuckled a bit “right pair we are.”_

_Robert grinned back, “feels right this though doesn’t it?”_

_“It does.”_

Aaron is still thinking about last night when Robert shakes at his shoulder “oi you.”

“Sorry, sorry I’m just happy you know.” Aaron says, watches how Robert’s glowing too and he grabs his hand so that their rings touch.

“I know what you mean.” Robert smiles before he looks at Aaron questioningly “how about we go shopping today. Do a big shop. It’s been a while.” Robert grins sheepishly.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes I’m sure.”

“Let’s go then.”

Robert’s driving and it feels weird but good. Aaron has a comforting hand on his thigh as they drive out of the village. Robert had missed driving, had missed his car.

Before prison, Robert hadn’t really thought about his car and what was going to happen to it- he’d been far more concerned about the people in his life. All the materialistic stuff- it hadn’t been important to him, which was something the Robert from a few years ago would have never seen coming. When he’d seen his car in the driveway of the mill on the day he moved back in, he had been surprised which made him realise that he never thought about what Aaron would have done with it.

“Never thought ya’d keep it to be honest.” Robert says and he can see Aaron frowning before he seems to understand. He gulps “would have taken me a long time to get rid of it Robert. I know how much you love this car- and I could pretend you were still here with me if your car was in the driveway. It’s silly I know.”

“It’s not” Robert says and Aaron squeezes his thigh.

“This car- it has memories. I’ll never forget the first time you let me drive it.”

Robert chuckles at that, feels warm at the memory.

“Most of your stuff, that I gave to Vic- I did it out of anger and hopelessness. I already told you this- but I regretted doing it just seconds after." 

“I know. Aaron it’s fine. You know I don’t blame ya for doing it either way.”

“I am just glad Vic took everything of yours that I didn’t keep.” Aaron says and Robert glances over to see how his husband’s expression is sad. He doesn’t want that.

“You bet I would have dragged you out shopping with me if she hadn’t.”

Aaron smiles at that “god knows how long it would have taken us at the shops before you would have found the right amount of jacket and shirt combo’s again.” Aaron smiles and Robert matches him “guess you should be very grateful to my sister then eh? Reckon she’s due a thank you present from the both of us.”

“Definitely.” Aaron agrees.

The shopping goes well and Aaron doesn’t complain once about how long it’s taking. He lets Robert look at everything for as long as he wants. He doesn’t mind Robert picking up about four different kinds of hummuses or him taking his time picking out the best looking fruit. Aaron wouldn’t dare complain, not when his husband seems almost his normal self as he’s pushing the trolley and showing Aaron every item he’s found.

When Aaron points out that it seems to be going well- Robert gets a bit shy but he nods. He tells Aaron that it feels normal- doing the shopping for his family. It’s just another thing that he hadn’t even realised he had missed but now he’s doing it he never wants anyone to take this simple task away from him ever again. He also tells his husband that he feels comfortable here because no one really knows him- no one will be asking him any questions, giving him pitying looks. It’s what he’s most scared of back in the village, what keeps him from going to David’s or the pub.

“We’ll get there” Aaron says and Robert nods.

“As long as you’re with me.”

“Always.”

—

He has baby Harry in his arms as he watches Robert hugging Vic. He’s given her the chocolates they bought her when they went shopping and he laughs as his sister- in- law starts sharing them out straight away.

They have a good time, Aaron’s making sure of it. He has his eye on his husband at all times and he’s sure the others notice but he doesn’t care. Any sign of Robert being uncomfortable and Aaron is straight there- changing the topic, touching Robert’s arm. His husband ends up holding Harry most of the afternoon- it seems to settle him. A baby doesn’t ask him any questions, doesn’t expect anything from him. Aaron loves watching the both of them. The way they seem so comfortable with each other. Robert’s good with babies even if he doesn’t think so himself, Aaron has always known. Robert’s missed the first few months of Harry’s life but he’s on his way to catching up with it all. Aaron makes a mental note to call Rebecca later, to finally arrange Seb coming to stay with them.

They chat- mostly about Harry as Vic has endless stories about him. Aaron sees the way Robert lights up when he watches his sister talk about her son so proudly. Diane talks a lot too, Aaron’s not too sure what she’s on about but he’s fine with it all as long as it doesn’t hurt his husband.

“I guess that’s what it must be like in prison too? Robert? You’re not saying too much pet. Are you sure you are alright.” Diane suddenly says and the room falls silent. Aaron doesn’t want to speak for his husband, but Robert himself isn’t saying anything.

“Rob?” Aaron gently prompts him by squeezing his arm.

“What?” Robert asks, slightly dazed.

“If you’re alright?” Diane says before Aaron can say anything.

“I’m fine really.”

“Have another piece of cake pet, there’s not a lot of you at the moment is there.”

Robert quickly glances at Aaron before painting on a smile. “I’ve had enough for now thanks Diane.”

Robert’s stepmum looks a bit put out by that but she lets it go.

There are no more mentions of prison until Vic prises Harry from Robert’s arms to take him upstairs for a proper nap.

“So pet how are you, really? I’ve not heard from you since you came back. I didn’t find out you were back until I heard from your sister you moved back in with Aaron!”

“He moved back to _our_ house Diane.” Aaron says, trying to keep his voice gentle.

“Yeah uh sorry. I just wanted some time to settle in I guess. Sorry, I should have come to see you.” Robert stammers and Aaron can’t help but take his husband’s hand. Diane’s watching them and Aaron is tense, has his back up ready to defend Robert if it’s needed.

“I see you two are wearing your rings again. I’m happy for you boys.” Robert is smiling as he looks at Aaron and he can’t help but match it.

“Can’t believe you cut off all contact pet, but you’re here now and that’s what’s important.” Robert looks down at that and before Aaron can stop himself he says “did you ever watch that video Robert made for you Diane?”

She shifts uncomfortably at that and Robert gives him a confused expression.

“You know, those messages you recorded?” Aaron says gently, the memory of having to see Robert record them hitting him once again, making him feel sick.

“I did pet. It took a while though before I could. It was hard to watch.”

Aaron grinds his teeth. He wants to shout at her and tell her that it was much harder for Robert to make that video and for Aaron to watch him do it but instead he just rubs at Robert’s back, trying to ground him.

He tries to remember that Diane loves Robert even if she has a funny way of showing it sometimes and more importantly, she is important to Robert. And Aaron knows deep down that none of them had done enough to help Robert- to try and get through to him.

When Diane takes the empty cups and plates back to the kitchen, Robert looks up at him, searching his face intensely.

“You okay?” Robert nods, lays his head on his shoulder and Aaron freezes from shock before quickly recovering.

“You wanna go home?” Aaron asks. Robert moves his head and Aaron understands it as a nod.

“When Vic is back.” Robert mumbles.

“Aaron?” He asks after a few beats of silence and Aaron glances towards the kitchen, sees that Diane is still engrossed in her task of clearing up the kitchen.

“Yeah?”

“You know that message I left for you?”

Aaron gulps, turning his head to almost bury his face into Robert’s hair.

“I found it. I watched it so many times Rob. I-“ He can’t say more, ever since he’d seen that video for the first time he wondered when Robert recorded it, how he managed to do it without him noticing. Thinking about Robert recording that for him never fails to leave him feeling devasted. He can’t imagine ever having to record something like that for Robert.

“I am glad you found it. I didn’t want you to see that- I think I said that, but I knew things could go wrong.”

“But you handed yourself in. It didn’t have to-“ Aaron doesn’t care that Diane’s able to hear them or that Vic can come down any second. He’s clinging to Robert, almost crying into his hair.

“I know I’m-“

“Shh don’t say sorry Rob.” He’s not angry but the memories of that day, they are often too much to bear for Aaron. Because he thought that nothing could tear them apart- and Robert thought so too, had done so until the very last second- when he made the decision to hand himself in.

Aaron hates the idea that they both have to carry those memories with them for the rest of their lives. But he especially wishes he could take them away from Robert. He saw his husband’s expression when he mentioned those messages to Diane- knows that that day makes him just as sick as it does Aaron- probably even more so.

But they have each other now. Something that he’s never ever going to take for granted ever again. He sniffs and kisses Robert’s forehead, giving his arm a last gentle squeeze and Robert lifts his head up.

Diane is as oblivious as ever when she walks back into the room and Aaron gives her a smile, before he can even fill up the somewhat awkward silence, they hear Victoria coming down the stairs.

“Aaron.” He’s ready to go when Robert stops him.

“Yeah?”

“Hang on a sec. I just wanted a word with Vic.”

“Okay.” Aaron says, watching the way Robert’s eyes flicker across the room, the way Diane starts shifting awkwardly.

“I’ll head off then pet.” To her credit Diane seems to get that Robert’s waiting for her to go and she walks toward Robert who stands up to give her a hug.

With a _I’ll see you all later_ she heads out leaving them all standing around awkwardly.

“Do you want me to go too.” Aaron breaks the silence “it’s okay if you do-“

“No its okay. Diane could have stayed too really but I don’t know how much she knows and-“

“Robert- what’s going on?” Vic asks.

“I wanted to thank you. The chocolates were a thank you too.”

“For what?” She asks softly.

“Aaron told me. About how he coped when I was gone and how you were there for him. Made him see that he could move on. Made him realise he needed to look after himself.”

“We helped each other really didn’t we?” Vic smiles, reaching out to squeeze Aaron’s arm.

“I am glad.” Robert says, breath hitching. “I’m glad you had each other.”

“I said some stuff I’m not proud of but yeah- things did get better didn’t they? Also thanks to little Harry and Seb.”

“It’s forgotten about.” Vic says, looking between them. “Told ‘im that you’re a part of him.” Vic says looking at Robert, who looks away at that.

“You have all the time in the world now yeah? And nobody expects you to be completely back to normal again- either of ya’s.”

“You sure about that?” Robert mumbles and Aaron smiles at him weakly.

“Well I don’t.” Vic grins “don’t worry about anyone else yeah?”

“She’s right.” Aaron says, grabbing for Robert’s hand.

“I’ll see ya both soon alright?” She says as she kisses both of their cheeks before Aaron gives her a reassuring look- one that assures her that he’ll look after her brother, always.

Robert’s very quiet when they get back- remains that way as they sit through whatever’s on the telly.

As Aaron comes down the stairs, fresh from the shower, he can see that his husband hasn’t moved from the spot on the couch where he’s been sitting since they gotten back from Keeper’s. Aaron sighs, hopes that he’s made the right decision.

“Rob?” he sits down next to his husband, places a hand on his knee.

“Are you alright?”

Robert nods, trying a weak smile. Aaron knows he’s in his head, knows he’s probably troubled with memories from that place or riddled with the guilt he still feels from his actions.

“I’ve just called Rebecca. Asked her if it’s okay for Seb to stay with us next weekend.”

Robert’s eyes widen and he turns around to face Aaron properly.

“She is fine with it Robert. I can pick him up on Friday- or we can, whatever you want.” Robert’s gaze is now fixed on the picture of the both of them and Seb on the mantelpiece.

“Robert? I’m sorry did I overstep-”

“No, no.” Robert says, “the only reason I was still hesitant- kept putting it off was because I was scared- well I am scared. That sounds horrible doesn’t it? Putting off seeing my son- I didn’t mean it like that-”

“Robert. I know what you meant. He’ll be so excited to see ya I promise.”

Robert looks at him, doubt radiating off him.

“I know you’re afraid he won’t recognize you but I promise ya Rob, I wasn’t lying about that. He’s asked for you every visit. I’ve shown him pictures, mentioned your name all the time. It’s going to be fine.”

“I can’t wait.” Robert whispers and Aaron pulls his husband into his arms.

“Next weekend is going to be good.” He says.

“Like before.”

“Yeah like before.”

“Aaron?” Robert mumbles against his shoulder.

“Yeah?”

“This weekend was good as well. Thank you.”

“For what? I didn’t do anything?”

“Yeah you did” Robert says. “Thank you for looking after me. I saw it today too, how you kept making sure I was okay.”

“You don’t have to thank me for that Rob. I always will, look after you that is.” Aaron whispers, pressing a kiss to his husband’s shoulder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's nice to be able to refer to them as husbands again :)   
> thank you for reading x


	10. X

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> robert and aaron have a week of ups and downs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a long and quite angsty chapter to make up for the very long delay! i hope you enjoy
> 
> * tw for mentions of bruises and beatings (nothing too graphic though) but take care x

Any positivity he’d felt over the weekend seems to be gone even before Robert opens his eyes the next morning. It’s a harsh reminder that bad days can creep up on him without much notice beforehand.

He’s still in a state of drowsiness, eyes not quite open yet but he’s sure he hasn’t got the energy to face another day- let alone a whole new week. He hears Aaron in the shower and tries to muster up the courage to paint on a smile for when his husband comes back into their bedroom.

He tries to remember the nightmare he must have had- that anxious feeling still lingering but he can’t recall it- well not exactly anyway. It’s not hard to image what it must have been about. Robert sighs as he pushes his face into Aaron’s cushion, wants to bury himself some more but he hears how the shower stops and he has to wipe a hand across his face.

“Are you okay?” Aaron is immediately concerned, standing in front of him a lot sooner than Robert had anticipated. Aaron must be able to sense the fog that has wrapped itself around Robert’s mind, the way he’s staring numbly out of the window as he sits up in their bed.

“Yeah, yeah. You’re off to work then?” Robert asks, hopes his voice sounds somewhat normal and Aaron nods, although the younger man is clearly still worried.

“I can stay here.” Aaron says gently but Robert shakes his head. Part of him wants to cling to Aaron and take him up on that offer but another part of him- the bigger part needs Aaron to go. His husband will only get even more worried if he’s here clinging onto him as if he’s scared he’s going to disappear at any moment. He knows it means not seeing Aaron for the whole day as he’s got a scrap run scheduled.

“No you go. You have only just gone back.” Robert says, suddenly remembering how Aaron had actually only gone in half a day last week- not going back in before the weekend because he had to be there for him. He doesn’t want to hold Aaron up any more than he’s already done.

“Are you sure?” Robert nods wordlessly.

“Okay. I’ll call you a couple of times yeah? And please call me if you need _anything.”_

“It’ll be fine- and I will do, promise.” Robert says, trying very hard to keep a smile on his face.

“Right okay. I’ll see ya later then.” Aaron says, a sad smile on his face.

“See ya later.” Robert mumbles and Aaron gives him another concerned look before softly pressing his lips on Robert’s. Robert can’t help but smile into the kiss and has to stop himself from lingering too long.

“Look after yourself, _please_.” Aaron says as he kisses his forehead and drops another quick kiss on Robert’s lips. Robert gulps before nodding gently.

—

He doesn’t feel like himself- hasn’t in months but the feeling has suddenly become a lot stronger, stronger than it had been the last two weeks. He imagines telling Aaron he wants to see a counsellor, can practically see how happy that would make the younger man but it still scares Robert. He had sessions with a therapist in prison, not many but a few and they were okay, tough but okay. He felt like he got something out of those sessions even if the slightest progress he made seemed to fade away as soon as he got back into his cell. The same therapist urged him to seek help outside prison and to see his GP for medication that could help him get used to life outside prison again, that could make things easier for him.

 _Just another thing he hadn’t told Aaron about._ Robert has no idea what his husband’s reaction would be to Robert getting prescription meds for his brain- then again he did know. It’d be a reaction of deep worry along with relief that Robert would finally get help but he just didn’t want the worry part, didn’t want to add to his husband’s concerns and anxieties even more.

Robert’s thoughts drift off to Friday, when he’ll be seeing his little boy. He’s excited while also dreading it at the same time. He’ll be directly faced with his failure and his broken promises to his son. He’d left Seb when he’d promised to never let him down.

He feels like this often nowadays- indifferent and numb while simultaneously feeling this sense of anxiety that’s constantly awake inside of him.

—

Somehow he manages to get through the day. He’s cooking tea when Aaron comes through the door. Robert can see how the younger man practically lights up at the sight of Robert doing something other than staring into space.

“Hiya.” Robert whispers, suddenly feeling almost shy. He’s still unable to process what he feels when he sees just how much Aaron loves him.

“Hiya. Smells good that. Did you have a good day?” Aaron’s asking as he comes towards him. He kisses his cheek and Robert leans into it. He can only nod, changes the topic quickly. “How about you?”

“’T was alright I suppose. What did ya get up to then?” Clearly Aaron isn’t getting the memo.

“Not much really.” Robert responds half shrugging.

“Okay.” Aaron says carefully, “but you’re alright?”

“All good.” Robert says as he finally looks at his husband again.

It’s awkward for a few seconds as Aaron just nods but then he places his hand on the small of Robert’s back. “I was thinking-“ he starts cautiously and Robert feels his heart rate quickening.

“Yeah?”

“Do you want to go to the pub tonight? Just for a drink. You don’t have to say yeah-“

It wasn’t what Robert was expecting him to say. He looks at the tomatoes in front of him before looking back up at his husband who’s staring at him questioningly- biting his lips anxiously.

“Rob- we don’t have to go. I don’t want to push you I just thought-“

“No- it’s fine. We can go.”

“Yeah? Only if you’re sure. I didn’t mean to spring this on you like this.”

“It’s fine, honestly. I have to show my face at some point haven’t I?”

“I suppose- but only if you’re up to it.” Aaron’s still biting his lip, looking at him concerned.

“I am.”

The pub means many familiar faces who know all about him and where he’s been for the last few months. He doesn’t want to answer all their questions or respond to their well meant well wishes but at the same time he longs for that bit of familiarity- just him and his husband having a drink at the pub. He can do it- for himself but most of all for Aaron. The younger man deserves a husband who’s normal- who wants to leave the house and go out with him for a drink.

—

Robert’s staring into his pint as if that will be enough to keep all the villagers away from him.

They’re huddled together in a booth at the back of the pub. Robert notices how Chas keeps glancing at him every few seconds- tries to get used to it. Him and Chas are alright, sort of anyway- so he tries to ignore it best as he can.

To his surprise they haven’t been hassled much at all since they got here- maybe that’s what Chas’ glances are about- maybe she’s sending them to everyone who shows signs of wanting to approach them. Robert has no idea really, because he only looks at his husband or his drink while trying to ignore everything else that’s going on around him.

“You alright?” Aaron says, he’s asked this question about a hundred times already, each time phrased a little differently.

Robert nods and squeezes his hand that’s been on Robert’s thigh ever since they’ve been sitting here.

He wants to ask Aaron if this is enough, is pretty sure that this is not what his husband had envisioned when he suggested going to the pub- having someone who’s not saying anything as company. He stops himself from asking the question though- not sure if that’s because he’s scared of the answer or because he’s fed up of making Aaron sad and worried.

As Robert lifts his head up, _finally_ glances around the pub- there is a familiar face who’s staring straight at him and before anyone can do anything Jimmy’s yelling-

_“Robert!”_

Aaron’s head whips up like he’s just been shaken out of his thoughts. He looks at Robert with wide eyes. Robert just squeezes his eyes shut before plastering on a smile. To make matters worse, Nicola is there as well.

Robert likes Jimmy and Nicola, he does. He considers them friends but pretending that he’s okay is _exhausting_ though being honest- being openly vulnerable isn’t an option either.

“Robert mate! How are you? We were expecting you to come round. It’s so good to see you!”

 _“Jimmy.”_ Nicola mumbles, seemingly having a bit more tact. “It’s good to see you out and about Robert. How are you?” She actually sounds sincere and Robert smiles.

“I’m good- thank you.” Robert mumbles. “It’s good to see you both.” He feels Aaron’s hand squeezing his knee.

“We’ll leave you both to it.” Nicola says and Robert feels lighter as he sees how Jimmy looks almost upset at that- as if he really wants to spend time with Robert. He surprises himself as he hears himself saying that they should go for a drink soon, catch up.

“We can talk about the business as well.”

“Don’t worry about work yet Robert.” Nicola says gently. “You obviously have a job there when you’re ready but take your time.”

Robert nods although he knows he’ll be back at work soon, can’t stand doing nothing much longer.

“But a drink sounds great.” Jimmy interrupts, a bright smile on his face.

Robert smiles back at them and then they are gone. Aaron’s smiling at him like he’s proud. Robert feels himself blushing.

“You want another drink?” Robert asks “I’ll go get them.” Aaron looks surprised but he recovers quickly and nods, still smiling at him so proudly.

—

He’s waiting for Chas to get their drinks when he suddenly wishes he hadn’t offered to do this. He sees Chas’ reaction at the sound of the door swinging open before he glances over his shoulder and sees who it is.

Paddy’s face falls the second he sees him and Robert’s pretty sure his face does the same. He has to take hold of the bar to keep upright- scared that there’s going to be a scene.

It’s at this moment that Aaron looks back at Robert and sees what’s going on. He stands up and walks over to him, a hand on his back- strong and grounding.

“Hi Paddy.” The younger man says and Robert decides to let his husband do the talking- he’s waited too long to say anything anyway. And it’s not as if Paddy seems to be planning on talking to him.

“Didn’t expect to see you in here- it’s not like you’ve come to see us before.”

“I’ve seen mum- so has Robert.”

Paddy sneers nastily and whenever he’s like this it still manages to shock Robert- mostly used to the man just being clumsily.

 _“Robert._ So you’re back again. Aaron, I’m telling you now- it won’t be long until me and your mum are picking up the pieces again- when Robert makes your life a misery, _again._ ”

Robert staggers back in shock- almost falling into Aaron’s chest as he does so. But Paddy’s on a roll, keeps talking- this time addressing Robert.

“I don’t see how you can say you love him- when you abandoned him the way you did. Bet you couldn’t believe your luck when Aaron took you back- one day he’ll stop Robert.”

Robert can sense the many emotions radiating of his husband. Both Aaron’s hands are on his waist- Robert feels how the younger man tightens his grip for a few seconds before letting go and going to stand in front of Robert.

Robert can only think about how much he hates this- hates how they are in the pub, how they have a whole audience witnessing this- how they are part of something _so_ painful.

“Don’t you even dare talk to him like that.” Aaron hisses and if Aaron wasn’t taking hold of Robert’s hand, he’d stagger back even more. He’s not sure if he’s ever heard Aaron talk to Paddy quite like this. Robert can hear the tears in his husband’s voice but he still manages to sound so strong.

Chas’ eyes are widening _. “Aaron.”_

“No, don’t Aaron me. I’m so sick of you two thinking you can say anything to- and about Robert. And especially _you_.” Aaron’s looking at Paddy now.

“I love him- I love him so much. We’ve been through so much- good and bad but I’ll always want him. What Robert did- it was all for me, he was putting me first. He would have never done the right thing in your eyes because I don’t know if you ever realised this- but if Robert hadn’t given himself up I wouldn’t be standing here right now- I would be somewhere in France with him- never able to come back. And if he would have let me- I would have moved to the Isle of Wight, just to be near him.”

Robert doesn’t know where to look- so he just stares at a spot on Aaron’s shoulder, squeezes his hand tightly.

“I love him- and I’m with him and I always will be. I’m never letting him out of my sight ever again- and if you don’t like that then that’s not my problem, and it’s _definitely_ not Robert’s. If you continue to treat Robert as anything less than the love of my life I don’t want you near us.”

Robert feels like choking as he lets Aaron’s words wash over him.

“I think we’re done here.” Aaron says as he turns around, still holding Robert’s hand.

“Good for you lad.” Robert suddenly hears and there’s Cain. _Cain Dingle_ who’s all smiles for the both of them. He’s reminded of Aaron telling him how Cain was the only one who seemed to get Aaron’s loss- who really helped him.

He’s not even sure where Aaron’s uncle came from but here he is standing next to them. He squeezes Aaron’s shoulder before turning towards Robert.

“You alright Sugden? You’re lucky to have that one.” He says as he nods towards Aaron.

“I know.” Robert chokes out, he’s not even sure how he’s managing to speak right now he’s that overwhelmed. Aaron notices, of course he does.

“We’re heading home. _Our_ home.” Aaron says before addressing Cain “thanks for everything Cain, honestly.”

Robert wishes he was able to speak properly, wants to thank Cain for being there for Aaron when he couldn’t be.

Aaron tugs Robert to the door and he can feel the way the whole pub watches them go.

He finds he doesn’t even mind that much.

After all, there are worse things they could have witnessed than Aaron’s overwhelming love for him.

They don’t talk about it straight away. Aaron’s quiet after his outburst and if it wasn’t for the way his husband kept smiling at him softly, Robert would be worried that he regretted his outburst.

They sip their teas on the couch, the drinks they left untouched in the pub long forgotten. As Robert once again goes over the events of the evening in his head, he feels Aaron moving even closer towards him.

“Are you okay?” He whispers, searching Robert’s face.

“I am. What about you though?”

Aaron shrugs before nodding. “I’m fine.”

“I’ve never seen you like that- not with Paddy.” Robert whispers, can’t let go of that thought.

Aaron face falls at that before he scrambles for Robert’s hand. “I should have been like that before though- ages ago.”

Robert frowns but says nothing, giving his husband the time to gather his thoughts.

“When you were gone.“ Aaron says, and Robert knows that he’s going to hear more about that part of Aaron’s life that he wasn’t part of.

“Because of what he and your mum said about me? They weren’t wrong though Aaron.”

Aaron shakes his head. “Don’t say that.”

They’ve had this conversation many times now but Robert can’t believe anything else. He _knows_ Paddy and Chas aren’t his biggest fans, and really- they have good reason.

“You don’t know what it was like.” Aaron snaps.

Robert opens his mouth before closing it again. Aaron’s told him stuff but he’s right. He wasn’t there- he doesn’t know.

Aaron sighs. “It’s started before you were even sentenced. I haven’t told you this before because just thinking about that time- that day makes me feel sick.”

Robert feels his heart sink. “Aaron, what are you talking about?”

Aaron looks pale as if thinking about what he’s about to tell him genuinely makes him feel ill.

“After you called me- at the station and told me you were charged I uh- I wanted to break you out. I called Billy asking him to help me do it.”

“Aaron-“ Robert feels sick, he can’t believe he didn’t know anything about this but then again how could he?

“No, let me tell you this. Billy- he didn’t want to help me and then he told Paddy. I was on my way getting my passport at the scrapyard when Liv lied to me- said he, Paddy, was having a heart attack back at the Mill. He wasn’t, obviously, but then- he locked me in.”

Aaron has this faraway gaze on his face, as if he’s trying to remove himself from the conversation. Robert’s seen it on his face many times recently- it’s there whenever Aaron tells him something new about the time they were separated. He knows that same pain is etched on his own face when he tells Aaron about things he’s been through.

Robert gulps. “Aaron, what do you mean- locked you in?”

“He locked all the doors, every window to make sure I couldn’t get out- that I couldn’t break you out.”

Robert is shaking his head, can’t stop himself imagining what would have happened if Paddy hadn’t done that.

“Aaron- it’s dangerous. You could have been caught.”

“Would have been worth it. Because then at least I would have been able to try and help ya. It’s why I didn’t ask Cain for help- so that my mum still had him if I got caught.”

Robert’s eyes are filling with tears and he watches how they are already streaming down his husband’s face. “But I wanted you safe.” It’s all he can choke out.

“Well so did I- I wanted _you_ safe, not in there.” Aaron counters and Robert tries to battle through the pain he’s feeling, hopes that there will be a time when they’ve said everything there is to say about that time, everything there’s to tell. He knows it’s all his fault that there’s even so much to talk about, but he can’t help but wish that sometime soon they will be able to have a full day without having to talk about that awful time in their lives.

“What happened then?” He whispers and Aaron frowns at him before getting what he’s asking.

“Nothing. Paddy said that I could try everything- even hurt him but he wouldn’t let me out. They didn’t understand- him and Liv, and my mum- they just didn’t understand. I told ‘im that he still had his life, that we had been robbed of ours.” Aaron sniffs, wiping at his face angrily.

Robert doesn’t know how long he can stand any of this. Any of Aaron’s pain, pain that he’s caused. Robert did rob them both of the lives they could have had. He feels sick, sick with sadness and guilt- wonders if he will ever not feel like that- if there will be a day that he can forgive himself for what he did.

“I’m so sorry. Aaron, I’m sorry.” Robert also wonders how sick Aaron is of hearing him apologize. The damage has already been done hasn’t it?

Aaron’s just shaking his head, not quite looking at him.

“It was awful. When I told Paddy that- that we’d lost our lives together he said you killed a man, as if I didn’t know- as if I cared about that.” Aaron frowns at his own words and Robert can understand that- it must sound insane to others but he knows what Aaron means. Despite his insecurities, he knows Aaron doesn’t look at him and sees a murderer.

“I was so- depressed I guess. Not only did they stop me from helping you- from wanting to do what I wanted. They also just didn’t understand- didn’t want to. They’ve known you for years- know how much I love ya and they just didn’t care.”

Aaron’s sobbing now and Robert’s heart is breaking, he’s surprised that there’s even something left of it.

“Aaron-“ Robert doesn’t even know what to do, what to say to make any of this better for Aaron. It doesn’t matter though because Aaron’s holding out his arms and Robert just falls into them even though he knows he doesn’t deserve to.

“I love you so much.” Aaron sobs and the pain in Robert’s chest is so heavy but he holds on. He holds on to Aaron’s waist and just lets him cry, finally shedding his own tears as well.

When Aaron seems a bit calmer he starts speaking again.

“He was badmouthing you- tried to turn me against ya as if that would ever work. He was trying to make me realise that he was doing the right thing. He said the most awful things- also the most ridiculous things. Said we would resent each other if we got away because of everything we had to give up. As if that wasn’t our first plan anyway- before you gave yourself up. It’s like all those years of seeing us together just didn’t happen- he really thought I could stop loving you or something. It’s why I said all that in the pub- that he doesn’t seem to understand that if we’d ran away together in the first place he would have never had the change to stop me- they would have probably never seen me again. It’s so stupid- what you did kept me with them but they still badmouth you? He made you out to be some heartless murderer- called you selfish. He said-“

Aaron stops himself, choking on the words and Robert can’t even imagine what he’s about to say next. He always knew Paddy didn’t really like him, feels silly for even believing that there had been a time that he was okay with him, that he accepted him and Aaron. Robert can’t say he blames him after some of the things he’s done but what Aaron’s telling him now- he never thought Paddy would do that. Even when he knew that they were over, when Aaron was in the worst headspace he tried to turn him against Robert. It hurts in a way it shouldn’t. Because Robert knows Aaron loves him but now he knows quite how unwanted he is by his family-

Robert sniffs and Aaron looks at him- touches his cheek. “Never believed any of it.”

“I didn’t think he’d do that.” Robert says, voice barely there. Aaron squeezes his eyes shut and Robert knows he’s about to tell him more.

“He said that you didn’t value our marriage half as much as I do. That it wasn’t love- what you did. Then I nearly went for Paddy and he used that- saying that I’d lashed out because I knew he was right. Then it was over really- I just stopped trying.”

Robert feels nothing- he let the words wash over him and now he just feels numb. Aaron had to listen to all that before he was even moved to the Isle of Wight, before he really abandoned him- and he’s still here, holding him.

“Robert-please.” Aaron’s voice breaks a bit more and Robert can feel his heart doing the same. “Please look at me. I never believed any of it for even a second. Deep down I always knew why you did it, I’ve told ya that haven’t I? I know how much you love me.”

“I- our marriage means everything to me. It’s- you’re my world Aaron.” Robert can’t help the way he cries now. He doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to make some of Aaron’s family see that.

“I know Rob- I know. Please don’t cry. I’m so sorry- I didn’t want to upset you like this.”

“You had to tell me all of this- I understand that.”

Aaron nods, tears still streaming down his face. “It’s all I think about when I see Paddy now, and when I saw you two at the bar together- I needed to protect ya- couldn’t have him say any of that to you. It’s why I made sure he stayed away from us when you got back. But now I’ve still told ya everything he said-“

“At least I now know what I’m up against eh?” Robert says, trying to lift the mood ever so slightly but it isn’t working. Aaron still looks devastated and Robert feels like he’s been hallowed out.

“You’re not up against anything. I won’t have him in our lives like this. Even if he apologizes, in a genuine way- it will never be the same again but I don’t care. You’re far too important, I won’t have you feeling uncomfortable just so he can still be in my life- not after everything he’s said about you.”

Robert nods, sniffs. He can’t stop thinking about what Paddy said, that he didn’t-doesn’t value his marriage to Aaron. “It’s not true though, what he said. You do know that don’t you?” He can’t help but ask.

“Shh. Don’t even- I know that.” Aaron says softly, pressing his face into Robert’s hair.

“After that- I pretended I was fine. When Liv and Paddy were sure I wasn’t about to break a window they started acting differently. Said I could visit ya anytime. It was weird. I still wanted to break you out but it was too late by then. Then I just started worrying about you getting hurt in there.”

Robert gulps, doesn’t want the conversation to shift to him just yet. “I think he just wanted you to see that he was doing the right thing, locking you up so you couldn’t do anything stupid.”

“Don’t defend him. Yeah, he probably exaggerated for that purpose but he still said it- _to me_. You’re my husband Robert, he knows how much I love ya and he still tried to turn me against ya like that, thinking it would actually work.”

“But it didn’t.” Robert says, tries to not make it sound like a question.

“It didn’t.” Aaron confirms.

—

Robert sighs as takes his eyes off the ceiling and switches to staring at his husband instead. Paddy’s words won’t leave him even though he _knows_ that Aaron didn’t believe any of them- not then and not now.

Aaron worried how everything he’d said would affect Robert but he assured the younger man that it was fine. He’s fine, _he is_ but it is hard- knowing that someone who’s so close to Aaron can do that. Robert thinks about the way Aaron kept asking him whether he was okay after they had finally left the couch and went about the rest of their evening.

Now the younger man is sleeping soundly next to him, the events of the evening having taken its toll on him.

Robert reaches out to take Aaron’s hand carefully, needs to remind himself that Aaron loves him, wants him here. He shuts his eyes, hopes he’ll soon drift off to sleep.

“Are you sure you want to do this? We can postpone you know?”

Robert feels his husband’s hand on his back. He sighs “I’m sure. I want to see Seb, as soon as possible.”

The both of them are standing in Hotten’s toy store, looking for the perfect present to give Seb when he comes over this weekend. Aaron sacked off work for the day for the occasion although Robert knows it’s really because he didn’t want to leave Robert alone after the revelations of yesterday. Robert isn’t complaining, he’s grateful for the distraction.

“What do you think he’d like? I don’t know- I don’t know him.”

“Yes, you do.” Aaron sighs, rubbing his back gently. “There’s just a ridiculous amount to choose from. What about this?”

Aaron’s holding a box filled with little toy cars and bits of road. It looks like it’s part of a whole collection.

“Makes it easy for us too, we can buy him other bits of the collection for all sorts of occasions.”

Robert nods, smiling gently. He takes the box from Aaron, inspects it. “What if he already has something like this?”

Aaron shrugs. “So many of these toys are the same but even if he has, he can leave it with us and play with it whenever he’s staying over.”

Robert nods. “You’re right, sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for. I know you’re worried about this weekend but it will be fine, I promise.”

“Thank you.” Robert mumbles, thinks of kissing Aaron’s cheek before deciding not to. He’s never really had a problem with PDA but ever since he left prison he’s more aware of other people watching him, trying to catch him out.

Aaron smiles at him. “Now all we need is a new teddy and then we’re done here.”

Aaron wasn’t wrong to be worried about Paddy’s words affecting Robert. Not that he blames Aaron for telling him about it- not at all. At least now he knows exactly how Paddy treated Aaron when he was gone and what the man really thinks of him. It’s just that he can’t exactly forget his words.

Robert’s sitting on their bed, staring out of the window. He’s contemplating cancelling his drink with Jimmy but then he decides that going out might do him good. He’s fresh out of the shower but instead of getting into a pair of jeans he’s put his joggers back on.

He’s done nothing useful today. He managed to convince Aaron to go to the scrapyard so it’s been another quiet day for him on his own. It’s probably what made him pick up the phone to ask Jimmy for that drink. He asked Aaron to come too but the younger man doesn’t want to intrude on their business talk, apparently.

_(“Robert- I want to be by your side every minute of every day but I know you’ll be fine on your own. After all, Jimmy’s more your friend than mine.”)_

And Robert couldn’t exactly argue with that.

So now he’s sitting cross-legged on the bed dressed in only his joggers.

As he touches his face he feels wetness there, frowns. There’s this sadness overwhelming him which is making his heart feel like it’s actually breaking. He’s not sure why it’s breaking- he thinks it’s just a mixture of absolutely _everything._ The memories of prison that never leave him- the months he spent on his own, lost in his head. Then there’s the pain that Aaron’s gone through- the pain Robert put him through which is slowly but surely coming to light in the most heart-wrenching ways. Robert still feels undeserving of everything Aaron’s giving him, love, forgiveness and patience.

He wipes away the tears that are falling down his face. Maybe the sadness and hopelessness make sense but Robert just wants to get rid of it. He once again thinks about his counsellor in prison, his recommendation, the prescriptions that could possibly make things easier for him, _for Aaron._ Even when he feels completely numb it’s hard not to notice Aaron’s expression when he sees Robert like that, the way his voice breaks. Robert doesn’t always register it but he knows it’s there.

He hears the bedroom door opening before he can do anything about it. He can’t believe he’s been this stupid.

He hears Aaron’s intake of breath, squeezes his eyes shut.

“Rob- oh my-“ It’s enough for Robert to know that his husband has seen the bruises.

Aaron’s standing in front of him, clearly debating whether he can touch him.

“Aaron, it’s okay.”

The younger man’s eyes are filling with tears. He’s shaking his head.

“You kept those from me. You-“

Robert moves so he has his feet on the ground- can practically reach out to touch his husband but Aaron staggers back ever so slightly.

“Aaron-“

“And I just didn’t notice? Did I hurt you?”

“What? No, of course you didn’t-”

“No- I mean I didn’t know you had those, we slept next to each other- I touched ya.”

“You didn’t.”

“How could I not notice.” Aaron just keeps rambling. He looks so upset and Robert hates this. He tries to remember why he thought hiding the bruises was a good idea in the first place. He thinks this has made it worse- Aaron having to find out like this because Robert didn’t cover himself up in time.

“Aaron, I just didn’t want to upset you. I’m okay, honest.”

Aaron’s eyes move from his face to his chest, stomach and ribs- all of which are covered in yellow and greenish bruises.

Robert wants to tell his husband that it’s really not as bad as it looks. He thinks about the unfortunate timing of the beating, how it was so close to his release date.

Robert stands up, watches how Aaron’s eyes move to his face again.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell ya. I didn’t know how to. Really, it’s not that bad.”

“Why did you hide them then?” Aaron whispers as he reaches out gently, watching Robert carefully to see if it’s okay for him to do so. Aaron’s fingertips are cold on his skin.

“Cause they look bad- because I didn’t want to worry you and.. I suppose I just didn’t want to think about it.”

Aaron nods, moving his fingers ever so lightly over Robert’s skin.

“Do they still hurt?”

“No- well not really. Only when I press on them or with some movements but overall not really.”

Aaron sniffs. “Will you tell me about it- at some point when you’re ready?”

Robert nods, eyes searching Aaron. “I will- promise.”

Aaron smiles weakly, it doesn’t sit right on his face. He walks over to their wardrobe, starts touching all Robert’s shirts.

“What are you gonna wear then?”

Robert frowns, tries not to worry about the way Aaron has so quickly pushed down his own concern in favour of concentrating on Robert’s evening to the pub. He appreciates Aaron’s patience, the way he’s willing to wait for answers but he can only imagine being in Aaron’s position- he’d want to know. He’d be worried out of his mind.

Instead he answers Aaron’s question. “Uh, I’m not sure really.”

—

“Robert, mate? Are you alright?”

When Robert blinks away the blurriness he’s faced with Jimmy’s frowning expression.

“Sorry. Uh Jimmy, do you mind if I head home now? I’ve got a bit of a headache coming on.” It’s a lie but Robert suddenly has the overwhelming desire to get out of the pub, to check up on his husband, to be with him.

Ever since he got to the pub he had felt this niggling feeling of guilt. He shouldn’t have left Aaron alone after he found out about Robert’s bruises, after the confirmation that Robert had definitely been hurt in prison- he knew how that had been one of his husband’s biggest fears.

“Yeah sure. You’re alright other than that yeah?”

“I’m fine.” Robert says, smiling. None of this is Jimmy’s fault. Robert had actually missed listening to him rambling on about god knows what but he’s just not in the right headspace to spend time with anyone other than Aaron right now.

“I’ll see you next week then yeah? At work.” Robert says as he shrugs on his coat.

“If you’re sure you’re ready for it then I look forward to it.”

“Otherwise not?” Robert jokes but Jimmy doesn’t seem to get it. Robert shakes his head.

“It was good to see you again Jimmy.”

Jimmy is all smiles at that and before he can stop him the man’s hugging him.

“Oh.” Robert can’t help the surprised sound he makes.

“I’m so glad you’re okay Robert, really.”

“Cheers Jimmy.” Robert says before he finally gets to hurry home. 

***

Aaron sniffs, wiping his hand roughly across his face. He thinks of all the hours he spent worrying about Robert getting hurt in there.. and he was right to worry. His husband had been back where he belongs for a little less than a month and all that time Aaron hadn’t known. He believed Robert when he said that they didn’t hurt that much anymore but that didn’t mean that Aaron wasn’t heartbroken that Robert had kept them from him, that he had them in the first place.

In a way Aaron was glad that Robert had still wanted to meet Jimmy at the pub, it gave him the time he needed to gather his thoughts, calm himself down. He needs to be there for Robert when he gets back, needs to accept it if his husband still doesn’t want to talk about what happened. He also needs to be able to resist the temptation to get Robert to tell him exactly who it was that had hurt him, to keep himself from hunting them down, no matter how impossible and pointless that would be.

He looks around the kitchen, notices how he’s sitting at the table in total darkness. As he flicks on some lights he imagines the rest of the year- one where they get to celebrate Seb’s birthday and Christmas, _together._ It makes him feel slightly more positive, imagines the darker evenings that are to come in a few months, ones that he gets to spend with his husband. The pain will be less by then, the hard conversations all done. They will get there, Aaron knows they will.

He’s about to make himself another cup of tea when he hears someone shuffling to the front door, _Robert._

Aaron’s not sure how long he’s been on his own for, how long he’s been lost in his thoughts.

“Rob?” Aaron says as he checks his husband all over, tries to find out whether something happened at the pub.

“Hiya.” Robert whispers.

“You weren’t gone long, were you?”

Robert shakes his head. “Nah, missed ya. I wanted to come home.”

Aaron bites his lip, hopes he isn’t going to cry. Just looking at Robert reminds him of what he saw earlier.

Robert walks over to him, only stops when he’s right in front of him. He takes his hands and Aaron looks up at him.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have gone out. We should have talked about it straight away.”

“You hid them for a reason Robert, and I get it.” Because Aaron does, how many times has he tried to hide his pain from Robert in the past?

Robert says nothing to that, just nods absently.

“Upstairs?” Aaron asks, knows that if they are going to talk about anything tonight it will be in their bedroom- a place where Robert feels safest, most comfortable.

He watches his husband nod, eyes sincere.

Aaron’s holding Robert towards his chest, carding his fingers through his blonde hair as he listens to him speak.

_I kept my head down- really I did. And it worked out most of the time but there were times I couldn’t keep my smart mouth to myself, most of the time I didn’t even realise I’d said something that wasn’t going to be received well._

Part of Aaron aches as Robert tells him that he never really fought back, that he didn’t push or punch back. Aaron’s always known his husband isn’t a fighter despite what people think of him, especially now he’s been in prison. Aaron knows Robert’s mouth and words are what gets him into danger most. Part of him is glad Robert managed to keep his own hands to himself, it could have had him hurt more or added even more time to his sentence.

Aaron tries not to think of Robert with a swollen eye, a cut lip. According to his husband that was _‘all’_ he ended up with. That, and many bruises from being pushed around. Despite what Robert says, Aaron thinks it’s a lot, considering his husband hadn’t even spent a whole year inside.

_These bruises, the ones you saw- they’re mostly new. But older ones didn’t always heal right, especially when I got punched again soon after._

Aaron can’t see Robert’s face but he knows there’s a small smile there, one that’s supposed to mask his pain, his memories.

“Was any of it because of us? Because of the photos on your wall?”

Robert is quiet for a few seconds before he’s shaking his head best as he can in Aaron’s arms.

“Not sure- maybe. Like I said, I did have a cell to myself but of course, word gets round. I don’t regret it though.”

Aaron feels tears pooling in his eyes, still speechless at Robert’s bravery.

“Think it would have been worse though if it had been because of that. But then again I guess it helped that I tried to stay away from any communal spaces. It’s why I managed to keep my head down, most of the time. I did some cooking, spent time in the library and that was really it.”

Aaron buries his face in Robert’s hair, tries to hide away from the sadness he feels. He wishes that Robert never had to experience prison, he might not have had the same experience as Aaron (thank god) but it has left a mark on Robert, one he probably won’t ever get rid of.

“I was a real loser in there.” Robert tries to joke, Aaron’s not sure how he can and once again he finds himself admiring his husband’s strength.

“Maybe it was all the hiding that made me hated in there- I mean they never saw me at the pool table or anything like that.”

Aaron smiles weakly. “I’m glad you were a loser then, glad you were safe- most of the time.”

Robert looks up at him and Aaron meets his eyes. Aaron gently runs his finger across the older man’s face.

After a few more minutes of silence Robert starts speaking again as Aaron continues to run his fingers through his hair- it seems to have a calming effect on his husband.

“I saw a counsellor of sorts, inside.”

“Yeah?” Aaron responds carefully.

Robert nods gently “he said that it could be something that I’d continue on the outside- with someone else obviously, but yeah- talking to someone.”

Aaron takes in the information, feeling both sadness and relief at Robert’s words. Relief because he really wants his husband to talk to someone who isn’t him, he’s wanted Robert to try that long before he even went inside. But he’s also sad because he knows that Robert has always been so hesitant about stuff like that, feels like he doesn’t deserve that kind of help or something- thinks that he will be seen as weak because of it.

Before Aaron can try to communicate his thoughts Robert speaks again. “He also said I could see a GP about medication, to help me.”

Aaron knows that it’s taking Robert a lot to be able to talk about this. Robert isn’t one to go to the doctors- not unless his leg is hanging off really. He doesn’t know what to say, doesn’t want to push Robert or say something that would make him clam up.

“What do you think?” He asks gently.

Robert doesn’t say anything for a long while but then he shifts his head slightly- tries to look into Aaron’s eyes.

“I think it might help. I think I want to try it.”

“That’s good Robert. I know it’s scary but if it’s gonna help ya.. it’s worth it don’t ya think?”

“I want to be the best I can be, I don’t want that place in my life anymore. I don’t want it defining me.”

“It doesn’t.” Aaron can’t have Robert thinking that. “It’s left its mark, yeah. But you’re so much more Robert- so much more. It will have changed things but that’s okay. And yeah reaching out, asking for help will make it much easier to cope with all the memories.”

“I don’t know where to start though.” Robert whispers and Aaron can hear that sense of hopelessness in his voice again.

Aaron tightens his arms around Robert. “I’ll help ya I promise. We’re in this together.” He thinks of the times that he was suffering, when Robert promised him that they were getting help together- now it’s his turn to support his husband like that.

“You say the word Robert- I’ll be there as much as you want me to.” Aaron knows that there are probably going to be moments or even days that Robert will want to be left alone. He’ll do whatever Robert needs.

“How about tomorrow- we look for therapists together? I have some numbers but you might find others online that seem better suited.” The first step is really the hardest, Aaron knows that- it’s why he wants to do it right.

“I’m so proud of you Robert.”

“Haven’t done anything.”

“You have.” It’s all Aaron says. He doesn’t have to acknowledge how hard all of this is for Robert, his husband knows that he knows.

“If you have a therapist you can talk to, they might also help you with and talk you through prescriptions.” Aaron wants to make all of this the least bit daunting for Robert. “You can do all of this in steps.”

“Thank you.” Robert says softly. “I couldn’t do any of this without ya you know? Thank you- for forgiving me and-“

“Hey, none of that. I love you- more than anything. There’s nothing to forgive Rob.” He’s said that before and he’ll keep saying it until Robert gets it. He doesn’t want Robert to think that the past seven months have changed Aaron’s love for him in any way- that there is a universe in which Aaron didn’t want Robert anymore after what he did. All Robert did was love him, love him so much that he was willing to sacrifice it all- willing to face 14 lonely years. And Aaron loves him just as much, if anything he loves him _even_ more now- if that’s even possible.

When Aaron looks at Robert all he can think about is how he would do anything for him- and Robert’s actions, they only proved that the older man thinks exactly the same when he looks at Aaron.

“Love you.” Robert mumbles, clearly having trouble keeping his eyes open. He nuzzles his face into Aaron’s neck and Aaron can feel the soft smile on his face. Robert seems content and calm and Aaron keeps carding his fingers through his soft hair. He’s relieved that his husband can fall asleep like this tonight, that their conversation has been enough to keep Robert’s anxiety at bay for a night.

Aaron’s pottering around in the kitchen, trying to concentrate on this meal he’s supposed to be making. Robert offered to do the cooking but Aaron doesn’t want to separate him and Seb- not when they are finally together again.

As he’s waiting for the food to heat up, he goes back to staring at the two of them. Robert is sitting on the floor with Seb, both of them surrounded by toys. It’s like Robert wants to make up for lost time in just a couple of hours, watching Seb play with every toy he owns.

The initial plan was to drive to Liverpool and pick Seb up but because Ross and Rebecca had planned a weekend away at the Yorkshire coast, it seemed easier for them to bring Seb over. Aaron has no idea how they’re going to deal with Seb going again on Sunday, but he tries not to think about that yet. New plans and arrangements just have to be made.

To their credit, Rebecca and Ross didn’t stay long- they seemed to understand that this was an important moment for the three of them and they quickly left them to it. Aaron had seen how that surprised Robert, as if he didn’t think they would trust him. Aaron hated that Robert doubted whether he was good enough for Seb, he was his dad- and an amazing one at that.

Seb quickly lifted Robert’s mood though, the little boy walking in to see Robert crouched on the floor and walking straight over to him, a toothy smile lightening up his face. It was all that it took for Robert to finally believe that Seb hadn’t forgotten him.

Aaron could tell that Robert couldn’t stop thinking about how lucky he was, he kept staring at his little boy as if to remind himself that he was going to see him grow up, that he hadn’t missed too much. It was also a good thing that Seb was still so little. They told him that daddy Robert had to go away for a bit but that he was back now, forever. The little boy seemed to understand that and accepted about a hundred hugs from both of them.

When Seb had gone down for a nap in the afternoon, Aaron had reassured Robert that they could talk about it all when Seb was older, if he wanted to know more or ask questions. For now it was about spending time together. Seb was happy, that was all that mattered.

After they had both gotten Seb ready for bed, a routine that took a lot longer than it should- the both of them revelling in having their son with them again, they sat on the couch sipping their last brew before bed.

The day had been hectic and Aaron hadn’t had much chance to check up on how Robert was feeling. His husband had been wearing a smile on his face all day, using all his energy to make Seb happy. Only now the exhaustion was clear on his face.

“How are you feeling?” Aaron asks softly.

Robert looks at him, blinking gently- a soft smile on his face. “Good, tired but good. Today was.. just amazing. Thank you.”

Aaron’s smiling before he frowns. “What for?”

“Being you- being amazing. If you hadn’t fought for Seb, sorted your head out and made Rebecca see that you are his dad too- then things would be different now you know that don’t you? He wouldn’t recognize this place anymore. He feels safe and at home here, that’s because of you.”

Aaron gulps, doesn’t know what to say. He’d never really thought of it like that.

“Well like you said, I’m his dad- we’re his dads.”

Robert nods, eyes glazing over a little.

“Today was perfect. Whenever Seb came over- it just wasn’t the same without you. It got better over time but at first- when you were still at Hotten prison, it was really hard to see him without you. Giving him birthday presents while you were locked up.”

Robert wipes his face and Aaron knows he’s about to apologize again.

“Don’t. We’re together again yeah? And the next two days are going to be perfect too.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. But only if we get some sleep now. Tomorrow is going to be a full day of entertaining Seb at the zoo.”

Robert grins at that. “Can’t wait. Let’s go then.” He stands up and takes Aaron’s hand, leading him upstairs.


	11. XI

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> aaron supports robert throughout his first weeks of counselling.

Aaron presses a kiss to Robert’s head, watches how the older man keeps staring ahead absently. Aaron sighs, he knows that in a few hours Robert will have shaken himself out of this state but that doesn’t make it less hard for Aaron to see his husband like this. He wants to leave Robert to it but then his husband grabs his wrist. Robert says nothing, just strokes Aaron’s skin there with his thumb, it’s enough. Aaron knows it’s Robert’s way of letting him know that he’s grateful. When Robert lets go, Aaron walks back into the kitchen and grabs Robert’s book from the kitchen table. He then walks back over to the couch and places the book in front of Robert, there for him to pick up when he wants to, when he’s ready for a distraction. Aaron sits next to him, not quite touching but close none the less. He gets his phone out and scrolls through all his apps before reading some news articles.

It’s a little routine the both of them are used to by now. Sometimes they cuddle up together in bed, other times they stay downstairs on the couch, like today.

It’s been a little less than an hour since they’ve driven back from Robert’s counselling session. His husband’s had four sessions now. Aaron thinks it’s too soon to say whether it’s really helping Robert, knows from experience that the older man might not even know himself yet but either way, Robert hasn’t made any sounds about leaving, about not wanting to go anymore and Aaron takes that as a good sign.

Tuesday is Robert’s counselling day. Aaron’s still so grateful that Robert got to see someone so quickly, just a week after he first made the call. Every Tuesday Aaron drives Robert to his session and waits for him in the waiting room. He really meant it when he told Robert he’d do anything to help him and he keeps reassuring Robert that he doesn’t mind waiting an hour while he’s in his session. After Robert’s second session, his husband had confessed that he likes seeing Aaron first thing after coming out of his sessions, that just that little thing makes things that bit easier for Robert. It’s why Aaron won’t hear of Robert telling him that he doesn’t have to come, that he can drive himself.

Aaron watches how Robert leans forward to pick up his book. The older man glances at him quickly, giving him a small smile that Aaron returns. After a few minutes of watching Robert turn the pages from the corner of his eye, Aaron starts thinking about the rest of the day.

Every Tuesday, Aaron thinks of something special for Robert, not anything big- but special none the less. Chocolate digestives and baths are part of the routine. Aaron glances at the plate in front on him, the biscuits still untouched. He’s not worried- Robert will have them later, or even after tea. He’s never really hungry after his sessions although Aaron does always make sure that his husband eats something before and afterwards.

After Robert’s very first session, Aaron brought him some donuts. He’d wanted to do something that would make his husband smile without making too much of a fuss. The donuts went uneaten for a long time, until after tea- when Robert had gone to the kitchen to get one for both of them. After the second session, Aaron had presented Robert with some finished administration work he had been worried about.

_“Aaron- you didn’t have to do that. You have enough work on already and what with the time you lose when you go with me to my sessions…”_

_“Robert, I wanted to. And don’t be daft- I lose next to no time at all taking you to therapy.”_

In all honesty, the both of them don’t do much work on Tuesdays. Robert’s too much in his head to do so after counselling, understandably, but losing that time does make his husband anxious which is why Aaron wanted to do some admin for him. Aaron doesn’t go in to work on Tuesdays, just does some work from home but he doesn’t mind, wouldn’t want it any other way. They manage very well and all Aaron wants is to be there for Robert, make sure he’s doing well after a session.

After the third session, Aaron had used one of Robert’s favourite but expensive bath bombs for his baths, one he had asked Belle to get for him the day before.

His cousin had been a great help, a welcome but unexpected presence in both his and his husband’s life lately. It had made Aaron realise how much he had missed her, both their problems keeping them from catching up with each other’s lives, but now she had finally finished with Jamie she was found spending most of her energy in family matters again.

Now, four weeks into Robert’s counselling- things are looking up but Aaron hadn’t always been so sure of that. The Tuesday of Robert’s first session hadn’t been plain sailing at all. The day eventually ended with Robert sitting next to him on the couch, wearing a small smile on his face as he bit into his donut but only a few hours earlier Aaron had been out of his mind.

_When Aaron arrives back home Robert’s not where he left him. He drops the donuts on the kitchen table and it doesn’t take him long to sense that his husband isn’t home at all. Aaron curses himself, he shouldn’t have left Robert on his own after his first therapy session, despite the older man reassuring him that he’d be okay. Aaron’s plan had been to pop to David’s as quickly as possible so that they could spend the rest of the day inside, together. But now Robert was gone when all Aaron had to do was be there for him._

_He’s about to run out of the door to look for Robert anywhere he can think of when his phone starts ringing. Thinking it’s Robert he picks up within seconds, but it’s not his husband’s voice he hears. It takes him a beat to place the voice he does hear, has to look at his phone to actually make sure he’s right. It’s Belle and she’s telling him to stay calm._

_“Belle, what do you mean you’re with Robert?” He’s almost shouting at her, can’t help it._

_“I found him in one of our barns- he’s not making much sense.”_

_“Belle- Belle, please tell me he’s okay.” Aaron can feel his heart practically failing when he thinks about the state Robert must be in._

_“He’s fine Aaron, he doesn’t seem hurt or anything. I just mean he won’t answer me properly when I ask why he’s here, what’s wrong. He keeps saying sorry. What-“_

_“He just had his first counselling session. Stay where you are, don’t let him out of your sight. I’m on my way.”_

_He can hear Belle mumbling that she’s taken Robert inside when he hangs up and grabs his car keys._

_“Sorry. Aaron I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me, I-“ Robert keeps saying sorry and Aaron’s just shaking his head. He’s holding both of Robert’s hands in one of his, as a way of stopping them from shaking. Belle keeps sending them concerned glances as she’s making them all a brew. Aaron’s thankful that she seems to be the only one here, he stops himself from asking where everyone else is- it doesn’t matter. All that matters is Robert._

_“Don’t apologise Rob. It’s okay.”_

_“It’s not though, is it?” Robert sniffs. He looks at Belle as he says, “I didn’t mean to freak you out like I probably did.” He looks so ashamed of himself and Aaron’s heart aches._

_“You didn’t. Really, it’s okay Robert.” Aaron thanks whoever is looking out for them that it was Belle who found his husband. She gets mental health, she cares._

_The both of them listen as Robert tries to explain what’s going on in his head. Aaron can feel how Robert’s hands are shaking less now._

_“When I was alone I just couldn’t stop thinking about everything I’d told her- my counsellor. I felt this overwhelming desire to take it all back and I started feeling very anxious so I went for a walk and somehow ended up here.”_

_“I’m so sorry- I shouldn’t have left you.” Aaron holds at Robert’s face and finds that he doesn’t care that Belle’s watching them, he’s only focusing on his husband._

_“No, it’s not you. It’s not your fault- I knew you’d be back soon.”_

_“You just wanted to stop your thoughts as soon as possible.” Belle says and Robert looks up at her and nods. “Yeah.”_

_He sighs before looking back at Aaron. “Should have walked to David’s instead- come looking for you. I’m sorry I didn’t mean to worry you. Both of you.”_

_Belle gives him a sincere smile and Aaron strokes his thumb over the back of one of Robert’s hands. “It’s okay Rob. You’re okay.”_

It’s why Belle’s been a steady presence in their life for the last few weeks. She’s promised not to share any of their business with the other Dingles and Aaron trusts her. Most importantly, Robert does too.

Robert has a good support system around him and Aaron knows how important that is. He is there for him every step of the way but it’s good that Robert has other people around him too who all show him that he’s worthy of love and support. There’s of course Vic and with her comes Matty, a boyfriend both him and Robert very much approve of. Marlon’s another Dingle that they like having around, the man far too genuine to get caught up in any drama. It’s clear that he genuinely wants to help them, make their lives a bit easier by cooking and bringing round some meals every now and then. Then there are also Jimmy and Nicola who try not to treat Robert any differently when it comes to work but simultaneously keep an eye out to check whether Robert’s not overworking himself.

Robert went back to work a few weeks ago, alternates between working in the cabin and at home. When Aaron goes to work at the yard, Robert goes with him and when Robert looks like he could do with a day at home, Aaron will stay home too, making it a day of admin work.

Robert’s engrossed in his book now and Aaron stands up, catching Robert’s attention.

“I was gonna run you a bath now- or would you prefer to have it later, after tea?”

Robert smiles softly. “Thank you. Now would be good.”

Aaron nods, happy to see that Robert seems to be doing well after today’s session.

—

Aaron watches Robert blinking sleepily, smiles softly. He reaches out to run a hand through Robert’s hair, soft and flat against his forehead. Robert’s hair like this- the way it makes him look younger, never fails to remind Aaron of the Robert that tried saying goodbye to him in prison. The way Robert looked so fragile, innocent almost. The reminder is only there for a few seconds though, nowadays it mostly reminds Aaron of other times he’s seen Robert like that- safe and secure in their home, like he is now.

“You okay?” Robert whispers, looking slightly more awake. He can clearly tell that Aaron’s lost in his thoughts.

“I’m fine.” Aaron says, means it.

“Good.” Robert mumbles before closing his eyes again. Aaron continues running his hand through his hair.

“Shall I turn off the lights?” Aaron whispers and Robert’s eyes open again. “No.”

It’s clear to Aaron that there’s something that Robert wants to tell him, he waits patiently- wonders if Robert is going to let him in on something he discussed with his therapist today. Aaron doesn’t expect Robert to tell him anything, he’s made that clear since his husband’s first session but he also told him that he will always be there to listen if Robert does want to share something.

“We talked about my mum today.” Robert says softly, eyes landing on a spot on Aaron’s shoulder.

Aaron gulps. “Okay.” It’s not a question, just something to let Robert know that he’s listening.

“I was thinking- I haven’t gone to visit her yet since- since I’ve been back.”

“We can go tomorrow if you like.” Aaron says, sensing what Robert wants to ask him.

“I’d like that.” Robert replies, eyes soft. Aaron smiles back before frowning slightly, wondering if he’d overstepped the mark. “Or do you want to go alone? I don’t mind.”

“No!” Robert says, voice suddenly a lot louder. “I want you there with me.”

“Of course.” Aaron says, taking his hand away from Robert’s hair and instead taking hold of Robert’s hand. He hesitates for a beat or two before making a decision. “I went to bring her flowers a few times- when you were gone.”

Aaron sees how Robert’s mouth opens in shock, eyes blinking rapidly. “You did?”

Aaron nods his head. “Brought her flowers. I went because you couldn’t and because I wanted to talk to her, tell her I was sorry.”

Robert’s face is all scrunched up, “for what?” He stammers.

“For not fighting for ya the way you would have done if you’d been in my position.”

“Aaron, please stop this. I was the one that made it impossible, I didn’t give you any way to contact me.”

Aaron sniffs. “Still, I should have tried harder- I wanted her to know that I was never going to stop loving ya.”

“She’s always known that.” Robert says softly and Aaron squeezes his hand.

“She’s a good listener.”

“Yeah she is.” Aaron agrees.

“We’ll bring her some flowers tomorrow morning, yeah?” Aaron says, voice light. Luckily it seems to bring Robert back to him, away from this sadness he looked about to drown in.

—

Aaron yawns as he lightly rests his hand in Robert’s hair. The older man is still dozing and Aaron’s happy to see it. The sleeping pills Robert had gotten prescribed a few weeks back are still helping him, unbroken nights no longer a rare occurrence for him and his husband is looking so much better for it.

Robert’s shirt is slightly bunched up at the waist and Aaron gulps. The bruises have been healing well although Robert still hasn’t let him see them for too long. Aaron can only hope Robert talks about the beatings and hurt he’s been through inside with his counsellor. Aaron still doesn’t let Robert out of his sight really, but the fact his husband has gotten help does calm him a bit. They are really getting there. The visit to the GP a few weeks ago was just another thing that had made Aaron extremely proud- Robert squeezing his hand the whole way through as they both listened to the many possible options for Robert.

Robert’s told him he’s talking to his counsellor more and more about his anxiety and fears and that’s she’s suggested talking to the GP for meds to help him with that. Aaron didn’t want to push, never puts any pressure on his husband but he did remind him that he’d be there for Robert no matter what.

When his eyes shift into focus again he sees how Robert’s awake now, staring at him.

“Morning.” Aaron whispers.

“Morning.” Robert smiles before his smile drops again.

“Alright?”

“I think so.” Robert says honestly and Aaron shifts closers to him, presses a firm kiss on his forehead. Robert crunches his face up and Aaron can’t resist pressing a kiss on his nose too.

“Your mum would be so proud of you.” It’s out before Aaron can stop himself, hopes that Robert is ready to hear it.

Robert’s eyes are glistening but he’s smiling shily. “I hope so.”

“I know so.”

—

Aaron sees a lot of his own experiences reflected in Robert. The way bad days can just creep up on you without a moment’s notice, or how bouts of sadness can just hit you out of nowhere even after a very good day.

Aaron can see it now. It’s in the way Robert’s sitting, head down- playing with his hands. It’s like he’s trying to make himself as small as possible as to not take up any space. Aaron knows it’s because after the full on day they’ve just had, Robert finally has the headspace again to _think,_ which isn’t always a good thing.

“Seb gone down alright?” Aaron asks, trying to coax a reaction from his husband.

“He was exhausted.” Robert smiles gently and Aaron smiles back.

“Today was amazing though.” Robert continues and Aaron walks towards him, goes to sit on the back of the couch so he can look into his husband’s eyes properly.

They had taken Seb to his beach, to look for fossils. It had been Robert’s idea, Aaron’s heart warms at the memory of how unsure Robert had been when he suggested it, as if Aaron would say no to going to his beach with his family. It had been ages since Aaron had been there, he’d taken Robert a few years back but Seb had never been. It sounded like the perfect outing for the three of them and it was.

“Your idea, a great one.” Aaron says as Robert lays a hand on his knee, squeezes gently.

“Liv will be back soon so I’ll get the tea on shall I?” He continues and Robert frowns.

“I can make it if you like, you’ve been cooking a lot these past few weeks.”

“You’re calling it cooking now are ya?” Aaron grins and Robert can’t help but smile. It was true, Aaron had been the one preparing most of their meals recently, even if that meant banging all sorts in the microwave. Aaron doesn’t mind doing it, not if it means that Robert gets his rest in the evenings, especially now he’d gone back to work and insists on being useful around the house. Aaron knows Robert, knows exactly what can happen when Robert puts too much pressure on himself. His husband keeps insisting that he’s gotten out of prison, not a hospital and that he’s fine but Aaron knows how tiring battling your own mind can be, especially if all sorts of memories are raked up at least once a week in intense counselling sessions. Aaron just wants Robert happy and healthy.

“Cheesy pasta tonight isn’t it? I can do it- I want to.” Robert insists and Aaron rolls his eyes.

“Fine. Well if you see to that I’ll just check up on Seb.” Robert smiles and Aaron watches him move to the kitchen. Aaron grins at the fact that Robert can now appreciate cheesy pasta as comfort food the way Aaron does.

It’s later on that Robert’s mood visibly drops again and for some reason it seems to be caused by Liv suggesting to watch a film. Liv seems to notice that something’s off and tells them that she’s going upstairs for a bit. Aaron sends her a grateful smile before all his attention shifts back to his husband.

“Rob, talk to me?”

It’s like Robert hasn’t even noticed that Aaron’s sitting next to him, he touches his arm gently and waits for the older man to look up at him.

“Hmm?”

“You can talk to me Robert. If you’re not up to watching a film tonight, that’s okay. We’ve had a long day.” Aaron finds himself reminding Robert of that a lot, that he’s free to choose, free to do whatever he wants. He’s not in prison anymore, he doesn’t have to restrict himself in any way and he isn’t letting anyone down by choosing what’s best for him.

“No. I want to watch something together but that’s just it.” Robert says, voice just above a whisper and Aaron frowns.

“Today was amazing. I have all of you in my life again and I just feel underserving I guess.” Robert shrugs as he’s saying it, as if the words aren’t breaking Aaron’s heart.

“You deserve all of this, every ounce of happiness.” It’s another thing that Aaron won’t stop telling Robert until he believes it.

“I just feel guilty because we were all so happy today and I know that hasn’t been the case for most of this year- because of me.”

“It’s not like you were having the time of your life was it?”

“I’m not talking about me though.” Robert says stubbornly and Aaron sighs.

“Have you talked about this? In therapy?” Aaron doesn’t want to pry but he knows what guilt can do to a person, has seen what it can do to Robert long before he went to prison.

Robert shakes his head. “Not properly, at least I don’t think so. Sometimes I can’t remember if a moment in a session was real or not.” Robert smiles sheepishly and Aaron can’t help but rub at his arm in comfort.

“We’ve mostly talked about prison, you, and my mum and- dad.” Robert mumbles, and it’s the most Robert’s said about therapy in a while.

“Okay.” Aaron says softly. He hesitates a moment before saying, “why don’t you write this in your book? Shall I grab it for ya?”

Robert’s therapist suggested that he’d buy something like a notebook, a diary, to jot stuff down in. It wasn’t for her to read but Robert could write stuff down that he’d like to talk to her about, stuff that happened during the week.

Aaron’s met with silence for a few beats before Robert nods at him, smiling thankfully.

—

Robert’s not the only one going to therapy- Aaron’s decided to go back to counselling too. He’s opted for sessions every two weeks. He mostly talks about his worries and concerns regarding Robert and about the past seven months where he’d been without him. His first two sessions have been all about the guilt Aaron feels when he thinks about the weeks leading up to Robert’s arrest, the time when Robert still thought he was only going to prison for an assault charge.

_“You say you know that Robert knew you meant well. That you were frustrated with him because you love him. You didn’t know that he was going to face 14 years inside, Lee wasn’t even dead yet.”_

_“Still, it wasn’t right. He was so worried about us while he was also dealing with the knowledge he was off to prison and instead of reassuring him I just got angry with him, yelled at him.”_

_“Don’t you think Robert would have felt the same if it had been you? Angry for pleading guilty, leaving your family.”_

_“… Maybe- but.”_

_“Aaron, I think it would be a good idea to talk to your husband about this. It’s something that’s really bothering you, something that weighs heavy on your chest. Let him listen to your regrets about that time. There’s nothing you can do to change it- but it sounds like, to move on you need to address it with your husband properly.”_

Aaron thinks about what Lauren, his counsellor, had said during his last session. He’s curled up on the couch while Robert’s sat at the kitchen table. They haven’t had an argument or anything but Aaron knows that his husband can clearly tell that something’s up, he’s giving Aaron space. He takes a deep breath before walking over to where Robert’s sitting.

When Aaron gets closer he sees what Robert was doing, feels guilty immediately.

“You alright?” Robert asks, smiling carefully. He puts his pen down and closes his notebook.

“You don’t have to stop Rob- I didn’t mean to disturb you.” Aaron says hastily, ignoring Robert’s question.

“Don’t be silly. Just writing about yesterday- I write about the good stuff too, you know.” And Aaron can’t help but let out a little laugh. Yesterday was another good day for the both of them. They went for lunch at a pub in Hotten, a drive out of the village doing them both good. They are both learning and accepting that their weeks are full of ups and downs.

“Really, I’m finished writing.” Robert says. He’s frowning and Aaron realises he’s been quiet for a bit, lost in thought.

“Alright. Um- I need to talk to you about something.”

“Okay.” Robert’s voice sounds strong but Aaron can hear the slight worry too.

“Me and Lauren have been talking a lot about my guilt. You already know I feel guilty about not doing enough to reach out to you in there- but I also feel guilty about the way I acted when you were still here.” Robert looks painfully confused and it’s clear he’s not understanding what Aaron’s getting at.

Aaron sighs, feels painful tears prickling behind his eyes. “You were worried about how we’d cope while you were inside and I know that all of that was partly to do with you wanting to be in control and instead of being angry with ya, I should have helped ya- made you talk to me.”

“Aaron, of course you were angry with me. I told you I had been charged with GBH and then you found out I lied and was looking at a much longer charge. You have nothing to feel guilty about.”

“No but- I wasted so much time that way.”

“We both did, really. We would never have had enough time, Aaron.”

“Yeah- I know we didn’t know it was going to be 14 years then but I still knew I was going to lose you, that I was going to be apart from you and I just-“

“Aaron, please. It’s okay. I’m the one who’s sorry. If I hadn’t lied about my charge in the first place-”

“You shouldn’t have lied but I shouldn’t have been so awful.” Aaron decides, can still recall that day so clearly.

“You had enough on your plate what with Liv in hospital and-“

“No, Robert. How-“ Aaron’s shaking his head, can’t even speak properly. He wants to shake Robert, make him see just how important he is to Aaron. Sometimes he’s not sure if the older man will ever truly see that, if he will ever believe that he’s worthy of Aaron’s love.

“You’re my husband. Yeah it wasn’t ideal with Liv’s seizure but I shouldn’t have said that.”

“What?” Robert’s frowning and Aaron isn’t sure whether to be relieved or not that Robert doesn’t seem to remember his words from that day.

“I said you were a problem that we didn’t need.”

“Oh.” Robert mumbles, recognition flashing across his face and Aaron hates himself for the hurt he can see on his husband’s face before it disappears again, mask firmly in place.

“Not even sure if I ever apologized for it.”

“Aaron, it’s fine. You were right.”

“No I wasn’t. You were never a problem, I shouldn’t have said that. I should have calmed down and talked to you properly. I’m sorry.”

Robert’s shrugs, not because he’s indifferent to Aaron’s apology but because he really doesn’t see why Aaron should apologize.

“I let you all down, you had every right to be angry. And we were fine again after that weren’t we?” Robert says softly, slowly remembering more of that day. “I lied, couldn’t stop myself even after all my promises about talking about stuff.”

“ _Our_ promises. I didn’t keep to mine either then did I? However much we’re a fan of the silent treatment it never works in the long run does it?”

Robert grins weakly, shaking his head.

“And you didn’t let us down. It happened and none of us of could change that- and I know you didn’t tell us because you wanted to protect us- me, Liv, Vic, Diane.”

“I just- I can’t imagine how scared you must have been and all I could do was be angry with you.”

Aaron remembers the day Robert finally admitted that _of course he was scared._ He remembers how his husband had trembled in his arms, face buried in his neck.

“When you punched Al I was so mad.” Aaron blurts out, can’t help but want to go over everything that happened back then now they are finally talking about it.

“I would have been if I were in your position?”

“Yeah but it wasn’t like I hadn’t been inside before- I know that the time before your sentence can seem so hopeless, like nothing matters anymore.” Aaron feels how the tears are gathering in his eyes as he thinks about how Robert only seemed to care about providing for them. “We just wanted you, I just wanted you.”

“I know. That’s why I don’t blame you for anything, Aaron.”

Aaron sighs, knows that Robert is being honest with him. Lauren was right, Robert would have been the exact same if it had been Aaron going to prison. “I know we can’t change anything about it now but I guess I just wished we had talked more about how scared we both were- I wish I had gotten you to talk about it. And I should have spoken to you about how scared I was for you- that you’d get hurt in there.” When Aaron touches his face he feels wetness there. “And you were… you _were_ hurt in there.” Aaron closes his eyes against the thought, the image of Robert getting hurt in prison still something he has to reject.

Robert winces at that then says, “and I should have talked to you about being so worried you were going to go off the rails.” He smiles weakly, shaking his head. “We were so worried about each other but we just didn’t talk about it.”

Aaron takes Robert’s hand. “Told my mum how scared I was about you getting hurt in there like I was and she said that we just had to make sure that wouldn’t happen but because I gave up I failed at that.”

“Aaron, how many more times. You didn’t give up- I made it impossible for you to contact me. Getting hurt in there… it’s prison isn’t it? None of it was your fault.”

All Aaron wants is to turn back time, register the warning signs that were already there even when Robert was still next to him. The way he thought that getting money together for his family was more important than them spending time with him, Robert’s voice when he said ‘ _and you’ve got me for what it’s worth’._ It was worth so much, he told him that then but Aaron wishes he’d said it more. He wonders if he’ll ever forgive himself for not doing enough despite Robert telling him that none of it was his fault. What Aaron does know is that he will never let Robert doubt his worth ever again or his place in their family, in Aaron’s life.

Aaron sniffs, squeezing Robert’s hand. “I want- I want us to talk about everything from now on.” They had said this many times before and compared to when they first got together properly, the both of them have come a long way but they could do even better, they had to. “No more shutting each other out because we don’t want to burden the other, especially when it’s about our worry about each other.”

Robert nods. “I’ll have to work on that but yeah, I want that too.”

“We’ll both have to work on it but we’ll get there.” Aaron says and he feels proud. Lauren was right, he can’t do anything about his anger and frustration back then but he can do better now, they both can.

Robert has an excited smile on his face and Aaron can’t help but match it.

“What?” He asks as Robert shifts closer towards him. “You remember when you had that bucket list going and I said we should keep that for when I got out.”

“Course I remember.” Aaron says and his smile falters. He remembers thinking about that exact list when Robert had just cut him off. The way he was hit with the knowledge that they wouldn’t ever get to do those things because Robert was going to be inside for more than a decade and he wasn’t even sure if he would ever see him again after that.

“We can do all those things now can’t we? Well, except the swimming with sharks maybe.”

“Uh, don’t think that was actually on there.”

“Wasn’t it? Steam trains and unicorns were definitely on there though.” Robert grins and Aaron laughs, the sadness fading away a bit. Robert’s strength never fails to amaze him.

“So what are you saying, you want to go to a musty old museum soon then?”

“If we fancy it then yeah. What I’m saying is that we should have some fun together before the summer is over and things go back to normal again.”

Aaron doesn’t think things will ever feel normal again. It’s something he will have to talk to Lauren about. Sometimes all he thinks about is how Robert shouldn’t be here, how he should still be in prison. But he does get where Robert is coming from, why not spend time together outside of the village, celebrate the fact that they are together again. At some point things _will_ settle down again. Robert will be making more and more progress at counselling and probably throwing himself more into work, Aaron will be back at the scrap yard without half his focus being lost on worry about Robert, Seb will come to stay every weekend and maybe one day they will find the strength again to talk about having that football team.

Aaron has to clear his throat before he can speak again. It’s something he hadn’t even dared thinking about yet but that dream- it isn’t broken anymore is it? Robert is here again, they can make it happen.

“You’re right.” He whispers. “We should make the most of the summer.” They still had most of August left. Aaron wonders if the two of them could even leave the country for a getaway, with Robert not being released on licence it shouldn’t really be a problem.

Robert was nodding happily, clearly aware of how Aaron was warming to the idea. Aaron made his way over to the kitchen draw and grabbed a notepad and a pen.

“Fire away.”  
  


In the end, not much gets written down. Aaron can practically see the doubt creeping up on Robert as they talk about what they’d like to do.

_(“Seb will love anything Robert, don’t worry- he’ll have a good time.”)_

_(“Don’t worry about Liv- she won’t want to hang out with us too much anyway, but we can pick one outing that she’ll enjoy joining in with. You know she loves Seb.”_ )

Robert carefully approaches the idea of going abroad. “It shouldn’t be a problem, I’m just not sure where we’d like to go. We can also stay here, go to Wales or something?”

Aaron scrunches his face up at that, he’s not sure why but he has the overwhelming desire to get out of the country. Maybe it’s to do with thought of Robert having travelled half of the UK on his own just a couple of weeks back that makes him want to get the both of them out of here.

“France would be good?” Aaron suggests softly, not sure whether the country is a sour topic for them now. Robert bites his lip at that. “Yeah.”

“Really?”

“We like France.” Robert shrugs. “Getting a B&B somewhere, I think I’d like that.” Aaron watches his husband for a few seconds before nodding. “Alright, France it is then.”

***

_I think I always feel like I need to be useful to the people in my life. It’s why I cut off contact because a loved one in prison is no use is it? And now I feel like I need to get better as soon a possible, so things can go back to normal again._

_I’m so scared of messing up, people leaving me._

_I can’t go about my day without thinking about how I shouldn’t be here, how I should still be in prison for many years to come._

_Dad- Jack._

Robert’s flicking through his diary. It’s a mixture of thoughts he’s written down before a session and realisations he’s had during them. A text from Aaron comes in, telling him that he’ll be home soon. Robert smiles. He’s been back from his session for two hours now, he’s not sure what he did that first hour after getting back but he’s spent the last hour reading the news and flicking through his notebook. Robert had to give everything in him to convince his husband to do a scrap run today, Aaron not wanting to leave Robert to go to his session on his own. It was a good deal though and nobody else had been available to do it. The younger man had to leave before Robert woke up and it was hard but Robert had gotten through it. He managed to drive himself over there and back. Aaron’s 10 texts an hour had been a great help too.

There’s a banging sound coming from the front door and Robert clams up before realising that his husband is back. He closes his notebook and shoves it to the other side of the table.

“Only me.” Aaron says as he hoovers awkwardly, not quite coming in yet. Robert frowns, wants to stand up but then Aaron walks in properly. He’s carrying a bunch of flowers, bright yellows and oranges.

Robert does stand up then, feeling painfully shy all of a sudden. “Are these-?”

“For you.” Aaron says, looking just as shy really. Robert never thought he’d experience Aaron buying him flowers but now he has and it’s already his new favourite thing. “They are beautiful.”

“Just wanted to do something special, as usual on Tuesdays. I’m sorry I couldn’t be there today. Are you okay?” Aaron rambles and Robert chuckles. He takes the flowers from Aaron and admires them some more, not quite looking at his husband.

“Thank you. I love them.” It’s like Robert can’t stop smiling, he imagines how awkward his husband must have been when he was getting these for him. “Don’t apologise- I _wanted_ you to take that scrap run. I’m okay- it was okay.”

“Yeah?” Aaron whispers and Robert nods, finally properly looking at him again. They stand there for a second and Robert grins again at the realisation that it was a bunch of flowers that made them both act so awkwardly.

“Thank you.” Robert says again and kisses Aaron’s forehead, getting the brightest smile in return.

After Robert has put the flowers in a vase, the bunch getting pride of place on the kitchen table and Aaron’s made them both a brew they are sitting close together on the couch. It feels normal and Robert basks in it as he asks his husband about his morning. He knows Aaron wants to make sure he’s really okay, that he still feels guilty that he couldn’t take him to his session today. Robert sighs, wonders if this is the right time to discuss something with his husband. Something he’d talked about with his therapist, Sian, just this morning.

“Today with Sian, I mostly talked about you.” Robert says and he can see the surprise on Aaron’s face. His husband never expects Robert to tell him anything about his session, never pushes him to. After the quick flash of surprise on his face, Aaron just looks worried.

“We talked about you and what you went through when I was gone. Do you remember you told me you had a bit of a wobble? About me not loving you. I can’t forget about it because I know I would have felt the same if I’d been in your position. I never wanted to leave you Aaron, you know that don’t you?” Robert knows he’s rambling but he can’t help himself now he’s opening up about this.

“Of course I know.” Aaron looks utterly confused. “I’ve told you this, I’ve _always_ known.” Robert feels guilty because there’s a sick look on Aaron’s face and Robert knows his husband is thinking about that day, that last prison visit when Robert begged Aaron to never forget.

“Sorry.” He mumbles. “I know you know-“

“That wobble was down to my head-“ Aaron shrugs as if it’s not a big deal. “Like I said, Cain sorted me out, made me see I was being daft. That what you did was never because you didn’t love me. Robert, look at me. That day- when we heard that Lee had died. You were so adamant that you didn’t want to go on the run because you couldn’t leave me for good. Yeah, I had a few blips of doubt when you were gone, I’ve been very angry and I’ve been down but I’ve always known you love me, I’m never going to forget, remember? You didn’t want to leave me, be without me but in the end you did choose to do so because it that meant that I didn’t have to give up my life here. You love me like no one else does or has done before. You’re a good person Robert.”

Robert wipes at his eyes and Aaron brings him to his chest. “Forgive yourself Robert, please.”

Robert nods as best as he can in Aaron’s arms, knows he’s working on it.

—

They are getting carried away. Robert strokes at Aaron’s face, trying to wipe away the worry he sees there. He knows why it’s there, since Robert’s been back it’s been there every time they’ve been getting a bit full on. He knows that Aaron’s scared of pushing him too far, doing this when Robert’s in a vulnerable state. It’s there now because yeah, Robert’s just had a bit of a meltdown but he doesn’t want them to stop.

“Aaron-“ he whispers, pulling Aaron almost on top of him. Robert wants him so badly, knows he’s ready.

“Rob- look at me.” Robert opens his eye, sees Aaron watching him with wide eyes, a frown on his face. He’s opening his mouth before closing it again and Robert knows what he wants to say. _You had a counselling session today, you just had a wobble, are you sure?_

“I’m sure, if you want to?” Robert whispers, suddenly worried that Aaron’s the one who doesn’t want this, that he doesn’t want him like that anymore.

“Course I do, so much.” Aaron’s almost hissing.

“Well then. I missed you so much, I want you. I’m ready.”

It’s all Aaron needs, the younger man pressing his mouth everywhere before coming back up again. “Not here though, in our bedroom yeah?” He whispers, voice breathless.

“Yeah.” Robert agrees, just as breathless.

He has his face buried in his husband’s neck, Aaron’s stroking his shoulder as they are getting their breaths back.

“You alright?” Aaron asks. Robert mumbles unintelligibly to which Aaron sighs, he wants a proper answer, Robert knows this.

“I’m all good.”

“Okay, good.” Aaron says, he sounds sleepy.

Robert buries his face a little more, wants to be hidden before he asks this.

“Was it- was I okay?” He whispers and Aaron freezes above him. Robert wonders if Aaron’s going to think that he wants him to boost his ego or something. He’s not usually insecure about his talent in bed but it’s different now isn’t it? It’s been a while and Aaron’s been with others, nameless or not.

“It’s been a while for me. Wait, I didn’t mean- Aaron I-“ Robert’s messing up already, he just wanted to clarify.

“Rob, don’t be daft. I know. It was perfect.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Nobody compares, you know that don’t ya? With you it’s just-“

“I know.” Robert says because he does know. It was perfect, Aaron careful around his bruises, being all soft and gentle until Robert told him to hurry up and it was the way it used to be.

“Let me show ya how much I loved it.” Aaron says, a cheeky grin on his face and Robert laughs before his husband’s smothering him with kisses once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> clearly covid is not a thing in this fic lol.  
> also, i've added the amount of chapters this fic will have, if this suddenly changes pretend you never saw anything lmao, but i'm pretty sure i will be able to fit all the remaining words i want to write in the next two chapters!
> 
> as always, thank you for reading 💗


	12. XII

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's another tough week for robert but he has aaron by his side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's another long one guys :)
> 
> *warning: mentions of homophobia

Their ‘summer holiday’ as they like to call what’s left of August, starts with a day of babysitting. Aaron is very much avoiding both his mum and Paddy at the moment, he knows his mum accepts him and Robert being back together, he’s still not willing to risk good days. That doesn’t mean he’s avoiding Eve and he happily accepted when his mum had carefully asked him if he was willing to babysit her for the day. He checked with Robert obviously- who answered him with a bright smile.

_(“I was meant to ask you if you wanted to come with me to the pub to meet her weeks back, after I had that chat with your mum- but I sort of forgot, so much had been going on.”)_

_(“That’s okay, you get to meet her now.”)_

Robert ends up holding baby Eve most of the day- she seems to have taken a liking to him and Aaron can’t blame her.

“She likes ya.” Aaron says softly as he stares at his husband and baby sister, the little girl fast asleep in Robert’s arms.

Robert looks up shily, smiling a little. “Not sure why.”

“Good thing I do then.” Aaron says as he goes to sit next to him. “She probably feels safe in those arms. I know the feeling.” He feels his own cheeks warming at his words, he’s not used to being this open and loving but everything is different now isn’t it? Aaron knows Robert would never laugh at his words or embarrass him and he also knows how important it is that his husband hears all these things- that he knows how loved he is.

The look on Robert’s face is worth the slight embarrassment Aaron felt, feeling it fading away almost immediately.

—

Robert’s pottering in the kitchen, his husband insisting he’d clean up after tea so Aaron is now holding a gurgling Eve. As he stares at his little sister his thoughts once again drift off to their future. He wants to know whether Robert has thought about it too, about their own little football team. Aaron feels like it’s too raw a subject to start talking about yet, isn’t sure whether Robert is ready. He gulps, maybe Robert doesn’t even want that anymore, maybe it’s too painful. There had been a time that they’d been so close and then everything fell apart- maybe Robert can never go there again.

“You okay?” When Aaron looks up Robert’s standing in front of him, looking concerned.

“Yeah, course I am.”

“You were looking all worried and sad.”

“Was I?”

“Is it your mum?” Robert asks as he goes to sit on the coffee table so that he’s opposite of Aaron and Eve.

“What? No.”

“I just thought because you were holding Eve.” Robert shrugs, his eyes darting around the room uncomfortably. “I thought maybe you were thinking about how much you miss her and how it was.”

Aaron knows what he means and he sighs, stretches out his hand and smiles when Robert holds it straight away.

“It wasn’t anything to start with Robert, not since you’ve been gone anyway. And no- don’t. None of that is your fault. I just mean- our relationship has been a bit weird most of this year. It will be okay again, one day- but that’s only because she apologised and talked to you.”

Robert nods, squeezes his hand. “Okay.”

“As long as you know none of this is your fault. Promise me.”

“I know. How can I not eh? The way you’ve been protecting me against pretty much everyone who might have a bad word to say about me.”

Aaron lets out a little laugh before he turns serious again. “And for Paddy- whatever he says to ya-“

Aaron can’t get his words out, he’s not even sure what it is he wants to say. He just knows how Paddy can be- can imagine him getting Robert alone and manipulating him, telling him he’s taken Aaron away from his dad.

“I don’t think I’ll be seeing much of him.” Robert says softly. “It’s okay.”

Aaron sighs, squeezes Robert’s hand. “I won’t either.” He says smiling slightly before catching the sad look on the older man’s face.

“Oi, what did I say?”

“Not my fault.” Robert says, smiling again as he shakes his head.

“Exactly.”

They sit in silence for a bit, Eve’s gurgling the only sound in the room. Robert’s still holding Aaron’s hand, he’s stroking his fingers so gently it almost makes him melt.

“What were you thinking about then- if it wasn’t your mum?” Robert suddenly asks, breaking the comfortable silence. Aaron sighs. It’s a good thing that in many ways, Robert’s still the same. But that also means he has this habit of not letting things go, especially where Aaron’s concerned.

“Us.” Aaron says before regretting it immediately when he sees the way Robert’s face falls.

“No! Not like that.” He bites his lip, contemplates being honest before realising that this can’t be the right time. “It’s nothing, forget I said anything.”

“Yeah, because I’m going to do that.” Robert says sharply.

Aaron rolls his eyes. “I was thinking about our future as in- uh our family.”

Robert looks confused for a second and Aaron looks down at Eve before giving Robert another look. If Robert hasn’t changed much, Aaron hasn’t either. Sometimes he still finds it so much easier to communicate through looks and glances than explain things with actual words.

“Oh.” Robert says softly, he’s almost whispering and Aaron gulps. “Sorry. I know now’s not the time- it won’t be for a while yet and that’s okay.” He rambles.

“Why?” Robert asks and now it’s Aaron’s turn to be confused. “Why what?”

“Why’s now not the time?”

“You’ve not been out long- and well.. I don’t even know if you still want that. God, I must sound so selfish-“ Aaron feels tears welling up in his eyes already and he tries hard to blink them away. He knows Robert wanted them to have a baby too but Aaron had always been the one going mad with it- stealing the money, screaming at Robert that it was never going to work out for them, and now he was banging on about it all over again.

“Aaron, why would I ever think that?” Robert says sternly. Aaron hiccups and it wakes Eve, who starts crying immediately.

“Shit- I-“ Aaron hates himself for ruining a good day.

“Aaron, it’s okay.” Robert says, still sounding as calm and reassuring as ever. He holds out his arms and Aaron frowns before understanding. He passes a screaming Eve over to his husband.

Aaron knows people say that he’s good with kids and he guesses they are right but Robert? He’s amazing too. Robert’s rubbing Eve’s back gently while making shushing noises, Aaron has to stop himself from crying even harder at the sight.

“It’s okay. Everything is okay” Robert’s whispering at Eve while rocking her slightly. He sounds so calming that Aaron starts feeling better too. He wipes at his eyes and watches how Robert stands up but only to sit next to him.

“Here we are.” Robert whispers gently as he shifts Eve so that she’s laying in his arms now and Aaron can see how she’s sleeping soundly already.

Aaron reaches out to stroke Eve’s head and he can tell Robert’s looking at him.

“Aaron, you’re not selfish for wanting a baby, for wanting that family we always talked about.”

“I am when you’ve only just been released.”

“Yeah but I got it out of you didn’t I? I could tell you didn’t want to talk about it.” Aaron hates it when his husband is right. He lets out a little nod.

“If anything- I’m glad you still want that with me, after everything.” Aaron wasn’t the only that could still be a total idiot. Aaron wipes away some fresh tears before saying, “don’t be daft Robert. Don’t you dare say that. I only ever wanted all that with you.” He’s told Robert this before, when he told him what he’d said to Cain that day in the woods.

“Nothing’s changed for me.”

“Well the same goes for me.” Robert says as he stares at Eve, Aaron knows it’s his way of trying to hide from him.

“I feel like I don’t deserve it though- I only get to have this because I was lucky in a way, which sounds awful but… more evidence came about against Lee and suddenly I was out. So often I would imagine a different life, one where I never left and we had that football team. And then other days I would imagine you happy. I’ve always wanted you to have that football team Aaron, with whoever made you happy.”

“Only you.” Aaron sniffs, not able to help the fresh tears cascading down his cheeks at Robert’s words. “And you’re not awful for being happy you got out Robert, it’s awful that that meant that there were more victims that suffered because of Lee- but that’s not your fault.”

Robert nods, taking in the words as he rests his head against Aaron’s. After a few seconds of silence Robert speaks again. “I still want that- our own little family, with you.”

“You deserve that Robert, you do.”

“ _We_ do. It’s just-“

Aaron’s already nodding, knows what his husband wants to say.

“Not yet.”

Robert looks so thankful and Aaron’s heart aches. “We have time- quite a lot of it really. You need to get better first and then we can start taking the first steps- not a second before that.”

“I want to be the best father I can be, I want Seb to get used to this place again and just- yeah be better.”

Aaron smiles, reaches out to touch Robert’s cheek. “You will be the best daddy to our baby- just like you are to Seb.”

Robert smiles back at him and Aaron can’t help but press a firm kiss to his husband’s head. “I already have everything I want right here Robert. I love you- even if you never feel ready, you know that don’t ya?” It’s one of Aaron’s biggest fears, that Robert thinks he alone isn’t enough for Aaron. Yes, Aaron wants brother’s and sister’s for Seb and a big family but even if that isn’t to work out, he’s happy- the family he already has is more than enough.

Robert adverts his eyes again as he nods his head. “I know. I love you, thank you- for everything.”

Aaron takes a shaky breath, he can’t believe Robert’s thanking him for being what he should be, patient and loving. “Idiot.” He mumbles and Robert lets out a little laugh. “You don’t have to thank me. I love you too, always.”

—

“You want to go on a date sometime?” Aaron mumbles into Robert’s neck. His husband is making them both a brew and Aaron’s hugging him, chest pressed against Robert’s back, arms firmly around his middle.

“You asking me out Mr Sugden?” Robert says and Aaron grins, happy to see his husband in a good mood.

“What do ya say?”

“I say yes.”

It’s Tuesday, a bit later in the afternoon. Robert had gone straight to bed after his counselling appointment, the session clearly having taken it out of him.

“Wait.” Aaron says as he presses another kiss into Robert’s neck before untangling himself and walking over to the couch where he put his shopping bag earlier.

“It’s not much today.” He starts, referring to his usual Tuesday treat for Robert after counselling. “But I got you these.” He’s holding out a purple box of chocolates, knows most of Robert’s favourites are in that collection.

“Aaron, it’s enough. You don’t have to keep doing this for me you know? Soon you shall ran out of ideas.”

“I’ll think of something every week- especially now you’ve said that.” Aaron grins but meaning it nonetheless. He presses a kiss to Robert’s lips. “Today you get chocolates and of course me asking you out.”

Robert laughs, “where were you thinking of taking me, husband?”

“Out of here, that’s for sure. Somewhere we’ve never been before? Leeds, Hotten- whatever you’re comfortable with.”

Robert nods at him. “We’ll pick somewhere we both like. When did you want to go?”

“Whenever you want to go.”

“No- you asked me out remember?” Robert says and he’s giving Aaron this pointed look. Aaron knows that Robert doesn’t want Aaron to treat him any differently- he doesn’t, at least he tries not to but Aaron knows his husband. He knows how easily he can ignore his own boundaries and then the next think he knows is that Robert’s made himself ill.

“Okay. How about tomorrow?” There’s no way they are going anywhere today, not when Robert had a counselling session earlier.

“Deal.” Robert smiles and Aaron presses his lips against his husband’s once more.

—

Aaron’s fiddling with his tie, waiting downstairs until Robert’s ready. They decided to go all out and make it a real ‘date night’. Aaron knows that Robert’s slightly nervous, that this is something they used to do in the life before Robert went to prison. His husband hasn’t worn a suit since his sentencing and come to think of it, Aaron’s pretty sure that was the last time he wore one as well.

They booked France today, in two weeks’ time they will be out of the country for a bit and Aaron can’t wait. He had been worried at first about Robert going a week without counselling, neither of them knowing how a disruption of their usual routine could possibly affect Robert. His husband however, had reassured him that it would be fine, that he didn’t want them to postpone a trip that was so desperately needed.

Aaron had gotten himself ready in the spare room while Robert was getting dressed in their bedroom, it all felt very formal but Aaron was going to indulge Robert if that was what he wanted. Extra-ness is a Robert thing and Aaron will not complain about it, not when it’s another sign of Robert feeling more like his old self.

“You look amazing.” Aaron hears and he looks up to see Robert descending the stairs. The suit he’s wearing looks good on him, maybe slightly baggy in places but it’s not too noticeable. He’s wearing a floral tie and Aaron feels a rush of pride buzz through him.

“So do you. You look really good, Robert.” Aaron feels himself getting shy at the words but Robert practically lights up. His husband holds onto his waist while he presses a soft kiss against Aaron’s lips, Aaron pulling Robert in a little bit harder.

“Feels weird wearing one again- not sure it looks right.” Robert mumbles shily once they have pulled away from each other. Aaron nods, not sure what to say. Instead he reaches out to touch Robert’s cheek. “It looks right on you, I promise.” And Robert is smiling again.

“Feels almost like we’re about to get married.” Aaron mumbles before he can stop himself and Robert nods. “Especially with us dressing in different rooms.” He adds and Aaron scoffs, “that was your idea.”

Robert laughs, “yeah I know. It doesn’t feel too formal though does it?” He suddenly sounds worried and Aaron smiles at him, reaches out for one of his hands. “Nah, and anyway, our weddings were never exactly formal were they?”

“No, you’re right.” Robert laughs as he squeezes Aaron’s hand. He lifts both their hands up a bit and Aaron can tell he’s watching the way their rings glisten together as if to remind himself that they _are_ married again, sort of.

“You’re ready to go then, Mr Sugden-Dingle?” Aaron says softly, not wanting to shock Robert from his thoughts. He says their name deliberately, to let Robert know that he sees them as married too, no matter what happened in the past.

“Let’s go, husband.”

—

They’re having a great time until something or rather someone ruins it.

It’s like it used to be, the both of them comfortable enough to hold each other’s hand between meals. It’s nice to be in their own bubble again, here in this dimly lit restaurant that’s luckily not too busy.

They opted for Leeds in the end, the furthest afield they’ve been since Robert’s been back. It also gave Robert somewhere to drive to, Aaron relishing in the way he could see Robert visibly relax behind the wheel. They bickered over music choices, just like before and Aaron couldn’t believe how a simple car journey with his husband was just another thing he’d missed immensely.

Robert’s hand is in Aaron’s as they make their way over to the car park. It’s getting darker now because they stayed out for quite a while. After their three course meal, they decided to stay for a coffee and afterwards they couldn’t resist getting a drink in one of the pubs nearby.

There’s the sound of shouting and Robert stiffens. Aaron squeezes his hand tightly, holding it against his chest. “Rob it’s okay, we’re okay.” The sound fades and Robert seems to realise it wasn’t directed at them, or him and he slowly breathes out.

“Sorry.”

“It’s okay. Don’t apologize.” Aaron can only imagine what shouting and loud noises do to Robert now. He knows from experience that it will take a while for those sounds to stop taking Robert back to prison and Aaron was never inside as long as Robert had been. He’s noticed it before, the way Robert flinches at loud bangs. Nowadays, both him and Liv are always careful around him. Robert said he doesn’t want them walking on eggshells for him but Aaron reassured him that it’s not like that- that it’s just taking that extra bit of care to help him just like Robert had done many times for him over the years, after the trial, after his own prison stint.

Suddenly there’s another shout right next to him and a bloke on a skateboard whizzes past but not before he spits at the two of them. Robert clams up again and Aaron has to stop himself from following the guy and shouting the odds. He wants to defend them and what they have, because of course he knows why it happened but he also has to protect Robert, who has clearly paled and Aaron can feel how his hand has become all sweaty. He doesn’t let go of Robert’s hand though, instead he quickly kisses it before holding it towards his chest again and then he moves the both of them towards a little alleyway where they lean against the wall.

“Rob, you alright?”

“I hate this.” Robert whispers and Aaron can hear how he’s almost in tears and his heart breaks.

“What do you mean?”

“Everything.” Robert sniffs and Aaron strokes his thumb over the back of his husband’s hand. He looks up at Robert and smiles a little. “You need to narrow that down a bit yeah? So I can help ya.”

“It’s worse now- when somebody is like that.” Robert whispers and Aaron frowns, not sure what Robert means.

It’s definitely not been the first time they’ve encountered homophobia when walking hand in hand. Sometimes it’s someone shouting something inaudible at them, other times it’s someone giving them a disgusting glance. Aaron’s not sure if they’ve ever had someone try and spit on them though. It never gets any easier, it still hurts every time but Aaron feels that, over the years, he’s been able to move on a bit quicker.

“I got a bit weird because of the shouting- and then that homophobe, it reminded me of prison. Should have defended us but-“

“Hey, no- we don’t have to do anything. They’re idiots, we don’t have to react to the likes of them. Forget them Rob, I’m more worried about you.”

“Don’t. I’m fine- just got a bit of a shock, it took me back that’s all.”

Aaron sighs as he squeezes Robert’s hand. He’s not sure whether Robert means the shouting or the homophobia or both. Probably both. He worries his lip as he thinks about what Robert had told him. He said he’d kept his head down, kept away from everyone if he could help it, but that same Robert was the one who had pictures of them up on his wall in his cell. His husband had a cell to himself and said that he thought the beatings would have been worse if they had known but word got round didn’t it? Especially stories of that kind.

Aaron lifts up Robert’s hand to drop a kiss onto it, hates how he feels wary at this PDA after what happened, even if no one is around.

“Let’s go back to the car, yeah? I’ll even let you pick the music.”

—

“Robert, you can be honest with me you know?” Aaron hates the frightened look on Robert’s face as he hears Aaron’s question but he can’t help it, he needs to know.

Last night they hadn’t talked any more about what happened. Aaron hadn’t wanted to ruin the mood that had lifted again after the incident. Aaron had driven home so that Robert could just sit back and relax and they had laughed and joked whilst listening to Robert’s playlist. Once they had gotten back home they went to bed almost immediately and after two rounds of showing each other just how much they loved each other they were exhausted. Minus the incident, Aaron couldn’t have wished for a better date night.

“About what?” Robert croaks out and Aaron winces. Robert’s sitting at the kitchen table, he had been reading the paper before Aaron had disturbed him. Aaron sighs and sits down too.

“Were you subjected to homophobia inside. You can tell me.”

Robert frowns before adverting his eyes. “They hated me because I didn’t get involved in the life there- didn’t really talk to anyone, didn’t want to be one of them. Of course that would have made them suss, made them think I had something to hide. And I heard all sorts of things- homophobic stuff. But I was honest with you about the bruises, it never got worse than that, luckily. There were fights daily. Maybe they knew maybe they didn’t but I think the fact that I hid away so much helped, it would have been much more fun for them if I’d been around all the time wouldn’t it? I hated what happened yesterday and yeah he made me think of prison because it’s full of people like him with nothing better to do than shout abuse. But I’m fine, I got through it yeah?”

Aaron breathes a sigh of relief, it’s clear that Robert still doesn’t want to talk about prison too much and that’s fine, at least he’s going to counselling- he’s not bottling things up. He believes his husband.

“Thank you for telling me. I’m sorry I brought up bad memories- I was just worried about ya.”

“I know, it’s okay. I have you with me now haven’t I?”

“Always.”

—

Robert walks into the house, white as a sheet and Aaron almost drops his plate into the sink at the sight of it.

“Rob? Robert, what’s happened?”

Robert had gone over the road to spend some time with Victoria and Harry and Aaron can’t think of anything that could have possibly gone wrong. Or maybe he can, maybe Robert’s in his head again after seeing Vic and Harry, feels guilty and rotten about what he’s done.

“God, you’re shaking. Robert please talk to me.” Aaron has rushed over to his husband and he’s holding him by the arms gently. Robert keeps his head down and Aaron’s ducking his, wants to look into Robert’s eyes.

“Come on, let’s sit down.” He leads Robert to the couch. His husband looks a bit bewildered now and Aaron can feel the worry gnawing at him.

“I saw PC Pierce in the village.” It’s all Robert says and Aaron frowns, not getting it at all _._ “Okay.” He says a way of prompting Robert to say more.

“Nothing happened. It wasn’t like he’s here for me I don’t know what he’s doing here but that’s not… whatever. It just took me back. Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare ya.” Robert says that a lot nowadays and Aaron winces, he _is_ scared but that’s not his husband’s fault, he never wants the older man to keep stuff to himself.

Aaron nods, wants to say something but then Robert starts speaking again. “It just took me back to all that- when I was.. arrested. When we weren’t together but you were still nearby.”

Aaron tries not to fall apart at that. He gets it now, thinking about those days makes him feel physically ill too. Robert won’t have seen PC Pierce since then, of course it would take him right back.

“He was nice actually, told me you had come to the station, demanding to see me. After that I called you.” Robert turns even paler at the memory and Aaron can relate to that, doesn’t think he will ever be able to think about that phone conversation without feeling like his heart is getting dragged through his whole body.

“I’m okay.” Robert says. “Just another trigger, one that I hadn’t seen coming.” He tries to joke and Aaron smiles weakly. He knows that the smallest and most random things can trigger certain memories.

“It’s not weird that it was a trigger.” Aaron says softly and Robert nods. “No, I guess it’s not that strange it’s just- it made me realise how they can always crop up when I least expect it.”

“It will get better, I promise ya. You’re doing so well Robert. You have to believe that.”

“Couldn’t do it without ya.”

“Don’t be daft.”

“I’m serious, Aaron. Thank you.”

“You don’t have to thank me soft lad, I love you don’t I?”

“I love you more.” Aaron doesn’t think that’s possible but he smiles, presses a soft kiss against the side of Robert’s head.

***

Robert’s staring at Aaron. He’s really just revelling in the fact he can do this again, watching his husband do domestic tasks.

“You alright over there.” Aaron grins as he turns around to look at Robert.

“All good.” Robert smiles, “you coming for a sit down any time soon?” He asks as he pats the space next to him on the couch.

“Nearly done.” Aaron replies before he returns his focus on his tasks.

Robert’s cooked again tonight which meant that Aaron wouldn’t let him help with the clear up afterwards.

As he’s lost in his own thoughts he thinks about earlier again, how he reacted at seeing a local police officer that wasn’t even in the village for him. Aaron was so calm, loving and understanding. Robert gulps, he meant what he’d said, he couldn’t do any of this without his husband.

_Husband_

He hasn’t failed to notice the way his husband keeps saying the word, each time with a glint in his eyes. He knows it’s Aaron’s jokey way to stress that they _are_ husbands.

Neither of them have mentioned the divorce process that seems to be very much up in the air- or at least it seems that way as neither of them have looked into it. Robert doesn’t have the mental energy to do so and he can’t let Aaron do it, so he just hasn’t mentioned it yet. He had looked it up once, very quickly- his eyes glancing over the words saying that it was possible to stop the process, if both parties agreed. He bites his lip, can’t get this one thought out of his head, the one that’s been there the whole of this week.

“Marry me.” It’s out before he can stop it, the chance of doing it all romantically now completely out of the window.

“What?” Aaron whips around and stares at Robert in shock.

Robert stands up, walks over to Aaron awkwardly. Maybe he got this wrong, maybe he’s being insensitive because he was the once that sent over those papers. He’s about to backtrack when Aaron meets him halfway, tears in his eyes.

“What did you just say, Rob?”

“I- Marry me. I want to ask you to marry me again. I know it’s crazy and I’m being stupid because I have no right to ask ya that and at the same time we are married, we keep saying that but…” He rambles until he’s not sure what else he can say to make all of this come across better. He holds up his ring to Aaron, stressing that he _knows_ they are married.

“Shut up you idiot. Of course I’ll marry ya, _again_.”

“But-”

“Don’t leave me hanging now, Rob.” Aaron’s eyes are still all lit up and Robert smiles back at the younger man carefully before he all but jumps into Aaron’s arms, feels the way his husband’s arms envelop all of him, hands gently stroking his back.

“I’d never say no to that Rob, not when it’s you asking.” Aaron mumbles into his neck and Robert sighs contently despite the anxiety he still feels.

“It’s all a mess.” He says as a way of explaining. “We might be able to stop the process, but then we’re still married so this is silly and if we can’t stop it, then we’re divorced.” The thought is so awful to Robert that he can’t even think about it even though he was the one who filed for a divorce.

“We’ll sort it, together. Please don’t worry about that.” Aaron detaches himself and holds Robert’s face in both hands, thumbs stroking his cheeks.

“Just wanted to ask you so badly because I meant it Aaron, without you.. I don’t know where I’d be. I’m nothing without ya really.”

That makes Aaron frown and he shakes his head. “Not true. You’re amazing and so brave. Look how far you’ve come these past few weeks and you.. you sacrificed yourself for me. You’re brilliant.” Aaron’s eyes are glassy now and Robert’s sure he’s matching him. He nods shily, tries to look elsewhere but Aaron won’t let them, keeps holding his face.

“We can do whatever we want Rob. We’ll sort those papers and then decide. We can always have something like a wedding party. We can renew our vows or do something for ourselves. There are loads of options but most importantly, I want to do this with you Robert, I’d get married to you 80 times if you’d ask me. We’ll make it happen.”

Robert’s shaking his head in awe, can’t believe he gets to have this amazing man by his side for the rest of his life. “I love you.”

“I love you.”

“You’re still my husband now though yeah? Even if I’ve just asked you to marry me again.”

“God yes, try stopping me.”

—

For a few seconds he can’t place where he is, at all. His eyes won’t open and it seems like someone’s trashing around next to him but that’s not possible is it? Robert doesn’t even want to open his eyes, doesn’t want to see his surroundings and wake up to another day in this hell hole. He tries to imagine he’s back at home with his family, something he does whenever he needs to escape reality. He can almost imagine that it is his husband sleeping next to him, trashing around-

It’s then that Robert’s eyes shoot open and he can’t believe it’s happened again. He’s been back home for over two months now. He doesn’t have much time to go over what’s just happened though because his husband is indeed next to him and trashing around which can only mean one thing.

Robert is the chaotic sleeper, Aaron sleeps much more soundly.

“Aaron? Hey, wake up. It’s me.” Robert whispers softly, not wanting to scare Aaron. As he reaches out for his husband he can see how his hand is shaking. He feels like he can’t do this anymore, can’t calm down Aaron when he’s like this, not after all this time.

He’s not sure whether to touch the younger man but he’s not getting anywhere with just his voice.

He gently lays his hand on Aaron’s arm and one hand very lightly on his head.

“Aaron, you’re having a nightmare. Wake up. You’re okay.”

He keeps on whispering his husband’s name softly until Aaron’s eyes are opening.

He looks confused and Robert sits back a bit because he doesn’t want to overwhelm him but Aaron reaches out to grab his arm.

“Rob?”

“Hi. Yeah, it’s me.” He says hesitantly. He doesn’t get why he feels so inadequate, he used to know what Aaron needed.

“You were having a nightmare.” He states helplessly as if Aaron wasn’t aware.

Aaron nods and sits up, head resting against the wall.

“Do you need some water?” Robert’s asking, already half way out of bed to get to the bathroom.

Aaron licks his lips before shaking out a no.

“Rob, come back here. What’s up with ya. Did I do something? Did I say something?” Aaron looks almost scared and Robert’s heart breaks.

“No, no. Don’t be daft, you didn’t do anything. It’s just hard seeing ya like that- and I couldn’t wake ya.”

“I’m awake now aren’t I?” He’s smiling weakly and Robert tries to return it.

“Wasn’t sure what to do.” Robert blurts out and Aaron frowns. Robert gets it because before, his husband only ever had good things to say about him when he’d helped Aaron through a panic attack or woken him up from a nightmare.

“Course ya do.” Aaron says and Robert sighs.

“Are you sure you don’t want some water?”

“I’m fine, really.” Robert’s about to ignore him when he can feel how Aaron tightens his grip around his wrist.

“What was it about?” Robert asks after he’s let Aaron stare at him for a few seconds. He’s expecting the usual answer, looks up when it’s not.

“You.”

“What?” Robert stammers.

“Well multiple things, but I was losing you all over again and he… Gordon’s voice was there, telling me that I deserved it.”

“I’m so sorry.” Robert says and Aaron frowns. “It was a dream, it’s not your fault.”

“Of course it is.” Robert can’t help but snap. “You did lose me, it’s where it comes from.”

“I’ve always been scared to lose ya.” Aaron says honestly and Robert feels his heart shatter to pieces because he’s always known it but here’s his husband openly admitting it.

_And he did leave him didn’t he?_

In a way, Robert’s always felt the same even though over the years he’d managed to hide it well. In the end it was Robert’s own fault that one of his biggest fears had come true. He’s not sure if he will ever get over that.

He suddenly feels the urge to leave all over again, just because deep down he knows it would be for the best. He ignores memories of Aaron screaming and shouting at him over the past few weeks, telling him that his life is nothing without Robert. How can that ever be true? When Robert did what he did? _He left him._

Just when they were finally in the best place they had ever been, Robert managed to fuck it all up. Aaron finally believed that Robert wasn’t going to get bored of him, that he wasn’t going to want other people. He wasn’t worried about that anymore and then, in the end, Robert was still taken from Aaron. It’d been prison that separated them. As if that place hadn’t taken enough from them already.

His sister gets to live without the fear of Lee harassing her ever again and Robert doesn’t regret that. He does regret what going to prison meant for both his and Aaron’s life.

Will misery always follow them around? How long will they get to have this time? Is it even worth it? Robert gulps around the painful lump in his throat, decides that in the end every extra day he gets to have with Aaron is worth it.

The thought shocks him so much that he feels a tear roll down his face. It’s because it reminds him of Aaron telling him that all he ever wanted was him, not his money or whatever else Robert wanted him to have before he went inside, just Robert.

“I’m so sorry Aaron, I’m so sorry.” He’s properly crying now and Aaron looks alarmed.

“Rob, hey. Shh. What’s wrong?” He reaches out and brings him towards his chest. Robert’s nose is pressed in Aaron’s neck and the familiar smell of him makes him cry even harder.

“I don’t even know I just-“ He hiccups and Aaron makes more shushing noises as he rubs his back.

“A glass of water would have been handy now.” He hears him mumble and he can’t help but snort a little at that. He feels Aaron’s smile against his head.

“I left you.” Robert whispers once he’s found his voice again. “I left you on your own and seeing you have that nightmare just reminded me of everything you had to go through without me here when all I ever wanted was to be there for you, and I still managed to fuck it up, by choice.”

“It wasn’t by choice Rob.” And Robert wonders how Aaron still finds the patience to deal with him, knows they’ve had similar conversations many times now.

“You thought you were doing the right thing, for me. You didn’t give yourself a second thought when it came to it. You were on your own too, completely on your own. Please, don’t hate yourself for this.” 

Aaron’s said this many times before too and Robert nods. It’s one of the biggest things he’s working on with his therapist, the not hating himself, trying to forgive himself.

“You okay though?” Robert whispers and Aaron detaches himself a bit so Robert can read the confused expression on his face.

“Your nightmare.” Robert clarifies and Aaron’s features soften. “I’m fine. I haven’t lost you, it was just a nightmare.” Robert watches him and sees how Aaron’s hands are slightly shaking. He grabs one of them and presses it against his cheek. “Love you.” He mumbles, feels bad about how quickly the conversation had shifted to him when Aaron was the one that had just woken up from a nightmare.

“Love you too.” Aaron whispers back and Robert glances at the clock. It’s 10 past 4. “You think you can sleep?” He asks his husband and Aaron just shrugs in response.

“You don’t think _you_ can?” Aaron asks gently after a few beats of silence, a concerned look on his face again.

Robert bites his lip before nodding his head slightly. He knows he could sleep but he’s just worried about Aaron.

“Robert, I’m fine honestly. I’ve had nightmares before you know?”

Robert nods before adverting his eyes and Aaron sighs. “Didn’t mean anything by it, I just- it’s nothing new is it? But it’s not your fault and I don’t want you missing out on much needed sleep because you’re watching over me. So here’s what we’re going to do.” Before Robert can say anything, Aaron is already laying back down and reaching for him so that Robert ends up with his head on his chest, one of his favourite places in the world. Aaron wraps his arms around him and Robert hides his face in his husband’s neck.

“How’s this? Think you can sleep?” Aaron whispers and Robert tries to nod out a yes best as he can in his position.

“Good, try not to worry too much yeah? Wake me up when you need to.”

“You too.” Robert mumbles and Aaron squeezes him tighter.

Lately, Robert’s been wondering how he’s ever been able to sleep in a different position. He feels safe like this, the way Aaron’s holding all of him serves as a reminder that his husband is here with him, that he’s close by. And Aaron knows that, of course he does.

—

Robert can already tell it’s going to be another bad day before he’s even opened his eyes. He’s not surprised, everything’s just been building up these past few days and now he’s at breaking point. He tries to distract himself by thinking about the fact that he and Aaron will be in France soon but it doesn’t help, what if it will change things? Robert doesn’t even know what he’s scared of, just knows that he is, this endless worry and anxiety not wanting to leave him alone recently. His therapist pointed out that he seems to be having a hard time accepting that he has a long road ahead of him and Robert knows she’s right. 

The homophobic encounter when they went out in Leeds, PC Pierce and Aaron’s nightmare- all those things reminded Robert of the fact he isn’t okay. He is nowhere near over the fact that he’d been inside for months. It’s Wednesday today, meaning that yester he spent another few hours talking through all sorts with his therapist. Robert thinks it’s helping, finds that it has changed the way he thinks about stuff somewhat but he’s not there yet, far from it. Currently, they are dealing with forgiveness and his guilt and self-hatred which really is an ongoing battle. Yesterday Sian carefully approached a new topic, Robert’s fear of abandonment. He hated admitting that yes, he could definitely see how that fear fitted him and everything he’s felt over the years. It inevitably led to another conversation about his dad and his years growing up on the farm.

All in all it had been a tough day and he had completely shut himself off. He couldn’t bring himself to be around Aaron too much. His husband hadn’t even had the change to give him his usual Tuesday treat. After Aaron had driven them both home he had gone straight to bed. Aaron had read him well and left him alone most of the day, Robert finding comfort in hearing his husband pottering about in the kitchen.

Every now and then Aaron had brought him up some food that he only ate bits and pieces of, much to Aaron’s frustration.

_(“Robert, please eat something. You have to eat something. I love you.”)_

When Aaron finally joined him for the night his husband had brought him a warm cloth and carefully wiped away his dried up tears.

It’s all he really remembers.

He opens his eyes and takes in his surroundings.

“Rob?” His eyes move towards the sound, Aaron’s sitting up next to him, head resting against the wall. It looks like he’s been awake for a while, probably staring at Robert and worrying himself daft about him.

“Hiya.” Robert croaks out, it feels like he hasn’t used it in ages.

“How are you feeling?”

“Not sure.” Robert replies honestly and Aaron nods at him in understanding.

He winces as he goes to sit up. He can see Aaron’s worried expression from the corner of his eye. The younger man opens his mouth before shutting it again.

“Yesterday was bad wasn’t it?” Robert decides to approach the subject for him.

Aaron just nods as he turns his head, watches Robert’s face.

“I’m sorry I shut you out. I just couldn’t-“ He can’t even explain what came over him, the way all energy seemed to be drained out of him.

“You have nothing to apologise for.” Aaron says, eyes still looking sad. “Did Sian take it too far?”

Robert shrugs before replying, “not really, it was needed but that’s what makes it hard I think.”

Aaron nods again and Robert once again appreciates the way his husband never pushes him.

“You can always talk to me.” He reminds him softly and Robert nods, feels the sudden urge to hold his husband’s hand so he does.

—

Robert opens the door, sees the way his husband tries to not look too worried, tries not to look like all he’s been doing is waiting for Robert to come home.

“Hiya.” Robert says gently as he makes his way over to sit next to his husband on the couch. He mirrors him, tucks his legs underneath him, knees nearly touching Aaron’s.

“You alright?” Aaron asks immediately.

“Yeah.”

“You’ve been hours.”

“Have I?”

“Well, maybe just an hour and a half but still..”

Robert had gone out for a walk, wanted to see if it would help him clear his head. It helped, sort of. He had stood looking over the fields for a long time, thinking about everything. He’d walked past the farmhouse he grew up in. It’s helped him process what he’s been talking about with Sian.

He sighs, remembering something else they had talked about. He looks at his husband’s worried expression and suddenly it feels like all his resolve has gone out of the window once again.

“Rob?” Aaron whispers, clearly sensing that something’s up.

“Aaron, don’t leave me please.” Robert says it before he can stop himself, can’t believe he does- not with everything he’s put Aaron through.

“What?” Aaron stammers, clearly alarmed at Robert’s sudden shift in mood.

Robert thinks about telling Sian about the amount of times in a day that he goes from feeling okay to feeling sad, overwhelmed or scared.

“Sorry, sorry.”

“Robert, talk to me, please.”

“Yesterday, Sian and I talked about my abandonment issues. I have those apparently.” He lets out a self-deprecating laugh.

“I’m not leaving you Robert, not ever.” Aaron says and Robert can’t help but notice the way Aaron doesn’t seem surprised at the fact that he’s talked about this in his sessions.

“Not even when I’m like this?”

“Like what?”

Robert shrugs helplessly. “Well, like this. All panicked one minute and fine the next. Sian mentioned anti-depressants again yesterday, for my anxiety and maybe for other stuff too. She recommended making another appointment with my GP.”

Aaron’s staring at him, eyes glassy. “Robert, I’m so proud of you for getting help, so proud of how far you’ve come already. You haven’t been back long Rob, and you’d never experienced prison before. You’re doing so well, trust me. I’m going to be here every day, helping ya. You are still the man I love so much.” His voice breaks and Robert gulps. “Rob, please. I know you find it hard to believe but I promise ya, I’m not going anywhere.”

“Even though I’m a murderer.” It’s another thought that’s been plaguing him lately. No matter what a scumbag Lee was, he killed him. He hit him and he died. Katie, Katie was different, he never meant to hurt her but Lee, he knew what he was doing. “I’m a monster.”

“No, shut up. Don’t say that. Robert you’re not a monster.” Aaron hands grab his and Robert lets him, adverting his eyes so he doesn’t have to see that sad look on his husband’s face.

“Do you know what I see when I look at you?”

Robert doesn’t look up, just keeps holding on to Aaron’s hands.

“I just see you Robert, my Robert. The man I’ve loved for so long now and who I will love forever.”

It makes Robert gasp and when he looks up he sees how Aaron’s all red, it makes Robert’s heart burst despite the sadness that’s still lingering. He just shakes his head, not sure what to say.

“I love you yeah? Nothing you can do will ever change that. And you’re not a monster, never even think like that. You are an amazing husband, dad _and brother._ Vic’s happy, she’s happy and you are here with me and everything’s going to be okay, alright? Whatever’s happened, it doesn’t matter. You’re a good person Robert.”

Robert sniffs, nods his head. He knows Aaron’s thinking about what he said on the phone that time, that the things he’s done over the years keep him awake at night.

“And you can talk to me about anything Robert, please don’t bottle it all up. I love you, all of you. Nothing will ever make me want to leave you. Okay?”

Aaron detangles their hands but only to hold at Robert’s face. “Look at me please.”

Robert lets their eyes meet. “Okay.”

—

It’s a day of packing and Robert is lying on their bed, messing with his phone. He hasn’t used his notes app in a while but now it comes in handy. It makes him check and open all sorts of other apps on his phone, frowning at many of them as he can’t remember ever using them, can’t imagine _anyone_ using some of them. He wonders if prison changed him in that respect. He feels like he doesn’t need much anymore to be happy, just the people he loves.

He’s avoiding everything he can’t bring himself to look at just yet, his photo albums, old text messages between him and Aaron, when he remembers something.

He checks his voicemails and sees what he had been expecting. There are about 12 voicemails there from Aaron, Robert wonders when he stopped them, what _made_ Aaron stop. He remembers doing the same when Aaron had been inside, but then Robert knew he was going to see him again, Aaron was never sure of this. Robert’s not ready to listen to them, has no idea what he will hear anyway- love, sadness, maybe even hatred? He’s not sure if he will ever be ready.

“Rob? Oh there you are. Are you okay? Aren’t you feeling well?” Aaron rambles as he sees Robert lying on their bed as he walks past their bedroom.

“I’m fine I just-“ Robert stops himself and Aaron comes closer, looking worried. He walks over to Robert’s side of the bed and goes to sit by his feet.

“Your voicemails. I hadn’t checked them since I’ve been back. I haven’t listened to them.” Robert says as he sees about five different expressions flash across Aaron’s face. 

“Oh.” Aaron says, adverting his eyes. Robert watches how his husband starts playing with his hands.

“Are they bad?” He asks, not sure what to say.

“What? No- well I don’t know. Some might be. I can’t really remember, at some point I stopped- felt silly and I was scared Liv or somebody would hear me and think I’d fully lost it.”

“I get it you know, I did it too remember.”

Aaron’s expression softens. “Yeah I remember.”

“You can listen to them if you want, I mean of course you can- I sent them to you didn’t I.” Aaron says, looking awkward again.

“I might do someday, not yet if that’s okay.”

“Course it is.” Aaron says, eyes full of patience and love.

“I have something too.” Robert surprises himself by saying it. He can’t even believe he managed to hide them for so long, then again Aaron never was the snooping type. He gets up from the bed, walks over to their wardrobe. He drops down to his knees and takes out the bag that Aaron thought was empty, the bag he had unpacked weeks ago. His fingers scramble for the zip of one of the smaller pockets.

He takes out the bunch of letters and turns around, sees realisation dawning on Aaron.

“I never sent them, obviously. But they helped. You already knew I did some drawings in my notebook but sometimes I just wanted to write. I’d use my money to get paper and stuff. When I was released I wasn’t sure whether to take them with me but I thought maybe one day…” Robert gulps. He’s so lucky that Aaron took him back and made him feel safe practically the minute he returned.

“You can read them, they are for you.”

“Rob. I-“ Aaron has tears in his eyes and Robert smiles weakly as he moves from his crouching position and goes to sit next to Aaron. He hovers the bunch of letters in front of him and Aaron carefully takes them. “You don’t have to but yeah, they are yours.”

“Thank you. Do you mind if I wait a while too, I don’t think I can read those now Rob, not yet.”

“Course I don’t mind. But you have them now, whenever you need them.” Robert’s thinking about that wobble Aaron told him about, when he doubted Robert’s love for him. Giving Aaron those letters, it makes Robert feel vulnerable but he never wants his husband to doubt his love ever again so they are his for whenever he needs them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> only one more chapter left (which will be short and sweet and mostly very happy!)❤
> 
> i'm not making any promises for the near future but i would like to explore the voicemails and letters one day (maybe when it's a little less painful to write)


	13. XIII

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> robert and aaron enjoy their time together in france.

Aaron blinks himself awake, eyes automatically shifting towards his husband the way they do every morning. Robert’s still sleeping and Aaron happily notes how he looks calm, well-rested. He knows that going away was the right thing to do. They have been in France for three days now and Aaron never wants this week to end.

They’ve been keeping themselves to themselves, the little village they are staying in allowing them to do exactly that. They have been eating croissants, drinking coffee or wine, resting, listening to music, reading (Robert making his way through a load of books while Aaron pages through the magazines he’s brought) - basically just spending every second of every day together and Aaron wouldn’t want it any other way.

Aaron quietly opens the small cupboard of his nightstand, content to see that what he’s put in there is still there, ready for when the time’s right.

“Morning.” Aaron smiles as he hears the voice he loves so much, the voice he loves most really.

“Hiya, you slept well?” Aaron brings a hand up to Robert’s hair, relishing in the way his husband looks content and all sleep soft. Prison hasn’t hardened Robert the way Aaron was worried it would.

“Yeah, you?”

“Me too.” It’s not a lie either, being here is doing them both the world of good.

“Wish we could stay here forever.” Robert says before yawning. He grabs at Aaron’s hand, intertwines their fingers together.

“God, same. But it’s not over yet, we still have quite a few days of just this.”

Robert grins and Aaron can feel how he lights up even more at the sight of it, he’s a total sap but who can blame him. His husband hasn’t looked this content and healthy since being released. Aaron wants Robert to feel this good all the time.

“To do what eh?” Robert says and Aaron lets out a laugh, knowing exactly where his husband is going with this. He shifts even closer towards Robert and starts kissing him, relishing in the content sounds coming from the older man.

“Breakfast?” Aaron grins as he lays his hand on Robert’s stomach, the same stomach that just let out a rumble.

“Not yet.” Robert complains and Aaron smiles at him softly, resting his head against his husband’s shoulder again.

He lifts his head up again when he feels Robert shift and is just in time to see his husband wince.

“You’re alright?”

“Fine, I’m fine.” Robert says, smiling again and Aaron frowns. He can’t help but worry about Robert’s injuries whenever they sleep together, he doesn’t want to hurt him. He remembers how after he’d first seen the bruises he was even scared of sleeping next to his husband, not wanting to accidently hurt him while asleep. Most of the bruising has faded now, Aaron can still see some remnants of it but that’s because he knows where to look. Knowing that his husband had been hurt in prison, how Aaron’s worst fear had come true is something he still can’t quite deal with, can’t quite forget.

Aaron goes to sit up but not before pressing a quick kiss to his husband’s head. “As long as you’re sure.” He’s seen Robert wince like that before, as if he feels this quick twinge of pain. He’d even seen it before Robert went to prison, when his husband would rub at his scar on his chest. Aaron shakes his head before getting too lost in his own thoughts.

“I’m sure, now how about breakfast.” Robert says and it brings Aaron back to the present.

“Croissants do you?” Aaron laughs, already deciding that he will be the one to pop out and get them.

“Good choice.” Robert smiles back and moves to get out of bed before Aaron lays a hand against his chest.

“I’ll get them.”

“But we always get them together.” Robert pouts and Aaron laughs. “I mean I’m not stopping you but I just thought you can stay here and relax.”

“We don’t do anything other than relax.”

“Haven’t heard you complain about it before.”

“I’m not, I’m really not, but fine. I won’t stand in the way of your plans of getting me breakfast in bed.”

Aaron just rolls his eyes at his husband’s smirk.

—

“Aaron are you ready in there? Because the pasta is.” Aaron hears Robert shout outside their bedroom door and he rolls his eyes.

“One sec!” He shouts back before taking a shaky breath. He doesn’t get why he’s so nervous, it’s ridiculous really.

He flicks at some invisible pieces of fluff on his shirt and looks in the mirror one last time before grabbing the small box that’s been living in his bedside cupboard for the last few days.

They’ve planned another date night considering their last one went pretty well. This time there’s no risk of anyone ruining it either because they are not leaving their own little cottage. Robert’s decided to cook them pasta from scratch and Aaron’s made the outside area all nice with little lights they found in the cottage shed, his decorative skills very much a surprise to his husband.

_“Didn’t know this was your kind of thing to be honest.” Robert’s laughing and Aaron rolls his eyes._

_“Come on, tell me this doesn’t look nice.”_

_“I won’t, because it does- look nice. It’s lovely.” And Robert’s glowing expression is worth the slight embarrassment Aaron feels._

They decided to make a bit of an effort with their outfits as well just to make it even more special.

As Aaron wants to open their bedroom door he finds that the box won’t fit into the inside pocket of his jacket without it looking ridiculous. He sighs as he puts the box into a draw closest to the door before finally coming out.

“There you are, you alright? You’ve been ages.”

“Exaggerating.” Aaron mumbles before grabbing Robert’s shirt and giving him a quick kiss. Robert looks a bit dazed afterwards and Aaron can practically feel his heart bursting out of his chest.

“You look amazing.” Robert says and Aaron feels himself blush before raking his eyes over his husband. “You too.” Robert’s wearing one of his white shirts that he hasn’t worn in a while and Aaron feels something settle in his chest as he sees how well it fits Robert, remembers how he hated the way some of Robert’s clothes where still too big on him when he first came home.

“Love you.” Aaron mumbles as he tries not to get too emotional.

“Love you too.” Robert says sincerely before gesturing to the kitchen counter. “It’s ready, you mind taking the wine outside?”

“Course.” Aaron says as he feels his nerves starting up again, the wine should help with that he thinks, there’s no way he’s spoiling Robert’s meal by feeling anxious.

—

They are both a bit wine drunk and Aaron’s watching the way Robert’s laughing. He touches his pocket before realising he hasn’t got the box with him.

“We got ice cream too, remember? When we went shopping the other day?” Robert says, resting a hand on Aaron’s knee. They have all their stuff carefully balanced on this small round table and Aaron quickly ducks his head to check that it’s not about to tip over.

“Yeah I remember.”

“You want some now?”

“Not yet I-“ But before Aaron can tell Robert why they have to wait, his husband interrupts him.

“You did like the food yeah?” Aaron’s told Robert he loved it after the first bite and many more times after that. He grins before his expression softens, even though Robert is a bit drunk too he knows his husband still feels insecure about many things, things he didn’t used to worry about before prison.

“Rob, it was amazing. You’re an amazing cook. I have no idea how you always get it this perfect- and from scratch as well.”

“Yeah, we know making pasta from scratch is not what you’re best at.” Robert says, laughing again.

“Exactly.” Aaron says, he quickly has to stop himself from casting his mind back to Robert telling him that he did some cooking in prison. Aaron’s glad that Robert didn’t have to lose that hobby completely but everything that reminds him of Robert being in prison hurts, he’s not sure if that will ever go away.

“Where did you go?” Robert whispers, a slight frown on his face and Aaron shakes his head. “Nowhere, I’m right here with you.” That has Robert smiling again and it makes Aaron blurt out, “I have to get something, wait here.”

“Okay?”

“Stay here.”

“Yeah yeah, what is it?” But Aaron doesn’t answer, just presses a kiss to Robert’s head before once again gesturing that his husband is to stay seated.

“Is it donuts?” Robert asks the second Aaron appears again.

“No.” Aaron laughs, hesitating for a beat before sitting down. “It’s- I’ll show you.”

He takes the black box out of his inside pocket and holds it rather awkwardly in one hand. He looks up at Robert and sees how he’s frowning at the box, trying to work out what it is.

“Now I know we haven’t completely sorted out how we’re doing it yet and I know we’re wearing our rings but…” He trails off, not actually sure what it is he wants to say. He’s still holding the box (he’d asked Vic for it, hoping that she had a jewellery box somewhere he could use and she did).

He takes a deep breath before finally taking the watch out, _Robert’s_ watch.

“Aaron.” Aaron can just about make out the sound of his name because his husband is making more of a choking sound.

“I- well I kept it and here it is, as a wedding present or summat.” He can’t look at Robert, he suddenly feels stupid. He hadn’t thought any of this through, they were having such a good evening and now he had probably ruined it.

“Aaron.” Robert says again and Aaron can’t deny him any longer.

Robert has tears in his eyes but he doesn’t look sad, more like he’s in awe. Robert reaches out for the watch and Aaron drops it in Robert’s waiting hand carefully, moving his husband’s fingers so that the watch is held safely within Robert’s fist.

“You took it especially.” Robert whispers and Aaron nods before shrugging. “Stupid I just-“

“Not stupid. You’re an idiot you know that?” Robert croaks out and Aaron just lets out a wet laugh.

“Thank you, for keeping it- for taking it. I hadn’t forgotten about it, just didn’t want to ask for it.. Wasn’t sure if you would have kept it.”

Aaron tuts at that. “Course I kept it. Later.. when I realised what you’d done I realised why you’d given it to me.” He gulps around the lump in his throat.

“Wanted you to have it. Not that I wouldn’t have wanted Seb to have it but I just hoped that having it would help ya, at least for a little while.”

“It did.” Aaron’s shaking his head slightly, can’t stop going over everything Robert had done for him, everything that Robert had prepared in silence to make sure his family would cope. He suddenly throws his arms around his husband, hugs him tightly. “You’re just.. you’re amazing.”

“Aaron-“

“No you really are.”

“And you’re drunk.”

“Still mean all of it though, never forget it.”

Robert presses a quick kiss onto Aaron’s shoulder before lifting his head again. “You’re amazing too.”

Aaron lets go and smiles at him. Robert smiles back, expression soft and calm. He opens up his hand and takes out the watch, admires it just like he did when Aaron had given it to him on their second wedding day.

“Still love it so much, can’t believe you got this done for me. I love you.”

Aaron feels too emotional to speak so he just squeezes at Robert’s knee.

“How about we get married now- like in our own way.” Robert says carefully.

“Perfect night for it.” Aaron smiles as he watches Robert struggle to get the watch on.

“Come here you idiot.” Aaron laughs, cradling Robert’s bony wrist and getting the watch back in its rightful place.

“I promise to never leave ya ever again. I’m- Aaron I love you and you’re my world. I can’t believe how lucky I am that you’re giving me another chance. I promise to always be there for you, look after you, love you like you deserve to be loved. And I’m so sorry, I will never stop being sorry..”

“Rob, it’s okay.” Aaron squeezes at Robert’s hand that is resting on his leg. They’ve moved their chairs further down the garden, they aren’t so comfortable anymore after sitting on them for hours but Aaron isn’t about to complain. It’s darker now, the stars are slowly coming out and he wants to live in this moment forever and ever.

“I promise to never let you go ever again, to cherish ya and to make sure you know how loved you are every single day. Robert, the way you love me- no one’s ever loved me like that before and I promise I will do the same for you. You’re everything.”

Aaron lifts up Robert’s hand and presses a kiss to it.

“Come here” Robert whispers as he holds at Aaron’s face. Aaron closes his eyes as he feels Robert’s soft lips pressing against his own.

“I love you, husband.” Robert says when he finally lets go, eyes soft and sparkling.

“I love you too, husband.”

“This is the best wedding I’ve ever been part of.” Robert whispers and Aaron scoffs, shaking his head fondly. They are both definitely getting drunker by the minute but Aaron feels the best he’s ever felt.

“I feel- I feel so happy, Aaron. I just- your patience and love over the past few weeks, it’s been everything. I was so scared of ruining this trip for ya.”

“Rob- what do you-“ Aaron interrupts, shaking his head- ready to tell Robert he’s wrong, that he could never ruin anything.

“I was scared of my mood swings affecting this trip but it’s been good. And today.. today has just been perfect.”

“It has, hasn’t it? But Robert- feeling down or sad- you can’t help that. It would never ruin anything. And after everything you’ve done for me since we’ve know each other.. of course I’d be patient, look after ya, love ya.”

Robert nods, gulps before saying, “And I feel safe with ya, always. You make me feel safe.”

Aaron blinks back tears, nods wordlessly before letting his head rest against Robert’s.

“There’s stuff we need to sort out though.” Robert says, voice more serious and a frown already emerging on his face. Aaron isn’t having any of it.

“Shh, Rob we will sort it all out- I said that didn’t I?”

After Robert had asked Aaron to marry him again they had both gone on the internet, trying to find out what their options were. It looked like there was still time for Robert to stop the proceedings if they were willing to both sort out and sign some papers. All of that still had to be settled but it was happening and Aaron didn’t care how long it would take.

“And we also said we were married whatever- today was just for the two of us, because you asked me to marry you again and I would never say no to that.”

“We’re married.” Robert says contently and Aaron just has to kiss him again.

They’re together again, _married_ and Aaron’s going to make sure they will never be separated ever again. He knows many more hurdles will present themselves in their life. Robert still has a long road ahead of him in counselling and in getting used to life post prison but Aaron’s going to there for him every step of the way. They’ll get there.

After the worst seven months the universe somehow decided to give them another chance at life together and Aaron will never take that for granted ever again.

_They are going to make it a good life._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so that's it for this fic! :(
> 
> it's become a bit of a monster considering it only has 13 chapters but i want to thank everyone who's stuck with it during these past few months! i'd hoped to get it all done much earlier but oh well at least the last chapter is up before the 1st of november eh :)
> 
> so much more can be explored in this universe and i do have plans to revisit it in the future but for now i like the idea that it has a proper ending, i hope you all do too!
> 
> so that is all for now, thank you all so much for reading and commenting, i've really appreciated all the support!! <3
> 
> 🌼you can find me on tumblr @sugdenssrobert🌼

**Author's Note:**

> i obviously took some legal liberties here lmao but robert is free! thank you so much for reading, i hope some of you will enjoy this fic <3
> 
> title taken from hugging you by tom rosenthal.
> 
> p.s. i don't watch emmerdale anymore but i am aware of most things that have happened after robert left. this fic will mostly keep in line with that but i've changed certain things for the purpose of this fic but i'm pretty sure that will become clear as the fic goes along!


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